L-335
by seeimsmiling360
Summary: AU. Set in contemporary day. Pam and Tara are both human. Tara is a student at university in South Carolina, and Pam is her professor. The two of them immediately recognize something in the other, though they aren't sure what it is...
1. Chapter 1

**_***A/N_**_ Hey guys. Will be posting another chapter of Obsessed either today or tomorrow, but wanted to put this up as well. _

_Notes:_

_This is AU. Something I've never done before, but I'm excited about it._

_Note: There are no vampires in this fic… Yep, both Tara and Pam are human in this. _

_Some might interpret the two of them as OOC in this fic, but I see it as focusing on certain aspects of their personalities more. Tara in particular I imagine as a very quiet tomboy. I also envision her looking how Rutina did in "How She Move." I can't post images on here, but I would type in the title and go to google images because it will really help to see what I'm referring to.  
_

_ I hope you enjoy the first chapter. I used a description from a course booklet from my alma mater in here, just wanted to state that so I gave them credit.  
_

_I don't want to give too much exposition here; things will be clarified with each chapter. Please let me know your thoughts. I hope I'm not crazy…***_

* * *

"Hi everyone. Welcome to L-335, Victorian Literature. I am Professor Beaufort, but please feel free to call me Pam."

She was dressed in Diane Von Furstenberg. She had on a cream colored Menaro top, a scarlet Jill belt, and a black Maryland skirt that just reached her knees. Her hair was down: sleek, golden, and falling to her mid-back, curled under at the ends. Her expression was a paradox. She seemed warm and genial, yet at the same time also appeared stern and closed off. She gave off a vibe that warned never to cross her, yet at the same time her eyes expressed the idea that she could start crying at a moment's notice, that there was a deep sensitivity and delicateness just under the surface.

Before she had started speaking, she had gazed around the room, tentatively taking in her future students. She had learned to not make assumptions on the first day of class. Looks were deceiving. And she also knew that after she explained the structure and content of the class, several would drop the course as soon as she dismissed them.

The room wasn't large; this was an advanced level course, and was notoriously unpopular due to the reading load that came with the class. The students were scattered haphazardly around the lecture hall. Pam noted a group of basketball players sitting together, in the first row surprisingly. They were in baggy jeans and sweatpants, and one of them in particular seemed unnaturally attentive. What she didn't realize though, is that every time she turned around, he would scan the entire length of her body, eyeing her toned calves and then glancing up with a smirk to admire the way her skirt hugged her hips and behind.

One girl with stick straight blonde hair sat in the second row with erect posture and a notebook and pencil gripped tightly in her hand. Pam recognized her from one of the other courses she taught. She was a diligent student, but her points were almost always laughably ridiculous. It was clear she had grown up in a sheltered, isolated environment where she had been assured that every opinion she had was brilliant and golden.

The rest all seemed to blend together. It was the same sort of lazy, entitled students that seemed to continually grace her classroom and the university in general.

There was one girl who stood out though. She had been one of the earliest to arrive, and she sat in a corner near the back. She hadn't once interacted with any of the other students; she had been intently reading a book that she never looked up from once until Pam began to speak. She had rich, dark skin and long braided hair that was swept back into a low ponytail.

Pam's classes were never very diverse, nor was the school itself, so even having one student of color was a noted rarity. The girl had a blue and white baseball cap on, slightly askew and pulled down to the middle of her brow. She wore blue jeans and a loose white cotton t-shirt. She leaned back in her seat, her legs in a wide stance. She looked off to the side, but Pam could tell that she was listening.

"So before I go over the syllabus, I will tell you all a little bit about myself. I've been teaching for over 15 years, including 5 here at Baitz University. I also teach L-380, Literary Modernism and W-401, Advanced Fiction Writing, and I recognize a few of you from them. Good to see you again."

XXX

Tara sat in the back, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. That was the strategy she adopted when it came to this school. The people were all irritating, or they were ignorant, and often they were both. Tara was way too good for this place, but she was much too modest to flaunt that. She kept to herself, which some interpreted as arrogance. She stayed quiet in class, which some interpreted as stupidity. Some classes she didn't even bother attending because she wasn't learning anything; she did just as well turning in her papers and exams through reading the material on her own. She had little hope for this class, dubious that she would get something meaningful out of it. But she tried to sit there without judgment or too much resistance.

She finally looked up at the teacher. She listened to her speak, and as she did she realized there was something different about her. She seemed to actually… care about her job. Perhaps that was it.

She was also really beautiful.

Tara realized that once she started looking at her, she couldn't look away. The woman was intriguing, but she couldn't put her finger on why exactly this was so.

When their eyes finally met, Tara was surprised at how long the woman held her gaze. They looked at one another with a curiosity and surprising openness. Tara blinked and eventually looked away.

Pam cleared her throat and continued speaking, informing the class of when her office hours were. The acoustics of the room left much to be desired. The air was dry and her voice sounded dull and muted as it left her lips and sunk immediately into the walls.

"There will be four papers assigned over the course of the semester that comprise 50% of your grade. There are no exams, but there will be short quizzes over each of the novels. If you've read the book, you have nothing to worry about. 40% of your grade comes from participation. This is a discussion-based class, so it is crucial that you contribute to the class dialogue. I don't take attendance but I do note how often each of you speak. I don't like to call on you and force you to speak, so please make sure you're familiar with the material and bring questions and comments to each class."

Tara heard this and knew she wouldn't be able to do what she so often did: skip the entire semester yet ace the course anyway. Little did she know, though, that even without this policy, she had already decided a few minutes ago that she would be attending every class anyway.

The professor began to go over the syllabus, and Tara watched the way she presented herself. She looked at how she gestured with her hands, and how her voice increased slightly in volume when she spoke about things she was particularly passionate about.

"Accused of denying his characters any semblance of 'psychology,' Charles Dickens is often considered a writer whose sympathies lay with the stage. Antic and theatrical in nature, his characters, it is said, have had their insides turned out: in names externalizing moral character, in outrageous behaviors and actions, speech tics, maladies, and other physical manifestations of an inner life on outward display.

Yet it is also said of the nineteenth-century novel that it moves us further and further 'inward,' away from theatre's visible spectacles and into the mind, individual feeling and perception, and the inner lives of people who spend their time thinking—and, often, not much else. In this class, we will explore how literary characters think, looking at portrayals of mind in nineteenth-century, mostly Victorian, British writing. We will be interested in the way this material portrays, or invokes, theories of mind, cognition, mental perception, and the imagination, including the mental effort required for imaginative sympathy. Course requirements include, of course, a serious commitment to reading many pages of writing. Are there any questions?"

One of the athletes in the first row raised his hand. "What will the format of the quizzes be?" he asked.

"The quizzes will contain both multiple choice and short answer," Pam replied.

She turned around for a moment to check something on her desk, and one of the guys jabbed the other with his elbow and whispered something in his ear. They cracked up, and Tara glared at them from a distance.

"I know that today is a stressful day, that you are all busy solidifying your schedules, so I'm going to let you go early. If you are on the wait-list, please come speak to me and we'll try and work something out. I'll hopefully see you all again on Wednesday. Have a wonderful day."

Students began to stand up and exit in a bustle. Tara reached into her bag for her bookmark that she seemed to have misplaced. One of her quirks was that she never dog-eared pages, even if she owned the books herself, so she searched vigilantly for it inside her bag. She finally found it and slipped it inside her book, and as she stood up she realized that all the other students were gone. She gathered her things and walked down the line of chairs towards the door. As she was leaving, she saw that the teacher was looking at her.

"What's that you're reading?" the woman asked.

Tara stopped and turned to face her completely.

"I saw you reading it before class began," Pam continued, gazing at her with welcoming eyes.

Tara paused for a moment. "_Native Son,"_ she murmured. She was already soft spoken, but for some reason she felt exponentially shyer as she stood there before her.

"Richard Wright," Pam answered with a small smile.

Tara nodded, and the two locked eyes again.

"I've read it before…" Tara stated, breaking their eye contact and staring at the floor, unsure of why she felt the need to state that.

"I think it's one of the most important pieces of literature of the 20th century," Pam responded.

Tara looked back at Pam. She felt guilty for assuming she wouldn't know the work, or at least have a full appreciation for it. It's not like it was unknown; she had just developed such preconceived notions of the professors here, and of the people in South Carolina in general.

"I'm sorry, I didn't even ask your name," Pam added.

"Um… Tara," she replied quietly.

Pam smiled timidly. "Hi Tara. It's nice to meet you."

Their eyes met again, and this time Tara's lingered a little too long. She accidentally let them travel down the woman's body and she swallowed.

"Well I hope to see you again, Tara," Pam affirmed. "In class," she clarified unnecessarily.

"Yeah," Tara breathed. "Nice meeting you."

Pam watched as she turned to leave. Maybe there was something to look forward to this semester after all.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N**__ I know it's sometimes a pain for you to leave comments, but they honestly mean so much to me. Please leave them if you can, and I also promise that the chapters to come will be much lengthier. xoxo_

* * *

It was the third week of the semester and things were quite settled now. Pam's class had been reading and discussing _Jane Eyre_. It was one of her favorite novels and she was happy to include it in the curriculum. Having this particular class read the book though, or least _claim_ to have read it, was not quite as enjoyable.

Pam was leaning against her desk with her arms crossed. She was in a Giambattista Valli red wool-crepe pencil skirt, a long-sleeved red and grey patterned blouse, and peep toe pumps that were the color of mustard.**  
**

"Why do you think Jane rejects Rochester's proposal?" she asked the class.

"Because he's got a psycho locked in his attic," one of the guys called out, and his friends beside him sniggered.

Pam bit the inside of her lip and tried to not let any frustration register on her face. This guy in particular was straight up obnoxious and she had already grown very tired of him.

"Is that all?" she countered.

The girl with the straight blonde hair shot her arm up.

"Isn't it obvious? It's because he's already married," she stated matter-of-factly.

"But she loves him, yes? Why would she choose to be alone when he is giving her something no one else can? " Pam queried.

Crickets. Pam scanned the room. She realized no one else was going to answer. No one was even making eye contact with her. This was something that was happening frequently, and it seemed to be getting worse with each new class.

Pam looked at Tara, who was sitting in the back staring down at her desk. Pam sighed in disappointment.

"One of the themes of the novel is love versus autonomy, is it not?" Pam began. "Jane is searching not only for romantic love, but for a sense of value and belonging. She must learn how to gain love without sacrificing and harming herself in the process. While she is in love with Rochester, he remains legally tied to Bertha, and staying with him would mean rendering herself a mistress and sacrificing her own integrity for the sake of emotional gratification."

Pam gauged her student's reactions. Not one person was responsive. What the hell was the point of having a discussion if no one was actually discussing? If she was doing all the work and telling them everything? She didn't know what else to do to get them to participate. Over the past few weeks she had tried overt encouragement, she had tried tough love, and even outright reprimanding.

She looked at Tara again, who was quiet and kept her eyes focused down. She had been like this every class. Pam knew she was about to break one of her cardinal rules, but she couldn't help herself.

"Tara?" she called.

Tara's head snapped up and she met her eyes, caught off guard and suddenly apprehensive. They looked at each other for a moment, and Tara could see the subtle pleading in Pam's eyes.

"Do you have something to add?" Pam asked quietly. She gazed at her, silently begging.

Tara looked around at the students whom had now all turned to stare at her.

She was silent for a moment.

"No," she replied softly, and eventually looked back down towards her desk.

Pam couldn't hide her disappointment. She exhaled and pressed her lips together. She walked back around to her desk and picked up the book.

"Let's all turn to page 220 please. There is a recurring motif referenced in one of the passages I'd like to discuss."

Her voice was much louder now. Tara cautiously looked up at her again, but Pam deliberately avoided eye contact with her for the remainder of class. She seemed angry, which only heightened Tara's guilt.

XXX

Class was over an hour later. Tara swiftly packed up her things in order to leave with the crowd. She wanted to ensure she wasn't left alone with Pam.

But as she was nearing the exit…

"Tara," Pam called.

Tara clenched her jaw and reluctantly turned around to face her.

"Can I speak with you for a minute?" Pam asked calmly.

Tara swallowed. She stood still for a while as the remaining students exited the room, and she then made her way towards her.

Pam was sitting with her arms resting on her desk. Her nails were the color of dark wine and she scratched her forearm lightly with her pointer finger as she met Tara's eyes.

Tara stood there waiting awkwardly. She was not the type to initiate conversation.

Pam was no longer angry, but she gazed at her with a concern and a care. Tara felt extremely tense and uncomfortable, but she held her ground.

"How are you?" Pam inquired.

Tara shifted her stance a little, suddenly unsure of what to do with her arms.

"I'm fine," she answered softly.

"What do you think of the class so far?" Pam asked warily.

Tara didn't know what to say. She began to look around the room, up at the ceiling, down at the floor, anywhere other than at Pam.

Pam decided that it was time to stop the bullshitting.

"To be honest with you, Tara, I am disappointed. I expected more from you."

Tara wanted to mutter "You don't even know me," but she remained quiet.

"I _know_ you have things to say in class," Pam continued. "Things of value. I've already read your writing; I know what you're capable of. Why do you choose to stay silent?"

Tara wanted to say, "Because this class is full of idiots," but she didn't respond. She felt like a first grader being chastised and lectured by her guidance counselor.

"I think the others could learn something from you. I think you could motivate them to try a little harder. You could help spark deeper, more lively discussions," Pam explained.

Tara wanted to argue that this wasn't her responsibility. Why was Pam placing this on her shoulders? She wasn't the fucking teacher.

"Just promise me you'll think about it, all right?" Pam urged. "And think about your own grade as well. I wasn't lying when I stated that participation is almost half your grade. It doesn't matter how strong of a writer you are, Tara, you still have to contribute in class."

It took all of Tara's will to not retort with a "Are we done here?" She glared at Pam, waiting to be dismissed.

"I'm telling you this because I believe in you, Tara," she added. "I expect more from you because I know you are better than this."

Tara wanted to roll her eyes. Little irritated her more than cliché inspirational speeches from her teachers.

Pam glanced down at her watch. "I'm sorry, I have to go. I have another class to teach in ten minutes. But you know can always come stop by during my office hours, okay?"

Tara nodded stiffly. Pam stood up and gathered her papers. She filed them into a folder that she then clutched with one arm along with her copy of _Jane Eyre_. She moved around her desk to head for the door, but before she left she stopped in front of Tara.

She didn't like having to get on her soapbox like that. She hated those moments where she was clearly in the role of "teacher" and had to act all preachy when she spoke to her students. She wanted to let Tara know that she was only doing this out of care. She tentatively brought her hand to Tara's shoulder.

"I'll see you next class," she said gently.

The touch was slightly awkward, but when their eyes met Tara felt any and all agitation immediately flood out of her.

Pam suddenly felt self-conscious. She didn't know if it was okay to touch a student, even like that. She gave Tara's arm a light squeeze and pulled her arm away. She cleared her throat and forced herself to present a small smile.

"Take care," she murmured, and promptly left.

Tara watched her leave. She didn't move for a while. She stood there in confusion as she suddenly experienced a barrage of various, conflicting emotions. She eventually pulled herself together and walked away, heading back to her apartment. What she didn't realize, though, is that she would be replaying this interaction over and over again in her mind for the next several days.


	3. Chapter 3

The next class Tara sat a little closer to the front. She was still somewhat isolated, as no one was sitting next to her or around her, but she wasn't so apologetically hidden in the back now.

Pam entered the lecture hall looking utterly unenthusiastic. She was jaded and exhausted from this class and felt like she couldn't keep up with the sweet and zealous façade anymore. She didn't look visibly upset, but her expression was blank and she didn't speak. During the handful of spare minutes before class began, she sat at her desk avoiding eye contact with anyone as she quietly organized papers.

Tara watched her. She could have just been having a bad day, but Tara knew that it was this class that was weighing down on her. Tara had for a while contemplated being a teacher herself as a possible career, but she certainly wouldn't want to be leading a class like this. It wasn't that the students were aggressive or overtly disrespectful, but the apathy and lack of interest in the room was almost palpable.

Tara realized she did not like seeing Pam upset one bit. She didn't know why this bothered her so much, but it did. She felt like her own mood was plummeting just from watching her from afar. She saw Pam reluctantly stand up and move around her desk with a packet of papers in her hand. It was their graded quizzes, and she began to call out their names, prompting students to approach her one by one. Pam carelessly tossed the quizzes onto her desk behind her of those whom had skipped class.

When she got to Tara, though, her voice automatically softened. Tara stood up and walked over to her, and Pam relinquished her barriers for just a moment when their eyes met. Tara smiled softly at her, and Pam tried to reciprocate as she returned her quiz to her. It was an A+, of course. Tara walked away and saw a _Well done_ written on the top. She smiled again and took her seat.

Class then began and it went just the same as usual. A couple well-meaning but misguided students raised their hands and tried to contribute, and the rest did nothing. Tara observed and for some reason felt incredibly nervous. She wanted to speak, but every time she tried to she could feel her heart start to thump faster inside her chest. It wasn't until midway through the class that she forced herself to get over her fear and she slowly raised her hand.

Pam didn't see her at first. She had been discussing the religious themes in _Jane Eyre_ and was essentially talking to herself again. It wasn't until she turned halfway around that she saw Tara's extended arm.

Based on their last talk, Pam shouldn't have been so surprised to see this. But her eyes widened slightly and she paused for a moment.

"Tara," she said softly.

Tara glanced at her and took a deep breath before beginning. She reminded herself to speak loud enough to be heard.

"Before… you were discussing Jane's faith and how that's explored and challenged in the novel. I just wanted to add that I think Bronte presents this predominantly through the use of three main religious figures. To me, each represents a model of religion that Jane ultimately rejects as she forms her own ideas about faith and principle and their practical consequences."

Pam's eyes suddenly lit up. "That's great, Tara."

The rest of the class was taken aback from hearing Tara actually speak, and in such an articulate, intelligent way at that. One of the athletes rolled his eyes and muttered "Suck up," while the blonde in the front looked a little miffed at seeing such a positive reaction from Pam. _She_ never received that kind of impressed and appreciative reaction from the professor before.

"And who are these religious figures?" Pam queried. She leaned back against the desk, practically sitting over it now. She was already feeling little bubbles of glee and pride in her stomach as she waited for Tara to speak again.

"Well first, Mr. Brocklehurst," Tara began. "He illustrates the dangerous and the hypocrisies that Brontë perceived in the Evangelical movement in the 19th century. I mean he adopts the rhetoric of Evangelicalism when he claims to be purging his students of pride, but his method of subjecting them to various privations and humiliations, like when he orders that the naturally curly hair of one of Jane's classmates be cut so as to lie straight, is entirely un-Christian."

Tara's mother was devoutly pious, so Christianity was something Tara had great familiarity with, even though she loathed it herself. She continued to speak and Pam was completely focused on her. She couldn't stop nodding and gazing admiringly at her. The two of them began to have their own conversation, forgetting entirely about everyone else in the room. It was as if it was just the two of them there.

"And his proscriptions are difficult to follow," Pam stated. "His hypocritical support of his own luxuriously wealthy family at the expense of the Lowood students shows Brontë's wariness of the Evangelical movement. Helen Burns's meek and forbearing mode of Christianity, on the other hand…

"Is too passive for Jane to adopt as her own, but she loves and admires Helen for it," Tara asserted, finishing her thought.

They smiled at each other. They were exactly on the same page and it felt so good. Pam also felt a rustle of something else inside of her, but she didn't know what it was.

It wasn't until one of the other students loudly and deliberately cleared his throat that she snapped out of her reverie and continued on with class.

Tara didn't speak much more for the remainder of class; she wanted to give the others a chance to. And there _were_ others now. After the initial awkwardness of indirectly being schooled by the least likely person to do so (in their minds), some students began to raise their hands to try and contribute. Their points still didn't contain much merit, and others were irritated and continued to stay silent, but it was a start. And Pam was too happy to feel any concern or frustration now. Something had just happened between the two of them but she didn't know what it was. Perhaps it was one of those rewarding joys that came with being teacher, but because those instances had been so few and far between lately, she couldn't properly recognize it.

Class ended and Pam had to run off to her next class. But as she packed up and began to walk out of the room, she passed by Tara.

"Do you have a class at 4 today?" she asked.

Tara shook her head.

"I'll be in my office then if you want to stop by," Pam told her.

Tara smiled shyly. "Okay."

Pam smiled back and headed out of the room. Tara watched her go as she felt a surprising warmth and electricity spreading straight through to her fingertips.

XXX

Tara stood in a narrow hallway that contained all the offices of professors in the English department. She knocked gently on the door and Pam rose from her seat to get it. It was only closed now because this was not technically when she had office hours. But she didn't want to have to wait until tomorrow to speak to Tara again.

Pam pulled opened the door and smiled.

"Hi Tara. Come on in."

Pam moved to sit at her desk and gestured at a small couch for Tara to sit on. Pam sat in her own chair and crossed her legs as she looked warmly at her.

"I really enjoyed the discussion we had today in class," she began.

"Yeah," Tara said softly. "Me too."

"And you know I was right…" Pam added.

Tara looked at her with a puzzled expression.

"Didn't I tell you some of the others would speak up more once you did?" Pam reminded her with a smile.

Tara looked down at her lap as one side of her mouth curled up.

"That's not why I was happy to hear you speak though," Pam clarified, and Tara looked up to meet her eyes again.

"You really are brilliant," Pam stated softly as her eyebrows lifted in emphasis.

In that moment, Tara was so grateful that her skin obscured her blushing, because she could feel a flush of scarlet heat creep down into her cheeks. She tried to smile, but she wasn't very good at accepting compliments, especially such a grand and flattering one as that.

Pam chuckled. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to embarrass you."

"It's fine," Tara mumbled, trying to ignore the anxiety that began to plague her. Her mouth felt dry and she was afraid to look Pam in the eye again.

"What year are you?" Pam asked. "Senior?"

"I'm a junior," Tara answered.

Pam nodded. "Are you an English major?"

"Yeah," Tara replied softly. "And international law."

"That's an impressive combination," Pam affirmed.

"And a minor in business," she murmured.

Pam laughed. "My goodness."

Tara smiled reservedly. The flutters in her stomach would just not go away.

"What do you want to do after you graduate?"

Tara paused. "I don't know," she said.

Pam wasn't entirely convinced. She watched while Tara looked down at her lap and played with her hands.

"Well there must have been a reason why you chose those particular fields of study," she argued. "Why international law?"

"Um…" Tara began. She wasn't very good at talking about herself. But she eventually decided just to be honest. She told herself that this was just small talk anyway.

"I want to do something that helps people," she mumbled softly. "Especially those communities that um... lack the support and resources they need..."

She knew that in order to continue, she had to tread carefully, to really watch what she said next.

"I know because… I... grew up in a place where…" Tara couldn't elaborate on this part. "I just think that… when those main sources of power and influence are neglecting those communities, we have a responsibility... to do something."

It saddened Pam to hear Tara allude to experiencing a difficult upbringing. She wondered what could have happened to her, but she stopped herself before her mind travelled to the worst of places.

"That's really wonderful, Tara," Pam expressed. "That you want to give back like that."

Tara repressed a shrug. She didn't feel noble or heroic about it. It's just what she felt she needed to do.

"And what about your English major? Why did you choose that? I can't imagine it's just because you like to read so much," Pam smiled.

Shen waited patiently as it took Tara a few moments to eventually answer.

"I… like to write," Tara murmured.

"You're very good at it," Pam reassured her.

"I want to write," she added.

"Write what?" Pam inquired. "Plays? Prose? Poetry?" She then laughed internally at the irony of her accidental alliteration.

Tara was quiet again. Pam then had a hunch and followed on it. "You like writing everything, don't you?" she said, her eyes sparkling.

Tara for some reason felt embarrassed to be talking about this. Still, Pam was radiating a great deal of care and interest towards her, and it made Tara feel safe. She nodded slowly.

"I'd like to write something about where I grew up," Tara said faintly. "How I grew up," she explained.

Pam nodded in encouragement.

"I don't think anyone wants to read that though," Tara mumbled.

"Why do you say that?" Pam protested.

Tara wanted to tell her "Because nobody cares about people like me." But it would inevitably come out like self-pity, even though it was simply meant to be realistic.

"I don't know why I am bringing all this up," Tara suddenly said. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize," Pam argued as her brow furrowed. "Our own lives are our biggest inspirations as writers. And it's always true, no matter how adamantly some deny it. That's where I've drawn from the most in my own writing as well."

Tara blinked and was suddenly peaked with curiosity. She desperately wanted to read Pam's writing now. She wanted to know what in her life she chose to use, she wanted to know everything she had been through. She wished she could ask, but she knew this wouldn't be appropriate. Which was odd, because it was perfectly acceptable, it seemed, for her to share about her own life.

Tara wanted to know more. It didn't seem right to simply carry on like most students and teachers did, without any knowledge of who they are outside of the classroom. The classroom was such a specific and sheltered environment and only seeing Pam in there for a few hours each week was not enough. Tara wanted to know everything about her.

As this realization sank in, Tara began to worry. Why did she care? Why was she so intrigued by this one woman? Was it simply because she had been so supportive and kind to her? Tara wondered if it was because she was so starved for affection and positive reinforcement that she wanted to latch on so fervently to Pam.

She then had a fear that maybe Pam was only acting this way towards her because she felt sorry for her, because she pitied her.

_No._ Tara refused to believe that. But she still felt foolish for thinking that she and Pam connected in a special way. That she was her favorite student even, that she was someone Pam had taken a particular interest in.

Tara felt paranoid again. Why would this woman feel this way about her? She was probably just trying to be thoughtful and encouraging to Tara because she was a good teacher who cared. Tara didn't know why she expected anything else.

But then, something happened. Pam had to leave, and they both stood up to exit the office. Tara waited in the hallway a few steps behind Pam as she locked her door. When Pam turned around, she tripped on her heel and almost fell forward. Tara instinctively reached her arms out, placing them on both sides of Pam's hips to steady her. When Pam found her footing again, she looked at Tara, whose face was now just an inch away from hers. Their eyes locked and Tara could feel a breath of warm air expel against her own face. Tara's pulse quickened and Pam blinked rapidly as she swallowed. They pulled away from each other and Pam backed up a step.

"Are you okay?" Tara asked.

"I'm fine," Pam answered shakily. "Just slipped."

She slung her purse over her shoulder and tried to smile. "I had a nice time talking with you," she added, her demeanor reading as more distant now.

"Yeah," Tara breathed. "Me too."

Their eyes briefly met once more and Pam then turned to walk away, her heels clacking loudly against the tile floor as Tara watched her leave. Tara could feel her blood thumping in her ears.

_I touched her... _Tara thought.

And she liked it. A lot.

_**A/N**__ That moment at the end between the two of them actually happened to me in real life. It was awkward and amazing at the same time, haha. I must have good reflexes! I also haven't read Jane Eyre for a while so I'm using a lot of commentary that isn't mine. Anyway, would love to hear your comments for this chapter. xoxo_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N**__ Whoa, sorry for the delay! But this is a very lengthy chapter so hopefully the wait was worth it. :) You know your comments give me everything. xoxo_

* * *

That small, unspoken moment they had shared had measurably affected the both of them. For Tara, it had strengthened and solidified what she had been feeling since the very beginning. She wanted Pam. Undoubtedly.

She tried to be subtle in class. Yet her eyes always ended up becoming glued to Pam every time she wasn't looking her way. Tara watched the way she sat so regally at her desk. The way her golden locks cascaded down her back. The way her skirts always hugged her body absolutely perfectly. She was in awe of the way her mind worked, how she could connect seemingly disparate ideas, interpret characters in the most innovative and brilliant ways, and make Tara think in ways she didn't know was possible. She was the epitome of a woman. Tara was captivated.

Pam on the other hand was struggling. The weeks managed to drag on, but L-335 was a different experience for her now. She still called on Tara to contribute and answer questions now and then, but she barely let herself display any emotion. If Tara made a perceptive comment, Pam would compliment her, but her expression was always forcibly deadpanned and she avoided eye contact as much as possible without appearing suspicious.

Tara noticed Pam's new behavior though. It was subtle enough that the rest of her self-absorbed classmates didn't, but it caused mixed emotions for Tara. At times, remembering how flustered Pam had been with her eased her fears that she was crazy, because why would Pam be acting differently now if she hadn't felt something too? But the other part of her wondered if perhaps Pam was acting like this simply because she was embarrassed- that she felt nothing for Tara but was distancing herself because the line between student and teacher had been unacceptably blurred in that moment. Tara couldn't tell which one it was, and it was beginning to weigh down on her. She needed more information, more interaction. She missed talking to her one on one. She wanted to know what she was thinking, how she was doing, and most importantly, if there was any chance in hell she felt the same way. But Tara didn't feel right to stop by during her office hours. She had nothing to say that was related to the course material, first of all, and she didn't want to make Pam feel more uncomfortable.

One day though, she actually discovered a reason to speak with Pam. She vacillated for several days about whether to actually go through with it and approach her. The thought of being alone with her again made her as apprehensive as it thrilled her. But she actually did need her help, so she told herself everything would be fine. She reminded herself to simply state what she needed when she got there and nothing would be weird.

XXX

The door to Pam's office was open but Tara knocked a few times against the wall anyway. Pam looked up from her desk, and for the tiniest moment felt a flash of anxiety sweep through her. She swallowed it down and gave Tara a small smile.

"Oh, hi Tara," she said softly.

"Hi," Tara replied. She stood tentatively by the door.

"Come on in," Pam remarked, sitting up a little straighter in her chair.

Tara walked inside and sat on the couch. She placed her hands in her lap, which were already clammy with sweat.

"Can I help you with something?" Pam queried.

"Yeah, I think so," Tara replied quietly. Before she spoke again, she looked around at the mahogany shelves that stood sturdily against the walls of the office. They were stacked with classic novels, anthologies, and all sorts of world literature.

"I um… have a paper on Toni Morrison due soon, and it's on _The Bluest Eye_. I was just wondering if you happened to have a copy of the book? Every copy in the library has been checked out and the local book store doesn't have any more either."

"Weren't you supposed to have all the required books for the course at the start of the semester?" Pam inquired.

"Yeah, I do…" Tara responded. "It's just for this assignment, he gave us a list of her works to choose from. We just have to focus on one for the paper. I guess this one was popular…" Tara explained awkwardly.

Pam ruminated for a moment. "Okay," she answered. "I can bring my copy in on Monday for you."

Tara clenched her jaw. "I actually need it… as soon as possible," she murmured.

Pam's eyebrow arched. "And that would be?"

Tara swallowed. "Um... It's due in two days…" she mumbled under her breath.

Pam's eyes widened. "You've given yourself only the weekend to read that entire novel and write a paper on it?" she questioned.

Tara bit the inside of her lip. "I know… It's just, I'm taking 22 credits and-"

Pam's brow furrowed. "Tara, why are you taking so many?" she exclaimed. "That's not good for you. Especially considering the subjects you're studying and the work load that comes with them."

Well this was no fun. They were now clearly back in their respective roles of professor and student and Tara did not like it one bit. It was ruining her plan, whatever that had been in the first place. She didn't come here to be lectured again. And she couldn't even tell Pam that the real reason she had procrastinated so long was because she couldn't pack up the courage to ask her for the book until today.

Pam sighed. "So you need it today, yes?"

"If it's not too much trouble…" Tara mumbled.

"The thing is, Tara, I don't have the book here with me. And I'm already done with teaching for the day so I'm not going to be back on campus after this," Pam told her plainly.

"Oh… okay," Tara said in defeat.

Pam chewed on the inside of her lip as she saw Tara lower her head and gaze down at the floor.

"Do you have a car?" Pam asked.

Tara shook her head. She either went by bike or she walked everywhere.

Pam knew what had to happen next, and if Tara's plight wasn't so pressing, and if not for the pathetic puppy-like expression on her face, she wouldn't have done it. But she grabbed her things, stood up, and began walking towards the door.

"Well come on," she urged, a hint of exasperation lacing her voice. But this was only because she was overcompensating to hide the growing anxiety forming in the pit of her stomach.

Tara followed Pam all the way outside to the faculty parking garage. Pam took out her keys and pressed a button. A silver sedan beeped twice and the doors unlocked. Tara noticed that it was immaculately clean as she sat on the passenger's side.

She realized Pam was taking her to her house and she began to freak out. She knew nothing was going to happen, and she didn't even feel _ready_ for anything to happen, and then she cursed herself for even _thinking_ something would ever happen. But she was going to see where Pam lived. She was going to be inside her home. Alone with her.

Tara tried to stay calm. She couldn't even look at Pam as she drove. Instead, she stared outside the window, finding herself unable to break the awkward silence. Pam tried to initiate conversation, but couldn't bring herself to do it until they were halfway there. And even when she spoke, she kept her eyes on the road.

"So how are the rest of your courses going?" she asked.

"They're okay," Tara answered softly.

"What other English courses are you taking?" Pam queried.

"Well, the one I have the paper on…. It's um, 20th century African American literature," Tara replied.

"Do you like it?"

"I like the stuff we're reading…" Tara responded.

"What about the students?" Pam inquired.

"Um… I don't know," Tara murmured, trying to avoid answering that particular question. But she suddenly imagined what her cousin back home would say, who was much more blunt than she was. "_Full of ignorant crackas."_

Tara couldn't suppress a chortle. Pam turned to look at her.

"What is it?" Pam asked as her eyes lit up.

"Nothing," Tara replied, still smiling.

That simple moment was all it took to significantly lighten the mood. But just when Tara thought the need to mention her family had passed, she felt her phone in her jean pocket vibrate.

She took it out and looked at the screen. She paused for a moment.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" Pam asked.

Tara pressed her tongue hard against the inside of her cheek. She reluctantly flipped the phone open and brought it to her ear.

"Hi momma," she said quietly.

Pam couldn't hear the other end of the call, so she tried to decipher the conversation as best she could from Tara was saying.

"Yeah, I know. No… What? What happened? No. Why? … When? … No, that's- why are you… Why would you- Please don't. No, I'm not going to do that. _You_ pay for it then. If you so want to- what? Why did they even- Will you stop interrupting me!"

Tara had always been so quiet and reserved that Pam hearing the frustration and impatience in her voice as she spoke now took her by surprise.

"I don't want you to do that. No. What is your problem? No!" Tara swallowed and shook her head. "I have to go… I can't talk right now. I'm hanging up, momma. No, you're not. I'm going… BYE."

Tara snapped her phone shut and exhaled loudly. She leaned back into her seat and gritted her teeth.

Pam tentatively looked over at her. "Is everything okay?" she asked quietly.

Tara blew out a breath of air out of her mouth. "Yeah," she lied.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I'm fine," Tara murmured.

Pam wasn't convinced.

Tara took a deep breath and took a moment. "I'm okay, I promise," she asserted, and when the two of them finally met eyes, Pam believed her.

She pulled into her driveway and turned the ignition off. The house wasn't very wide but it seemed to be three stories high, almost resembling a townhouse. There was a trimmed, bright green lawn out front with a narrow concrete walkway over it that led to the deck. Pam got out of the car and Tara did the same.

Pam unlocked the front door and pushed it open. Her fingers searched for the lights against the wall and she flipped the switch. She walked into the living room while Tara gazed around in awe. The place was stunning. It practically resembled 19th century home decor; the sofa was upholstered with white leather and the tables were exquisitely carved and polished. The walls were a light peach hue and the carpet was elegantly patterned with dark pink and brown. Pam put her purse and briefcase down on the coffee table and moved to where several bookshelves stood against the wall.

If Tara thought Pam's collection of work in her office was impressive, this was ten times more extensive. Some shelves contained thick, dusty books that seemed to have journeyed from used bookstore to bookstore over the decades, and on other shelves rested thin, paperback plays neatly lined up in rows. And on the floor were a few sealed cardboard boxes sitting in small piles.

The only thing that distracted Tara from this remarkable personal library was when Pam bent down to search through one of the lower shelves. She happened to be exactly in Tara's sightline and Tara tried to look away, but she was unable to ignore the spike of arousal that in that moment hit her hard. Her body was fucking mesmerizing. All she wanted to do was pin Pam against the wall and ravage her right then and there.

Pam pulled out the book she was looking for and stood up. She turned around and moved towards Tara, who tried to get a hold of herself. She knew she was being ridiculous. Pam held out the novel and Tara took it.

"Thanks."

Pam nodded.

"You have so many books…" Tara remarked stupidly.

Pam smiled. "When you become old like me, you'll see how quickly things add up over the years." She then walked over to the table to grab something else.

She was just teasing, but the comment did spark Tara's curiosity. She suddenly wondered what Pam's age was, surprised that she had never thought about it before. She was sure learning the specific number wouldn't bother her, but she still very much wanted to know. It's not like she was old enough to be her mother or anything. She looked much too good for that to be the case.

Tara had always found older women appealing, but she had never been more attracted to anyone than she was to Pam. She had wondered and stressed about if this was simply because she couldn't have her, but Tara honestly believed she would feel the same way even if Pam didn't happen to be her teacher.

Her mind then travelled to the next logical question: was she dating someone?

Oh God, what if she was married?

No. She didn't have a ring on her finger.

Oh God, what if she was straight?

These questions continued to torment Tara as Pam walked over to her. She handed her a small, stapled packet of papers.

It was a paper Tara had written on _Jane Eyre_. 96%. Not bad.

"Just finished grading these. Figured you'd want it back."

"Thanks," Tara said quietly. She realized that it was time for her to go. She had everything she needed. And she had to start her homework. But she didn't want to leave. She desperately wanted to stay.

Luckily, Pam wasn't kicking her out. It wasn't every day that she got to share and discuss her elaborate collection of literature with a fellow avid reader.

"What other authors are you reading in this class?" she asked.

"Um… James Baldwin, Alice Walker, Zora Neale Hurston."

"Have you read _Their Eyes were Watching God_?" Pam inquired.

"Yeah," Tara answered. "I like it a lot."

Pam nodded and turned back to the shelf. She looked for another book as she continued speaking.

"I would have liked to teach a course like that, but I never felt right about doing so. But that novel in particular, I hear so often how it's praised because of its rejection of racial uplift literary prescriptions. But she also refused to censor women's sexuality, and what I admire most is how she writes in such beautiful innuendo to embrace the physical dimension to the characters' romances.

Tara swallowed. Even just hearing the word sexuality form on Pam's lips turned her on.

"Do you want a glass of water?" Pam asked, thankfully snapping Tara out of her silent fantasies.

"Sure."

They moved into the kitchen where Tara saw more stacks of large boxes strewn over the floor and table.

"Are you moving?" she inquired as she looked around the room.

Pam chuckled. "No. I've just been packing a lot of things to put in the attic. Organizing and such."

Tara nodded. "Do you need help moving them?"

Pam shook her head. "No, no, it's fine. They're really heavy…"

But even before she finished speaking, Tara bent down and easily pulled one into her arms.

"Where should I go?" she asked.

Pam was about to protest and tell her to put it down, but after standing there for a moment, she walked through the living room to the staircase. Tara followed Pam up the stairs, and when they reached the attic, she placed the box down in a corner and went back down. Pam sat at the kitchen table as Tara continued to do this over and over again. Sweat gradually began to form at the back of her neck and her lower back and Tara pulled off her baggy t-shirt. Underneath was a white ribbed tank top that clung tightly to her body. Pam had to deliberately look away to stop staring. She had never seen Tara's body that exposed before, and she didn't realize how fit she was. The muscles in her arms rippled underneath her smooth, dark skin, and she saw how her back flexed as she carried each heavy load. It almost made her think of what else she could pick up…

Her shoulders were so toned that Pam wanted to touch them. Whether she admitted it to herself or not, this was all turning her on. She watched beads of sweat begin to drip down Tara's temples. She heard her breathe heavily as she gripped each box tightly and hiked up the stairs. She followed her up the stairs as she carried the last one and could even smell a subtle musk now wafting through the air. Tara set the box down and Pam closed the door to the attic as Tara went down one flight to the second floor. She needed to wash her face, so she moved down the hallway and opened the first door she encountered.

"Could I use your bathroom-"

But when Tara opened the door, she realized it was Pam's bedroom. She backed up slightly, but Pam was right behind her and stopped her.

"No, it's okay. There's another bathroom through here."

She guided Tara into the room and opened another door on the opposite side. They walked inside and Pam handed her a small towel.

"Thanks," Tara murmured.

"Do you need to borrow a shirt?" Pam asked. Tara had sweat straight through her top.

"No, it's okay," Tara countered.

She turned on the faucet and held the towel underneath it. Pam left the room to give her some privacy. Tara wiped her face and then her arms and under arms. For some reason she had forgotten how bizarre and crazy it was that she was standing right beside her teacher's bedroom at her house. In a see-through shirt, at that.

When she was done, she placed the towel in a small hamper that sat in the corner and walked back out. She went downstairs and found Pam washing vegetables in the sink. Tara stood there awkwardly for a moment as she waited to be seen.

"I'll just, um, get going…" she began.

Pam's brow wrinkled. "Tara, it's dark out now. Do you even know where you are?"

"Yeah," Tara asserted unconvincingly. "Sort of…"

"Why don't you stay for dinner and I'll drive you home after?" Pam offered.

Tara shook her head. "No, that's okay."

"It's the least I can do to thank you for all the help you've done," Pam urged. She would feel too guilty letting Tara work herself so hard to just to send her away immediately afterward. She also wanted her to spend more time with her, but she pushed this thought away in an attempt to ignore it.

"Please," Pam implored.

Tara eventually relented. She ended up sitting at the kitchen table flipping through a magazine while Pam prepared a chicken and vegetable stew. In the midst of boiling and stirring, Pam unthinkingly reached into the cupboard for a bottle of Merlot. She was so used to having a glass of wine with her meal that she completely forgot Tara was there. When she did realize her mistake, she hastily opened the cupboard again and put it back. Tara saw her do this.

"You can have some," she declared. "I don't mind."

This was beginning to get awkward. Things had been okay so far, but drinking in front of her student, even casually with her meal, seemed to be a little too much.

"No, no, it's fine," Pam said, trying to brush it off flippantly.

"I don't mind. Really," Tara insisted.

Pam hesitated for a moment, but then brought out the bottle again. Perhaps she was making a bit deal out of nothing. It was just a glass of wine. She was an adult.

She finished cooking and Tara offered to set the table. They sat across from each other and began to eat. Tara was famished and didn't realize how much she missed having home-cooked meals. She was still on a meal plan because she never had time to cook, and the food in the cafeteria left much to be desired.

"This is really good," Tara mouthed as she chewed.

Pam chuckled. "Thanks. It's one of the four dishes I know how to cook," she teased. She watched Tara scarf the food down and she sipped her wine.

XXX

The hours passed and they ended up talking the entire time. Pam hadn't been paying attention, and had heedlessly consumed three and a half glasses of Merlot already. The effects of the wine had clearly gone to her head because she somehow allowed Tara to start having some herself. She vaguely recalled Tara arguing that it was a Friday, so she didn't have class the next day, and that she was 21. All Pam remembered was that for some reason she hated hearing Tara explicitly state her age.

They sat on the couch now, both bare-footed and in good spirits. Pam's legs were extended over the cushions and Tara leaned against the other end with her legs crossed.

"She never shuts up, does she?" Pam complained, referring to the blonde suck-up who always sat near the front in class.

"It'd be one thing if she was actually saying something of _significance_, but every thought that comes out of her mouth is more ridiculous than the last…" Pam went on.

Tara wanted to laugh, but she knew that this conversation was entirely inappropriate. She tried to steer Pam towards a new topic, because the liquor in her seemed to boost this need to freely vent about any and everything.

"Who's that guy in the picture frame? Above the fireplace," Tara inquired. She was well aware that she might receive the heart-breaking answer of "boyfriend" or whatever else by bringing this up, but the thought had been plaguing her for half the evening and she needed to satisfy her curiosity.

"The one where we are sitting outside in a plaza?" Pam queried.

Tara nodded.

"That's a good friend of mine. Met him in grad school," she answered.

Even while sitting, the man looked well over six feet tall. He had short blonde hair and a wide, muscular frame. He was very handsome, and Tara felt nothing but relief when she heard Pam's response.

"Why, did you think he was my husband or something?" Pam inquired, almost slurring her words. She wasn't heavily drunk, but the alcohol coupled with her exhaustion was bringing out a very potent honesty in her.

"Oh, um, no…" Tara stammered.

"He was never my husband," Pam continued. "Because _I_ married a complete asshole," she uttered bluntly.

Tara swallowed a large gulp of wine and cleared her throat.

"What happened?" she asked eventually.

Pam closed her eyes and licked her lips.

"He cheated on me," she replied. "Multiple times…"

She downed the rest of her drink. "Bastard…"

Sober Pam would have no idea where all this candor and anger was coming from, especially since she had been divorced from him for almost a decade and was well over it. But it felt good to let loose a little, so she didn't try and rein it in.

"I'm sorry," Tara breathed.

Pam shrugged. "I didn't even love him anyway. Thought I did, because I was young and fucking stupid."

Tara stared at Pam in disbelief. How was this even happening? She was literally drinking at her professor's home while hearing her curse and divulge about her past relationships. Was this a dream?

But she was having too much fun to dwell on feelings of guilt and bemusement. This was what she wanted. To spend time with Pam without feeling like her young, naïve inferior. Despite the difference in their age and life experiences, she firmly believed that they were on the same level.

Pam opened her eyes. She looked over at Tara, who was rubbing her finger around the rim of her glass that sat lodged in her lap. Pam crawled over to Tara and grabbed it, setting it on the table.

"That's enough for you," she warned.

Tara wanted to smile, but Pam's face was mere inches from hers and she could feel her heart start to beat faster.

"You've had twice as much as I have," Tara teased.

"No I haven't," Pam pooh-poohed.

"I thought you were going to drive me home…" Tara reminded as she raised her eyebrows.

"Oh fuck," Pam exclaimed. She sat up on her knees and brought her hand over her mouth. "I completely forgot…"

Tara chuckled. "It's okay. I can take the bus or something. Maybe I'll just walk."

"No, you can't do that. I'll stop now. Just give me an hour. I'm so sorry," Pam apologized.

Tara smiled. She had never seen Pam like this. She was like a completely different person. She remained hovering in front of Tara, with her pale cheeks rosy and flushed and her golden hair falling across her face.

Pam bit her lip in compunction as she removed her hand and accidentally let it rest on Tara's thigh. Tara gazed at her as her heart continued to pound. All she wanted to do in that moment was lean in and kiss her.

But she couldn't. She knew she couldn't, and it killed her.

Still, with the help of some liquid courage, she couldn't resist bringing her hand to Pam's face and slowly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Their eyes met and Pam felt a wave of desire course through her. Tara dragged her fingers down from Pam's ear to her clavicle, lightly tracing over her soft, milky skin as her breaths grew deeper.

Pam closed her eyes at the touch, and Tara couldn't resist any longer. She seemed to have full confidence now that Pam wanted her back, and she took this opportunity to lean in and brush her lips against Pam's.

Pam's lips automatically opened and she exhaled through her nose. She could already feel a throbbing in between her legs and she slipped her tongue inside Tara's mouth. Tara grabbed her around her waist and pulled her closer, and Pam straddled her thighs.

Pam was too caught up in the feeling to stop it. It felt too good. Tara's lips and tongue were so warm and soft and she never wanted to stop. She hadn't been intimate with anyone in years, and the fact that it was Tara made every touch even more heightened. Tara dragged her hands down over her breasts and Pam moaned into her mouth, already feeling herself getting wet. Tara tangled her hands into Pam's hair and tugged gently. She tilted their heads further, deepening the kiss. She broke away and kissed her neck, sucking on her pulse point.

Tara then lifted her and pushed her onto her back. But it wasn't until her fingers fumbled for the zipper of her skirt that Pam was truly reminded of what was happening.

_Oh my god_.

She pushed Tara hard away from her. That had completely sobered her up, because she shot up to standing and buried her face in her hands. Tara stared at her, positively stunned.

"Are you okay?" Tara asked. Whatever moral dilemma Pam was struggling with was not a problem for Tara. She was simply concerned with this newfound panic that she was observing in her.

"You need to go," Pam said hastily. How Tara was getting home wasn't even on her mind in the slightest now.

_Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God_.

That's all Pam could think. She walked over to the coffee table and grabbed Tara's things, dropping them in her lap before Tara could even get up and follow her.

"Please go," Pam breathed, her voice higher in pitch and full of alarm, squeezing her eyes shut as she walked away.

Tara didn't move. She was too caught off guard. Pam marched over to her, still in a frenzied panic.

"Jesus Tara, I said get the fuck out!" she shrieked.

Tara's eyes widened and she stood up. Pam moved to the door and held it open. Tara stepped outside but turned before she left.

"Hey, it's o-"

But Pam had already shut the door in her face, accidentally slamming it. She moved to the stairs, stumbling for a moment and holding herself steady with the rail before going to her room to panic in solitude.

Tara stood on the deck in utter confusion. She almost wanted to cry. The sound of the door slamming shut still rang continuously in her ears. She eventually turned and looked around the dark street, realizing that she had absolutely no idea how to get home.


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N**__ Didn't want to keep you all waiting so I tried to update as soon as I could. Would love to hear your comments. xoxo_

* * *

Tara stood there paralyzed. She felt sick. She had no idea what to do. She stared at the door and tried to hold back tears that so desperately wanted to spill out. She eventually bent down and slipped her shoes on, then folded her paper and placed it inside Pam's book. She had a phone but no money, so she couldn't call a cab. She had no idea where the nearest bus stop was, if there even was one. She didn't have any close friends to call either. She was on a residential street that she wasn't familiar with in the slightest.

She couldn't properly process everything that had just happened. Finally being able to kiss Pam and feel her touch was nothing short of ecstasy, but it had all been negated in an instant.

This is why Tara didn't let people in. She felt humiliated and utterly idiotic for thinking Pam would be different, that she was safe with her, that she wouldn't hurt her. Tara knew she had crossed a line, but she didn't expect to be treated like that. She had been screamed at and deserted time and time again from her mother, but it hurt exponentially more now. It was inexplicably worse when Pam had done it.

Tara felt an anger boiling low in her stomach. She didn't dare knock on the door or beg to be allowed inside. Instead, she walked down the steps and picked a direction to head in, trying her best to ignore the sudden chill that enwrapped her naked arms and thinly clothed torso.

Each step she took seemed to drain more hope and life out of her. She was cold, scared, and positively lost. She was afraid that she wouldn't be able to find her way, that she would have to sleep somewhere outside for the night.

Right before she reached the next block, she heard a clap of thunder sound ominously from the sky. It was so sudden and resounding that it sent a pulsing jolt of fear straight up her spine. She kept walking, willing herself to be brave.

And then, it began. It started to drizzle, lightly and slowly at first, but then in an instant turned to a heavy outpour. Thick, cold droplets smacked unrepentantly against Tara's skin and she stopped dead in the middle of the street.

She held her arms out, palms up, now unable to hold back the tears. Fueled by rage, hurt, and bitterness, she screamed at the top of her lungs and her face crumpled.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" she wailed in despair.

She was already drenched. She looked around and found a large tree that stood in the middle of someone's yard. She walked over and sat against the thick trunk, waiting for the rain to subside as she continued to hopelessly cry.

XXX

_A few minutes earlier._

Pam entered her room in a panic. What the fuck had just happened? What did she just _allow_ to happen? No, not only allow, but freely reciprocate and participate in? Pam had always been so in control of her actions that she couldn't understand how she let herself go like that, how she had been so unthinkingly foolish.

But she really did understand. It was because it was Tara. She should have been proud of staying away as long as she did. There was an unspeakable and invisible pull between the two of them that was impossible to ignore. It had only been a matter of time, whether Pam admitted this or not.

She then recalled how she ended it. She had thrown Tara out on an impulse, but now felt absolutely dreadful about it. It was rash and completely irresponsible, regardless of whatever had just preceded.

Pam swiftly went back down the stairs and pulled open the front door, praying that Tara was still standing there.

She wasn't. She was gone.

Pam looked down both sides of the street, hoping to see Tara's silhouette in the distance. She moved forward to the edge of the deck, unable to see anything.

"Tara!" she called.

No response.

"TARA!" she called again, so harshly that it strained her throat.

Nothing.

Pam brought her palms to her forehead. Oh God, what had she done? Where was she? She didn't even have her phone number. What the hell could she do?

And then she heard it. The thunder. Her eyes widened as she stood there completely still, hoping that it was nothing.

But the rain gradually began to fall. It tapped rhythmically against the roof and soon began to flow in small streams along the sides of the road. Pam stopped breathing. She had never felt so guilty in her life. What the hell was wrong with her?

She scurried back inside to slip on a pair of shoes and grab her keys. She got inside the car and hurriedly reversed out of the driveway.

XXX

Pam never found her. She circled the entire neighborhood for over an hour, windshield wipers moving at a chaotic pace as she craned her neck to properly see outside. She knew she had to give up. But she hoped that by some miracle Tara had found her way home. That she wasn't still out there lost and abandoned.

Pam reluctantly turned the car around and headed home. She felt like a failure in every way.

XXX

Two hours later, the rain had subsided. Tara was calmer now. She felt numb and empty. She stood up and mindlessly began to walk down the street again. She would haphazardly turn at intersections, going left or right based completely on whim. She eventually reached a main road that she recognized and walked down it for over four miles until she was near campus again.

It was 5 in the morning when Tara arrived at her apartment. She was exhausted, dehydrated, and her limbs ached. She slipped off her damp shoes and pulled out her phone, which was thankfully still working.

Pam's book was ruined. The rain had completely soaked it, diluting the ink as it bled down the pages. But Tara didn't even worry about her paper anymore, because she knew that there was no need to do it now. The conversation she had had with her mother was not just a simple argument; it had serious implications that Tara knew she couldn't escape. She had pushed away the discussion in her mind because she was so happy to be spending time with Pam earlier that evening. But she was now reminded of what it all meant. And for the first time, she was somewhat okay with it all. Because she realized that there was no one keeping her here anymore.

XXX

Pam had both anticipated and dreaded the upcoming Monday. She needed to see Tara's face again, but she was terrified of what her reaction would be.

But Tara never showed up. Pam at first hoped that she was just late. But halfway through the class she realized that Tara wasn't coming.

Of course she wasn't. Pam didn't know why she thought she would.

The days passed. Tara wasn't there on Wednesday. Or Friday. Or the next Monday. And so on.

Pam understood that she was likely still hurt and didn't want to be around her. While she respected this, she needed to talk to her. She needed to see her and to know that she was okay. But she didn't know how.

One day though, Pam thought of a plan. She remembered another course Tara was taking and realized that this was the way to find her. She checked the Office of the Registrar for the schedule, and the following day walked to the East side of campus to the Black Culture Center. She waited by one of the lecture halls, sitting on a bench in agony with her hands clasped tightly together.

Suddenly, her head snapped up as she heard the door pushed open. Students began to file out of the room, and Pam scanned through them looking for Tara. She waited and waited, but even after the crowd had passed and dispersed she couldn't find her.

Tara never emerged. She wasn't there. Pam understood why Tara wasn't attending her class anymore, but why would she be skipping any others?

She stood up and reluctantly began walking down the hallway towards the exit. She turned a corner, moving past the center's library. Her eyes automatically scanned the room, but as she saw something she immediately halted to a stop.

There was Tara, reading in a corner of the room.

Pam hesitated, unsure of whether to approach her. But she eventually packed up the courage to open the door and go inside. Tara's eyes lifted from the page as Pam moved closer towards her. She was clearly surprised, but did not appear to be in the mood to talk. Just as Pam arrived and whispered "Can I talk to you?" Tara stood up and grabbed her things, moving past her and swiftly exiting the library.

Pam bit her lip and looked around, hoping nothing she was doing seemed suspicious in any way. She eventually left as well, following Tara but carefully monitoring her behavior as they were in public.

Tara did not stop. Pam had no idea where she was going, but she also knew that this was her one chance to see her and speak with her. She followed her but left a good 100 yards of distance between the two of them.

Tara's apartment was not far away; it was only a ten-minute walk from the library. Once they were off campus and back in a residential area, Pam hurried her steps to edge closer to Tara. She finally closed the distance right as they arrived at her apartment. Tara unlocked the door, and Pam made her way inside before Tara could close it.

Tara was trying to be calm, but she did not want to do this right now. She couldn't handle it. She dropped her keys on the table and turned to stare at Pam.

"I don't want to talk to you," she stated firmly, trying to keep her voice from shaking. She turned to slide a cardboard box across the floor with the inside of her foot.

"I know," Pam breathed. She watched Tara begin to pack away books and other things from around the room, but she was too focused on apologizing to acknowledge this yet.

"Tara, I'm sorry," Pam urged.

"_Tara,"_ she repeated. "Please look at me."

Tara ignored her, busy with her task at hand.

Pam stood there, watching her with despair for several minutes. She waited patiently, hoping that Tara would somehow eventually engage with her when she was finished. But Tara carried on with her business, acting as if Pam was invisible.

"God dammit, Tara, talk to me!" Pam pleaded.

Tara continued to ignore her, instead walking into the kitchen which was an open area connected to the living room. She pulled open a couple drawers and began to take out all of the silverware.

Pam couldn't wait there any longer. She walked over to Tara, whose back was still turned to her. She gently placed her hands on Tara's shoulders and nearly had a heart attack when Tara whipped around and pushed her hands away.

"_No_," Tara declared harshly.

Pam swallowed. She didn't know what to do. But she decided to speak anyway, because she knew Tara would still listen even if she didn't choose to respond.

"I'm so sorry, Tara," Pam rasped. "I… I wasn't thinking. _I'm sorry_. I tried to find you. I drove forever… I didn't know where you were. I could barely _see_ anything, and…"

She trailed off and fought back tears. Was anything she said ever going to be enough? Tara seemed irrevocably hurt, and understandably so.

"Are you going somewhere?" Pam asked as she finally acknowledged the boxes and suitcases that littered the place. "Are you leaving?"

Tara didn't answer as she continued to silently pack.

"Tara, can you please talk to me?!" Pam implored desperately.

Tara stopped and looked down at the floor. She knew she had to speak eventually.

"Yes, I'm leaving," she murmured.

Pam's heart stopped. "What? Why would you do that?" Did what happened between the two of them really affect Tara so much that she felt the need to quit school?

"I can't afford it anymore," Tara replied plainly.

Pam's brow wrinkled. She wasn't expecting that.

Tara still couldn't look at Pam, but she knew that she deserved an honest answer.

"My mom… she called me the other day. When I was in your car? She's been warning me about this for weeks. Something's happened and I can't afford to stay here anymore."

"I thought you were on full scholarship?" Pam pressed.

"I still have to pay for everything else," Tara answered. She was quiet for a while, trying to collect herself and get the words out.

"She…" Tara began. "She's been with this guy for a couple years. Before she met him, I was working six days a week. I was only able to take classes part time here. But after they met, he started sending me money to pay for everything that I needed. I didn't accept it at first, because he was married and I was so mad with my mom about it all. But his help is what got me this far…"

Tara paused and her voice became so soft it was barely audible.

"She called me the other day to tell me that they aren't together anymore."

"So you have to leave?" Pam demanded, completely stunned. "Can't your mom get a job?"

Tara stared up at the ceiling and bit her cheek. "She can't do anything," she mumbled.

Pam didn't hear her. "What?"

"She's an alcoholic," Tara uttered loudly.

Pam's shoulders slumped as she exhaled. How was this happening? This was not right. Not even because she would miss Tara, but because dropping out of school was a huge mistake, something that would significantly affect Tara's entire future. And she had such a bright one ahead of her.

"You can't go," Pam asserted. "There has to be another way to deal with this. _Tara."_

"She'll be here on Thursday. I leave the next day."

Tara squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop herself from crying. She kept her back turned and her shoulders were hunched as she gripped the counter hard. She took in slow, deep inhales, trying to stay calm and unemotional. But a few moments later, she felt Pam's hands softly wrap around her and her legs almost buckled.

"DON'T TOUCH ME," she wept, breaking free from her grasp.

Pam reached for her again, but Tara spun around to face her.

"You kicked me out and slammed the door in my face!" Tara cried. "I was out there in the rain and the cold for FIVE hours! I_ hate_ you!" she bellowed.

Pam knew Tara didn't mean it, but hearing the words simply devastated her. She clenched the muscles in her stomach and blew out a shaky breath.

"I'm so sorry, Tara. I panicked…"

She tried to close the distance between them, but this time, Tara pushed her back. Pam almost fell backwards, stumbling to catch her balance.

"Get out," Tara blubbered.

"Tara, please-"

"GET OUT!" Tara roared as tears continued to streak down her cheeks. She couldn't bear looking at Pam anymore, especially with the knowledge that she would be gone in just a few days_. _She couldn't handle it anymore.

Pam didn't want to keep defying her. She moved towards the door, reluctantly opening it and walking outside. Before she could even take another step, she heard the door slam loudly behind her. The noise and sheer force of it made her stomach leap into her throat and she could feel the blood pulsing in her ears. Tara had done it deliberately, and Pam knew why.

Tara stood alone in her apartment now. And when she saw Pam begin to walk away, she fell to her knees, her whole body shaking as she held herself and sobbed.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N**__ Merry Christmas everyone. Here is my present to you. And you know what yours is for me : ) xoxo_

* * *

Tara was a mess for the rest of the day. She couldn't pack anymore. She eventually moved to her bed, lying there curled up in a ball on her side. Her arm was burrowed into her chest with her hand resting lightly under her chin. The hours passed and she gradually calmed down. She lay there in the dark, drawing in deep breaths through her nose, only occasionally sniffling here and there.

She didn't know what to do. So many things were changing and none of them felt right. Yet they were all out of her control. It was almost impossible to stay positive. It wasn't that Tara loved this school so much that she couldn't bear the thought of leaving. But she didn't want to depart without her degree.

Still, what surprised her the most was that this was not even the most prominent and pressing concern in her mind. Truthfully, all her thoughts lay somewhere else.

Tara did not want to leave Pam. Yes, this woman she had only known for a few weeks, this woman whom she wasn't even _with_, she did not want to leave. This was because Tara knew if she left, she would likely never see her again. And realistically, she was right.

Pam on the other hand was not giving up so easily. This whole situation was unacceptable and just plain wrong. Tara may have been hopelessly despondent, but Pam was angry. She thought of all the hard work Tara had done, all the obstacles she had to overcome to get to where she was, and how it was all being thrown carelessly away in the blink of an eye. She was not going to let this happen. She knew Tara wanted nothing to do with her anymore, but if Tara wasn't going to fight to stay here, there was no way in hell that Pam was going to sit there idly and do nothing as well.

XXX

A few days later, Tara sat in her bedroom writing. She wore a grey tank top and dark wash jeans and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. As she scribbled her pen into her notepad, she heard a loud series of knocks coming from the front door. She sighed and stood up, heading towards the living room. It was Thursday afternoon and she knew who had arrived.

Tara pulled the door open and there was Lettie Mae. She was in a white floral Sunday dress, but she didn't look well; she looked sweaty and hung over. She had also slipped an excessive amount of vodka into her sweet tea during the drive in attempt to alleviate her pounding headache. She had been practically sober for the past two years, but her recent break up had devastated her. She was now back to using alcohol as a way to mask her pain.

Right behind Lettie Mae stood Reverend Daniels, whom Tara did not know was going to be there. But she knew that there was no way her mother could have travelled all the way from Louisiana on her own. The man had his flaws, but he was courteous enough to help Tara move back home even after having split with her mother so recently. When the moment was right, he would take Tara aside and explain that he couldn't continue with his financial assistance any longer because he was getting back together with his wife. He would tell Tara that this arrangement would of course no longer be acceptable and appropriate.

Tara would understand. She wasn't angry with him for this. She should in fact have been more upset with Lettie Mae for being such a failure of a parent, provider, and nurturer, but she was so used to it now that all she felt was jaded.

"Hi Momma," she murmured.

"Hi baby," Lettie Mae answered, stepping briskly inside the place as Reverend Daniels followed cautiously behind her.

She was exhausted from the trip and blundered over to the couch.

"Phew!" she exclaimed as she plunked herself down ungracefully. "It's so hot in here, baby!" she complained, pulling out a lace fan from her purse that she used often in church.

"Hello Tara," Reverend Daniels said warmly.

Tara nodded warily. She had mixed feelings about him right now.

He walked towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I see you've packed. Good, good. How are you doing?" he asked gently.

Tara simply looked down at the floor and blinked. He squeezed her shoulder and leaned in a little closer.

"I know things are difficult right now, Tara. But you know what I always say: it's all part of God's plan. I know you might not believe it, but I see some wonderful things just on the horizon for you. You just gotta keep that faith," he assured her, patting her shoulder before walking away.

"Lettie Mae, you need to eat something," he reminded her. "What would you like? I can go and get us something for supper."

"Mm, it don't matter, baby." She still spoke to him as if they were together, but he had learned to simply go along with this.

"But make sure you pick up somethin' to drink too. Could sure use some Southern Comfort right 'bout now," she added.

The reverend sighed and Lettie Mae leaned back into the couch cushions.

"Whew, I am so exhausted!" she uttered. "That was a long, looong trip baby girl. But I made it because I love ya, you know that."

Tara made no comment. She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a sponge from the sink. She wet it under the faucet and began to clean the inside of her fridge.

Reverend Daniels walked to the door. "I'll be back in a little bit, all right? I think a nice meal will do you good, Lettie Mae. I also want to stop by the Methodist Episcopal Church in town and speak to the local pastor. I know South Carolinians are a mighty God-loving people… makes me want to meet them all," he said with a smile.

He shut the door gently as he left. Lettie Mae's eyes eventually slipped shut. Within minutes she was fast asleep, and tiny snores began to fill the air as her mouth fell open.

XXX

For the next hour and a half, Tara read in the bedroom to pass the time. She was only interrupted when she heard a few knocks at the door again. She stood up and walked into the living room.

"Momma, wake up!" she urged. "Reverend Daniels is back with dinner for you."

Lettie Mae didn't budge. Tara went over and shook her a little, and her head snapped up in surprise.

"Mm, I'm up, I'm up," she murmured. Her legs were spread wide in an un-ladylike stance, but her dress billowed down far enough to thankfully cover everything that needed covering.

Tara opened the door. She stopped breathing the moment she did. There in front of her was Pam, standing before her with a shy yet self-possessed expression on her face.

Tara was so caught off guard seeing her that she didn't even remember that she was upset with her. She had no idea what Pam was doing here, and didn't even know if she should let her in while Lettie Mae was around. Little did she know that Pam had actually come specifically to see Tara's mother.

"Hi Tara," Pam said softly.

"Hi," Tara murmured.

They stood there awkwardly for a moment.

"Could I come in?" Pam requested.

"Okay," Tara responded softly. Besides the burning curiosity of why Pam happened to be standing at her door, Tara was glad to see her again. She did not want their awful interactions from earlier that week to have been their last.

Pam looked so beautiful. She had a charcoal tank on underneath a sheer pintuck blouse. This was coupled with a jet-black cady pencil skirt and tribute patent pumps. Her cheeks were rouged lightly with pink and her hair was swept back into a bun.

Tara held the door open and Pam walked inside. Lettie Mae gazed at her with wary curiosity as Pam approached her.

"Hi, I'm Pam. I'm one of Tara's teachers. You must be Ms. Thornton. It's a pleasure to meet you," Pam stated as she held out her arm.

Lettie Mae tentatively shook her hand.

"I didn't think it was customary for a student's teacher to be comin' to a student's house like this…" Lettie Mae said somewhat accusingly under her breath.

"I actually came to speak with you, Ms. Thornton," Pam affirmed. "Tara mentioned you'd be arriving today… I wanted to make sure I had a chance to talk to you before you left."

Lettie Mae glared at her, unsure of what one of Tara's teachers could possibly be here to tell her.

"Well have a seat," she said a little too brusquely. She closed her eyes for a while as a wave of nausea swept through her, and Pam waited until she opened them again to start speaking.

"I… I just wanted to talk to you about Tara's situation. It just seems, it seems such a shame that she has to leave like this when she is so close to completing her degree. I came here because, well, I wanted to see if there were any other possible options she had that would allow her to stay for just one more year," Pam explained.

Lettie Mae did not look pleased. Who did this woman think she was?

"Well, you may be Tara's teacher but you don't know the whole situation so I don't think you should be stickin' your nose into business that you don't belong in," Lettie Mae warned.

Pam swallowed and reminded herself to be patient. She knew this wasn't going to be easy.

Tara stood frozen behind the both of them, gauging their reactions as she felt the blood in her ears start to pulse faster.

"I understand I might appear presumptuous in my coming here and offering my opinion like this…" Pam began. "But it's only because I truly care about Tara and her education. I just think it would be a horrible shame if Tara had to leave school prematurely like this. She is the brightest student in my class… arguably in her entire year-"

"Well I'm glad you think you know my daughter so well, but we're doing what we got to do at the moment, and that's the way it's gonna be," Lettie Mae retorted.

"Do you mind me asking if you were financially supporting Tara in any way while she was at school?" Pam inquired.

"Yes, I very much _do_ mind you asking such a personal question like that. That is none of your concern," Lettie Mae responded.

Tara swallowed and blew out a breath of air in an effort to stay calm as she watched on.

"My apologies, Ms. Thornton. I only say this because I'm aware that Tara was receiving some aid outside of her scholarship that is no longer available, and I wanted to see if there was any way you could possibly take over some of the cost of living for the time being," Pam stated.

"And who says I gotta pay for anything?" Lettie Mae returned. "She ain't a child anymore. If she needs to support herself, she can do it herself. That's part of growin' up," she lectured.

"Well from what I understand, Tara was doing that in her first year here... " Pam countered. "The problem was that as a result, she had very little time to actually take any courses. Furthermore, with her currently working towards completing two majors and a minor, almost all the free time she has should be devoted to those subjects… rather than having to work some minimum wage job that further exhausts her and distracts her from her studies," Pam asserted.

"So what are you implying, huh?" Lettie Mae demanded. "I got my own things to deal with. I shouldn't be payin' for her food, her clothes, her house- all that she should be takin' responsibility for herself. Cuz if I did, what kind of lesson would I be teachin' her?"

The woman's logic baffled Pam. Even from their brief conversation now, Pam could understand why Tara spoke to her mother with such haste and irritation.

"I understand that it's not your job to financially support Tara anymore. But I just ask that you remember how much of a difference completing school and acquiring a degree would make for Tara's future. Because I have no doubt that she will be incredibly successful in any and all of her endeavors once she graduates. You must understand how _crucial_ it is to obtain that college degree in order to open up countless more possibilities in the future…"

"I don't need this right now," Lettie Mae asserted. The alcohol in her system was exacerbating her irascible nature, yet she also felt like she needed at least five more drinks to deal with this. She was tired and sweaty and not in the mood.

"I'm sorry?" Pam asked, seeking clarification. "What don't you need?"

"I don't need some nosy white bitch comin' in here tellin' me how to run my life," Lettie Mae declared.

"Momma!" Tara breathed.

Pam bit the inside of her lip hard and her eyebrow arched.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, you heard what I said. I'm tired of listening to this! Ain't nothing you say gonna change the situation; all you doing is givin' me a damn headache… Tara, baby, could you fetch me something to drink? I don't feel so good…"

Tara stood there, positively immobile.

"Listen, Ms. Thornton-"

"Are you still talkin'? Jesus himself wouldn't be able to take this," Lettie Mae uttered as she threw her hands up in the air.

"Could you please just hear me out? I think if-"

"How about you just get goin', hm? You know, I've just come from a long ways away, been travelin' all day, and I need to rest," Lettie Mae said dismissively.

"I didn't realize having a simple conversation was so exhausting for you," Pam stated blankly.

Lettie Mae's eyes widened. "Didn't I just tell you to get outta here?! I ain't got time for this! I don't know who you think you are but you ain't welcome here! Tara is _my_ daughter and I know what's best for-"

"No you don't," Pam argued, interrupting her for the first time now that her patience had finally worn thin.

"You most certainly _do not_ know what's best for Tara," Pam continued. "Because what's best for her is her staying _here_ and finishing school. Not returning to some underdeveloped, unsafe community- returning to a mother who would choose a bottle of bourbon over her own daughter's education and well-being."

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" Lettie Mae exploded, shooting up to standing. "Uh uh, I will NOT allow this! You ain't got NO right to be speakin' to me like this! I am a good, God-fearing Christian woman and I do not deserve to be spoken to like this!"

"Momma!" Tara exclaimed as her heart pounded, feeling so uncomfortable that she wanted to die. She moved to place her hands on her mother's shoulders in an attempt to calm her.

Pam had given up trying to speak rationally with the woman. She too stood up, ready to take her head on.

"Do you not understand how self-centered you are being?" Pam pressed. "If you could just contribute _slightly _in helping ensure that your only daughter graduates from university, and from a school I might add she is _far_ too good for! Do you realize could have been accepted into any Ivy League school in the country but had to settle for this lackluster education because she grew up with a mother so incompetent and selfish she couldn't even save a single penny for her daughter's higher education?"

"YOU GOT NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THIS!" Lettie Mae rebuked.

"YOU ARE STILL MAKING THIS ABOUT YOURSELF!" Pam suddenly screamed, unable to stop herself. "Have you ever once truly thought about your daughter? About what SHE is feeling? About what SHE needs? Do you even understand what sacrifice is?!"

Pam's brow furrowed and she shook her head and stared at the ceiling. "Why did you even choose to be a mother in the first place when you are so completely unable to think of anyone but yourself?!" she demanded.

"I will not be spoken to like this," Lettie Mae warned, her voice low and threatening. "You are the devil itself."

"It's ONE more year!" Pam cried out of frustration. "How difficult can it be to let her stay for one more damn year?! Do you not see how utterly cruel and futile it would be to take her out now? She is almost finished! How difficult is it for you to put down the damn bottle, get off your ass, and find a damn job!?" Pam stressed.

"GET OUT!" Lettie Mae hollered. "GET OUT RIGHT NOW. I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS."

She stormed over to Pam, shoving her towards the door. It took every ounce of will power for Pam to stop herself from lurching at Lettie Mae and doing God knows what to her.

"ARE YOU GOING TO HIT ME NOW?" Pam hollered. "LIKE YOU DO WITH HER? EVER SINCE SHE WAS A FUCKING CHILD? YOU'RE A DAMN COWARD AND IT'S DESPICABLE.

Tara brought her hands to the sides of her head as her eyes began to fill with tears. She couldn't bear this.

"Pam," she cried feebly, wishing they would both stop screaming.

"I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS," Lettie Mae screeched. "I WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED LIKE THIS!"

Pam clenched her jaw, seething now, astonished at the level of selfishness she was witnessing.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT HATE YOURSELF?" she shrieked. "CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT HARM AND HOLD BACK THIS KIND, BEAUTIFUL, FIERCELY INTELLIGENT DAUGHTER OF YOURS FOR HER ENTIRE LIFE? SHE HAS GOTTEN TO WHERE SHE IS NOW WITH _NO _THANKS TO YOU. ABSOLUTELY NONE. AND YET SHE STILL MANAGES TO LOVE YOU, WHICH MAKES HER ALL THE MORE NOBLE AND FUCKING INCREDIBLE. SHE IS A HUNDRED TIMES THE WOMAN YOU ARE."

Tears began to slide down Tara's cheeks. Her body began to shake as her breathing became erratic and hitched.

Pam's words clearly cut deeply into Lettie Mae, because the woman could no longer raise her voice anymore. She backed up, inching closer to the door, shaking her head slowly.

"I cannot… I will not stand here and be spoken to in such a manner. To be _harassed_ like this…" Lettie Mae said shakily.

"Fine by me," Pam retorted. "Go back to hell where you came from."

Lettie Mae's jaw dropped. Pam knew what she was saying, that these particular words delivered to this particular woman were as offensive as they could possibly be. Lettie Mae swallowed as her lips trembled.

"Tara, baby, you gots to find your own ride home. I will not stay here any longer…"

Lettie Mae turned and opened the door. She paused for a moment as she gripped the doorknob tightly. When she walked outside she realized that she still had to wait for the reverend to return. Luckily, within a few minutes he was back, and before he could even turn off the engine she got into the passenger's seat of the car and somehow managed to convince him to drive. A moment later, they were gone.

XXX

Tara's chest was heaving as she stood there with damp cheeks and a trembling upper body. That was utterly terrifying. Tara had never seen Pam like that before. She stood there helplessly, unable to move or think clearly.

Pam needed a moment to calm down. Her heart rate gradually returned to normal and she could feel the adrenaline in her veins slowly fading away. After a few minutes, she cautiously walked over to Tara. Her expression was soft and warm now. She reached for Tara's hand and squeezed it tightly.

"I'm sorry," she murmured gently. She was apologizing not only for losing her temper and acting so spitefully with someone Tara loved dearly, but also for what had transpired between them a few days earlier as well.

Tara shook her head.

"Thank you," Tara said eventually.

Pam tilted her head in confusion.

Tara sniffled and wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist.

"For defending me," Tara added quietly.

No one had ever done that for her before. As distressing as it was to see Pam and her mother argue so viciously, hearing the things Pam said had warmed Tara's heart more than she could even put into words. She was honored. She was humbled. She was absolutely touched. Whatever doubts she had that Pam didn't care for her were so far gone it was as if they never existed.

Tara eventually returned to her normal state. Her face was dry and her nose was clear. Her breathing was back to its steady rhythm and her body was still. She realized that Pam was still holding her hand.

Tara looked into her eyes. They looked like clear, twinkling sapphires. Tara truly felt like she was seeing straight into Pam's soul. They gazed at each other like this for a while.

Pam squeezed Tara's hand again and rubbed her thumb over her knuckles.

"I don't want you to go," she whispered.

Tara was silent for a moment.

"I don't want to go," she said.

Their eyes met again, and this time Pam leaned in, covering Tara's mouth with her own.

Tara's lips responded immediately. She wrapped her arms around Pam's back and felt Pam's fingers softly caress the side of her face. Tara gripped her a little harder, guiding her as they moved across the floor, lips still connected. Tara's back eventually greeted a door, and she reached blindly for the handle. She twisted until the door opened and they both made their way inside her bedroom.


	7. Chapter 7

_** A/N**__ Ummm... yeahhhhh... Haha you know the drill! Would love to hear your comments. xoxo_

* * *

They gradually reached the bed and Tara pulled Pam around so that the backs of her knees were pressed against the mattress. Pam slipped her hands underneath Tara's shirt, tracing her slender, delicate fingers around her waist. She could feel her taut muscles tensing beneath her smooth, warm skin and it made Pam ache for her.

Tara reached her hands around and unzipped Pam's skirt, tugging it down until it fell to the floor. Pam slowly sat down on the bed as Tara sucked on her bottom lip. She opened her legs enough for Tara to kneel in between them, and she felt Tara reaching for the hem of her blouse. She lifted her arms and as Tara pulled it off, they locked eyes.

They both knew what has happening and there was no hesitation or doubt about it. Still, Tara's heart was pounding heavily in her chest and Pam couldn't ignore the waves of anxiety that flooded through her either. She gazed at Tara and brought her hand to her face, lightly stroking her thumb up and down her cheek. She leaned in and resumed their kisses. Hands began to roam as their tongues slid in and out of each other's mouths.

Tara broke away and swiftly pulled off Pam's camisole. She started kissing her neck and Pam's eyes slipped shut. She could feel Tara's warm breath heating her skin, and then her tongue sliding across her throat. She wrapped an arm around Tara's upper back while she cautiously reached down to slip off her heels. Tara dragged a warm, wet trail with her tongue down to the valley of Pam's breasts and Pam tried to steady her breath. She reached up and pulled out the handful of bobby pins that held together the bun at the back of her head. As she pulled out the last one and released her other hand, her golden locks bounced down, falling over her shoulders and down her back. Tara moved up, seeking Pam's lips again and threading a hand through her hair that smelled intoxicatingly of sweet, fresh citrus.

Pam's fingers found the button of Tara's jeans and she unsnapped and unzipped them deftly. She shimmied them down until they fell to the floor and then moved her hands inside Tara's blue boxers to squeeze and caress her ass. She trailed her hands up Tara's torso and slowly pulled her tank top over her head, exposing her grey sports bra from underneath.

Tara pushed Pam back onto the bed and Pam relaxed, letting her lead. Tara placed soft kisses down her neck and across her chest before moving lower. Pam's stomach was flat yet her pale skin was still soft and supple. Tara reached up and cupped her full breasts as her tongue swirled around her bellybutton. Pam's hands moved over Tara's head, stroking her hair as the ache between her thighs soon became unbearable.

Tara hooked her fingers inside her underwear, pulling them down her legs and off. She continued to place wet kisses down her abdomen, but just as she was about to venture lower, Pam stopped her. Tara paused and looked up at her.

"I want to see you," Pam whispered.

She reached underneath Tara's arms and pulled her up.

Tara's face now hovered over Pam's and she settled her body on top of hers. Pam felt Tara's warm, smooth skin now hugging her own and it felt wonderful. Tara kissed her jaw and down her throat and she felt Pam spread her legs and pull her in closer. Tara brushed her lips against Pam's as she reached around her back to unhook her bra, sliding the satin straps down her arms. Pam lay there fully nude and Tara couldn't help but stare. Her body was a work of art. Her frame was lithe yet full of curves, her skin milky yet rosy and flushed.

Pam's breathing was becoming labored, and as Tara leaned down to take one of her sensitive pink tips in her mouth, Pam's mouth fell open as she moaned. Tara flicked her tongue and sucked, causing Pam's nails to lightly rake down her back. Tara moved to tend to her other breast and Pam's back started to arch.

"Tara," she breathed.

Tara lifted her head only to bury it in the crook of Pam's neck. Pam ran her hands down Tara's muscular shoulders and swallowed.

"I'm more than ready," she whispered.

Pam felt Tara slowly trail her hands up her inner-thighs and she exhaled audibly in anticipation.

Tara's hand inched closer and her jaw almost dropped at how wet Pam was. She couldn't believe that Pam wanted her that badly. It made the pulse between her own legs intensify. She sucked in a breath and began to stroke her up and down, her fingers instantly becoming slick and hot. She continued to do this but soon felt Pam squeeze her shoulders hard out of frustration.

"Inside," she rasped, unable to say any more.

Tara obliged, easily sliding in two fingers, causing Pam's eyelashes to flutter as she moaned. Tara began to pump her fingers in and out of her, slowly increasing her pace as she returned her attention to Pam's breasts. She used her teeth to gently tug at her pert nipples and Pam tilted her head up to watch her. Her chest heaved and she dropped her head back down. It still wasn't enough. She reached down to Tara's hand, trying to urge a third finger inside. Tara took the hint and pushed all three digits inside forcefully and Pam whimpered as her brow furrowed.

Tara buried her face between Pam's breasts. She was going crazy. She could feel Pam clenching around her fingers as she clutched desperately at her back.

"Harder," Pam breathed, and Tara immediately obeyed, causing Pam to cry out and gasp for breath.

Tara quickened her thrusts, curling her fingers and drawing her fingers out all the way before pushing them back inside. Pam was going to reach her own hand down, but Tara's palm began to graze her bundle of nerves with each thrust. Pam's abs tensed and she let out a choked moan. She brought her hands to Tara's face and forced herself to keep her eyes open.

"Tara," she sighed.

"Kiss me."

Tara moved up and crushed her lips against Pam's. Pam wrapped her arms around Tara's back and she felt her muscles begin to tighten and contract. Tara gave her a few more firm, deliberate thrusts and Pam screamed. She turned her head to the side, tensing her neck as her body found release. Her mind was reeling and she pulled Tara in as closely as she could. Tara's head rested against her neck and her heated body hugged Pam's. Pam shuddered and quaked, the veins in her neck showing her struggle. She held Tara tightly and tried to regain control of her breath. Tara had slowed down her movements and soon pulled her hand out very gradually. She rested her soaked fingers on Pam's expanding and contracting stomach, lightly tracing her thumb around her bellybutton.

Pam gazed at her with heavy lids. She was overwhelmed and still recovering, but her eyes sparkled as she smiled at Tara. She felt so happy. So safe.

Tara stared at her in wonder. Pam was hers and it was still so hard to grasp this. But she was happy too. Indescribably so.

Pam sat up so her back was pressed against the headboard. She reached for Tara, pulling her onto her lap and kissing her softly. She tilted their heads, deepening the kiss. She dragged her palms down over Tara's covered breasts and she then tugged at the spandex straps, urging Tara to lift her arms.

Tara was so nervous that she did nothing for a moment. But then she remembered it was Pam. She raised her arms and felt the article of clothing being pulled up her arms and off her body.

Pam leaned forward and kissed the swell of each breast. Tara's skin absolutely glowed. It was dark, rich, and incredibly smooth. Pam reveled in it. She dragged her thumbs over her nipples and heard Tara exhale through her mouth. She pinched them firmly with a smile and watched Tara squirm a little. She trailed a hand down past her pelvis and began to stroke her over her boxers. She felt a dampness greet her fingers and Tara's brow tensed as she squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to stay calm as she felt Pam's hand slip beneath her underwear.

Pam used her free hand to pull Tara in by the nape of her neck. She turned her head and sucked on her earlobe. She then effortlessly slid three fingers inside and Tara's lips parted in a silent moan. Pam moved her head to Tara's chest and began to nip, suck, and lick every patch of skin she could reach. She began to individually move her fingers in a "come hither" motion, slowly curling them one by one. Tara may have needed a little direction, but Pam knew exactly what she was doing.

It felt fucking amazing, but Tara was so quiet. All that came out of her were sharp exhales and faint, tiny gasps.

Pam noticed this and brought her lips to Tara's ear.

"Let it out," she murmured soothingly, increasing the speed of her fingers.

Tara whimpered feebly and clung to her, pressing the side of her face into Pam's.

Pam was patient, but she wanted to hear Tara. She wanted her to open herself, to forget herself, to make her positively unable to stay silent. She moved inside her for a few more moments, but then pulled her fingers out and rested her hand on Tara's thigh.

"Lie on your back," she said calmly.

Tara swallowed, climbing off her and feeling Pam push her down gently. Pam settled in between her legs and swiftly pulled off her underwear. Tara brought her legs up, resting her feet on the bed with slightly bent knees. Her heart was racing again and her legs were already trembling slightly. She felt Pam pull her forward by the hips and then grab under her knees, lifting her for a moment to place a pillow under her hips. Tara grabbed small fistfuls of sheets in each hand and shut her eyes when she felt Pam parting her legs.

Pam moved up and nuzzled her cheek into Tara's.

"Tell me if I'm hurting you, okay?" she asked gently before she began, and Tara nodded as she clenched her jaw.

Pam placed a sweet kiss on Tara's swollen lips before moving away. She stood by the bed and knelt one leg into the mattress. There was no need for extra lubrication, so she slowly inserted her middle and ring fingers inside Tara while her pointer and pinky fingers pointed downward, resting by the insides of her thighs. Pam waited a moment, gauging Tara's reaction.

She curled her fingers in and towards herself, finding the spongy tissue. She felt around for another moment and waited for Tara to relax. She rested her other hand lightly on Tara's pelvis, and leaned down, kissing the inside of her knee. Then, without warning, she began to thrust her fingers up, very hard and very fast. It shook Tara's entire body and caused a smacking, suction-like sound to fill the air. Tara cried out loudly, pulling at the sheets with a death-grip.

After a while Pam slowed down, bringing her free hand to her lips. She licked her fingers and brought them back down to play with Tara's clit. Pam was completely calm and confident as she touched Tara, whose eyes were now dizzy and out of focus.

Pam suddenly sped up her motions again, and half a minute later a spurt of rose water squirted out from Tara's legs as she writhed uncontrollably on the bed, her moans filling the room. Pam moved to hold her shaking knees as she watched her carefully. Tara continued to jerk and spasm as more warm liquid haphazardly exited her body. This had never happened to her before and it felt terrifyingly good. Pam eventually re-entered her and leaned down, capturing her lips in a fervid kiss. She moved her fingers teasingly slow now as she nibbled on Tara's lower lip. Moments later, she removed her hand and placed her palms on Tara's hips, stroking her hipbones with her thumbs.

Tara was calmer now, although she still felt her body quake a little here and there. She pulled Pam in close so that she was hovering over her. Pam smoothed her hands up and down her toned thighs as Tara reached for them. They intertwined their fingers and Pam pressed their foreheads lightly together. Their noses brushed as their eyes met. Tara reached up and tucked stray strands of hair behind Pam's ear and blinked slowly. Pam nuzzled their noses again before moving to the side and lying beside Tara. She nestled herself against Tara's back and pulled the sheets up over them. She wrapped an arm over her, resting her hand on Tara's chest. Tara could feel Pam's heart beating through her back.

She was in heaven. But as she stared at the wall, a devastating thought entered her consciousness. It was a reminder of something she had successfully managed to push away for a while but that very much needed to be said now.

Tara placed her arm over Pam's and took in a deep breath. She reluctantly began to speak.

"I didn't tell you before but…" Tara said tentatively, her voice low and breathy.

"I can't stay…" she murmured, staring vacantly out ahead. "I still have to leave."

Pam swallowed.

"I know," she answered softly, holding Tara a little tighter. "I know."


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N**__ Happy New Year everyone! This isn't my favorite chapter, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. You know I'd love to hear your comments. xoxo_

* * *

They lay there in silence as the sun began to set. They kept each other warm and their breathing had unconsciously become in sync. They were both so grateful to be in each other's arms, but the knowledge that this was all so impermanent couldn't be ignored. Pam stroked Tara's hand with her thumb while she gazed down at the bed.

"Do you need to leave right away?" she asked tentatively. "When is your rent due?"

Tara blinked and stared at the wall. "Um… Reverend Da- that man who… he sent me a check four weeks ago. So my place is paid until the end of the week. And I found a subletter, I just have to confirm with them," she answered softly.

Pam felt a whisper of relief and held her a little tighter. At least Tara didn't have to leave this very moment.

"Are you okay until then?" Pam inquired.

"Yeah," Tara breathed. "I'll just keep everything packed and take a few things out."

They continued to lie there without speaking. Pam eventually broke away, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. There was a slight chill in the air so she pulled the sheets up to her chest as new ideas and concerns flurried around in her mind. She wrung her hands and bit her lip in rumination.

"Have you done well in all your courses this semester?" she queried.

Tara's brow wrinkled, unsure of why this was relevant any more.

"Yeah," she replied. "Why?"

Pam twisted her lips as she hesitated, tapping the mattress lightly with her middle finger. She knew she was being presumptuous, not to mention selfish, but she just didn't feel ready to let Tara go so soon.

"It… it just seems a shame for you to not even be able to finish the semester. You'll be losing all those credits…" she murmured.

"Well I can't do anything about it, so why dwell on it?" Tara retorted quietly.

"Right…" Pam said automatically. She sat up a bit straighter and continued pondering.

"It's just… there's only, what? Six more weeks left until exams? That's nothing."

"It is something," Tara answered, her voice low and subdued. "I can't afford to stay here even that long. And I have no time for a job, which isn't exactly easy to come by right now anyway."

Pam swallowed. Her voice rose in pitch and accidentally cracked as she began to speak.

"Well… maybe I'll pay for your rent… Just until the end of the school year…"

Pam was astonished that she was able to get the words out.

Tara pushed herself up to sitting and stared at her. "What?"

"It's nothing," Pam assured her. "You need to finish the semester here. Then when you're home, maybe you can do your final year at a local community college. You can even take some courses online; people are doing that more often now. Maybe you've already accumulated enough credits that you only need to do one more semester to be eligible for your degree? Tara, I'm telling you, finishing this year will make everything so much easier for you."

"You are not paying for my apartment," Tara declared.

"Well then you can stay in the guest room at my place," Pam suggested impulsively, shrugging her shoulders. She hoped she didn't sound like a desperate fool, because despite also having other intentions, she did genuinely think it was important for Tara to finish her courses.

Tara's eyes widened. "What? Are you crazy?"

"No," Pam countered. "What other options do you have? Either way you know that you need my help in some way, and I'm telling you that I'm happy to give it."

Tara now spoke with a boldness that was atypical for her, perhaps because she was so thrown by Pam's suggestions.

"If I stay in school, then you will still be _my teacher_," Tara reminded her. "How can you possibly think it's okay to be _paying_ for me, or for me to be _living_ with you? I don't know what the specific rules are here but I definitely know that that is not okay. That is far, far from okay..."

Pam pressed her lips together. She had hoped Tara would at least consider it, but this clearly didn't seem to be the case. She couldn't hide her disappointment as she stared vacuously at the wall.

As Tara watched her, she realized that Pam's wishes were also rooted in the fact that she didn't want to say goodbye to her. She may have already known this, but recognizing that Pam was trying in any way possible to convince her to stay warmed her to her very core.

"But I… I haven't been to any of my classes in over two weeks…" Tara murmured, still listing off conflicts but now also hoping to find ways around them.

"I'll help you catch up with your English courses," Pam replied. "And I can write a note for your other professors. I'll speak to the dean if I have to."

"Aren't you worried about losing your job?" Tara asked under her breath.

Pam thought about this, earnestly. And she was surprised to realize that, despite the sting of being let go, she didn't really care about potentially leaving the school. Even though she would do everything in her power to be careful and to avoid this.

"Do you even like your job?" Tara inquired.

Pam turned her head and locked eyes with her, her expression serious and entirely sincere.

"I love teaching," she avowed. "I absolutely do."

She looked down at her lap and began to gently push back her cuticles with her thumb.

"But you don't like it here?" Tara asked warily.

Pam swallowed, realizing that this was a complex question.

"It can be difficult at times. But that's part of the job," she justified, raising her brow.

Pam sighed before she elaborated. "I don't want to do what's_ easy_ simply for selfish reasons. Because before… well before I was here, I was at Pomona College… in California? And I really did love it there. The students were so eager and so bright. The whole university just seemed to fit with what I wanted. But I was so isolated from everyone I knew. My family in particular grew deeply unhappy because I hardly ever saw them. So I came back here and…. Anyway, what I'm saying is… yes, I have my challenges here but there are numerous different factors at play and I have to consider all of them."

"You're only staying because of your family?" Tara queried.

"No… I've also just been tenured, Tara," Pam argued. "It wouldn't be right of me to leave now. And I never said I _wanted_ to leave. We were talking about you, remember?"

"You have a right to be happy," Tara told her plainly. She paused for a moment in reflection. "You have to seek your own happiness; you can't sit around and wait for what you want because that day will never come." Tara recited it as if she had had it memorized for years.

Pam chuckled. "Aren't we wise all of a sudden?" she teased, reaching over to lightly pinch her chin.

Tara shrugged and smiled shyly. "My friend's gran used to tell me that. She always made sure I remembered it, even when I was little. She was the one that made me apply to college when I didn't think it would be possible."

Tara suddenly grew nostalgic. The woman had passed away not too long ago, and this had been very difficult for her because she had so often acted like the mother she desperately needed but lacked.

Tara looked lost in thought, a trace of sadness in her eyes. Pam reached over and clasped her hand, squeezing it lovingly. Tara blinked and turned her head, gazing into her gleaming, stunningly blue eyes. She felt herself immediately grow weak. When Pam looked at her, it was always with such openness, with such admiration, and with such affection. It was consuming and utterly spellbinding.

Tara folded her legs from under the sheets so that she sat cross-legged, and she placed her hands in her lap.

"Okay," she declared softly.

"Okay?" Pam repeated, puzzled.

Tara sucked in a breath. "Okay… I will stay with you until the semester ends."

She knew there were so many things wrong with this, more than she could count. But the idea of Pam spending her money for her made her ten times more uncomfortable. And the idea of leaving in just a few days was absolutely unacceptable; it was unbearable.

Pam's eyes lit up. "Really?!"

Tara's lips curled into a smile. "Yeah. You're right. It would be a huge waste for me to leave now," she said softly.

Pam couldn't hide her grin. "Okay- great. Wow, great!"

She didn't know what else to say. She was beaming. And she was glad to have a reason to stop discussing and dwelling on her own life, to just be content with focusing on Tara and the next few weeks with her.

And she would cherish them. Whole-heartedly.

XXX

Pam helped Tara move all her things from the apartment to her home. It took a few trips, and when they were done Pam laughed at the sight. It was like déjà vu, seeing so many boxes strewn over her floors again.

The guest room was on the second floor, two doors down from Pam's bedroom. Pam showed her around, and the whole thing was rather awkward at first. They knew they had to be careful, and that this was far from being ethically sound. Still, with time the situation would become familiar, and eventually, nothing short of wonderful.

XXX

The day after moving in, Tara biked to campus for class. It was the first time she was back in L-335 in weeks. The class was on _Vanity Fair_ by William Thackeray, and while Pam warned her that she would be behind, Tara told her she had already read the novel before. It had been a couple years, but most everything came back to her as she sat and observed for the first half of class.

Pam knew that she had to watch how she interacted with Tara now. She didn't have a problem with grading Tara's work, because it was so strong on its own that she needed no bias to score it highly. And Pam was smart in ensuring she stayed almost completely out of class discussions by making one distinct change in the class. She told her students that from now on the discussion format of the class would be that of a "Socratic Seminar." The students were to sit in a large circle, there was no longer need to raise hands, and most importantly, they would lead the discussions themselves as Pam acted as a silent observer. Thankfully, students had been speaking much more frequently now because she had put their mid-semester grades online a few weeks ago. They realized that they needed to step it up if they didn't want their grades to continue suffering.

Tara eventually began to contribute in class. It was a bit odd at first, because all the students had noticed that she had been missing for a while. But she continued to make thoughtful, intuitive points, and all Pam had to do was make sure she wasn't staring at her the entire time. Still, every time she looked at her it was hard not to smile. She was so happy that Tara was here.

Yet every time this joy swept through her, she was also reminded that this was all going to come to an end. It was an icy dread that dominated every other thought and emotion and she absolutely hated it. She knew the weeks would fly by, that this would all be over so soon. She tried not to dwell on this, to enjoy the time they had for now, but it was far from easy.

XXX

Pam spoke to one of Tara's professors and got her an extension on her Toni Morrison paper. Tara now wrote it on _Tar Baby _and apologized for ruining her other book. Pam quickly brushed it off as the guilt of throwing her in the rain resurfaced the moment Tara explained what happened.

After classes, they would sit on the couch in the living room, busy with their respective tasks. Pam would be grading papers while Tara read and tried to catch up on her work. It was nice, how they both did their own thing, but they did it together. Just being in each other's presence was a comfort. Tara would occasionally pause from her reading, lifting her head to ask a question that often led to lengthy, immensely helpful discussions. And Pam was more than happy to help. She liked seeing the material Tara was learning in her different classes, and when she couldn't offer much assistance with classes from her other majors, she would just sit and listen. Tara found that even thinking out loud aided her comprehension greatly, so after she finished a chapter in her textbook she would close the book and give her a summary. Pam occasionally asked questions out of her own curiosity, but this also ensured Tara fully grasped the content.

Everything was platonic at first. They didn't touch much, nor did they acknowledge the fact that they had slept together. And for a while, it was wonderful just being able to spend so much time together.

But they still missed each other. It was especially difficult when they finished their work and spent their time simply relaxing together. They would watch movies on the couch, Tara lying there with her head in Pam's lap. Pam would stroke her hair, occasionally haunted by the fact that in just a few weeks she was going to be alone again. It was so perfect, the time they spent together here. Why did it have to be so fleeting?

They continued to be cautious when they were in public, but at home, they ended up giving in to some of their unspoken rules.

One night they were watching _Wuthering Heights_, a film Tara asked to see because they had just finished reading the novel in class. The lights were dim and Tara was lying down with her head in Pam's lap again. When the movie ended, Pam pointed the remote at the TV to turn it off and then looked down at Tara. Her eyes were closed and Pam softly ran her thumb over the arches of her eyebrows. As Tara felt this, she opened her eyes to peer at her.

Pam smoothed away some baby hairs from her forehead and rested her warm palm against her cheek. Tara tried not to close her eyes again. She was exhausted; these past few weeks had been stressful and demanding for her. And lying like this easily put her to sleep. The way Pam touched her so delicately, the way she smelled, her calming demeanor and presence, they all had a lulling effect on her.

Tara reached up and touched Pam's cheek. Pam smiled lovingly at her. Tara waited a moment, and then pulled her in gently by the nape of her neck until their faces were an inch apart. She pulled her in a little more and kissed her softly.

Pam's eyes slipped shut and she sighed, her lips parting automatically. Tara slipped her tongue inside Pam's mouth and gripped her harder. They were like this for a while, but eventually with a little help, Tara sat up and she straddled Pam. Hands began to roam as their kisses grew deeper. Pam felt her back molding deeper into the cushions as Tara pressed more of her weight into her. Pam slipped her hands under her shirt, lightly scratching the sides of her body before running her hands up her back.

Tara's heart was racing and she already felt a heavy pulse between her legs. She wanted Pam so badly. She lowered her head and began sucking fervently on her neck. Her hips automatically began to grind into Pam, who trailed her hands up to lightly squeeze her breasts. Tara's breath hitched when she felt Pam slip her hands inside her bra, touching her tenderly. Pam couldn't deny her own growing arousal and she could feel Tara's thighs squeezing against her. She moved her hands up and stroked her neck lightly with the pads of her fingers, sending shivers up Tara's spine.

Tara began to unbutton Pam's shirt, and she opened it enough that she could bend forward and kiss her exposed skin. She buried her face between her breasts and gripped her hips firmly.

Pam was beginning to pant, and she held the back of Tara's head as she looked up at the ceiling. She knew she had to stop it soon, that this was one line they both knew they couldn't cross right now.

"Tara," Pam breathed, resting her hands on her shoulders as Tara continued to kiss and nuzzle into her.

"Hey," she pressed. She took Tara's face between her hands and pulled her head up gently.

Tara gazed at her with an open mouth as her chest heaved.

"We should go to sleep," Pam murmured. "It's late."

Tara did not look okay with this. She closed her mouth, clenching her jaw as she cast her eyes to the side.

"Come on," Pam murmured, gently pushing her to the side so she could stand.

"Tara," she urged. "Come on."

Pam reached for her hand and pulled her up. They gradually went up the stairs and Pam opened the door to the guest room. Tara reluctantly followed and lay down on her bed. Pam bent down and kissed her forehead, but just as she began to move away, she felt Tara grasp her arm. Tara pulled her down, forcing her to kneel on the bed.

Tara yanked her again and Pam laughed. She crawled onto the bed and lay down beside her. Tara pulled her closer and held her almost possessively. Pam closed her eyes and exhaled. She knew there was absolutely no logic behind the things they were allowing themselves to do and the things that they weren't. But Pam slept with Tara that night, side by side in blissful peace.

XXX

They were like this for the few remaining weeks they had together. In class, they were professional. But at home, they were in their own world. They kissed, they played, they talked for hours. In the evening Tara would sit on the counter watching her cook. Pam would bring little morsels to her mouth to try. They would laugh and tease each other. They would eat, at times in comfortable silence. Whether they knew it or not, they were falling in love.

But soon the semester was coming to a close. It was exams week, and after many days of intense studying, Tara completed them all. She had done well, and now that the stress from them had passed, her worries moved elsewhere.

It was time to go.

Pam insisted that she drive Tara back to Louisiana. Her car wasn't large enough to fit all of her things, though, so she rented a van for the trip. The day that they were set to leave, Tara waited on the couch for Pam to arrive. She saw a white van pull up along the side of the road. Pam parked and walked inside, finding Tara sitting there quietly.

She took a few steps towards her and stopped, tilting her head as she gazed at her. She waited patiently as Tara stared down at her lap.

"Are you ready?" she asked softly, glancing around at all her packed things that stood by the door.

Tara looked up at her and swallowed.

"Yeah," she lied.


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N** This is a very lengthy chapter so I hope that's good. By the way, I've never been to South Carolina so a lot of this is from my imagination. But I did know a girl who went to school there and she seemed to change a lot after I spoke with her, so I used that as some inspiration. And um, I was also inspired by a certain moment in a certain show at a certain point in this chapter. So when you see a ** as you read, if you want to scroll all the way down, you will see what to google to find the image I used. It'll make more sense when you get to it. Don't do it just yet. And I worked very hard on this chapter so your comments are always much appreciated! xoxo_

_Trigger warning for self-harm._

* * *

They finished packing the van and Pam got inside the driver's side. Tara was still planted by the side of the road, holding steady. She just needed another moment. This wasn't her home or her neighborhood, but she was still saying goodbye. To her school. To South Carolina. She didn't think she would feel anything, that leaving would spark any sentimentality in her. But it did. Just a trace of it.

She looked around. She took in the perfect suburban lawns, the shiny SUVs littering the concrete driveways, the perfect azure sky graced with puffy clouds. Compared to Louisiana, this had been a sanctuary. She finally had some quiet here, some peace here, some freedom. She would pick this over back home any day.

She drew in a deep breath and walked to the van, climbing inside and shutting the door. She briefly glanced at Pam, who was quiet but nodded once, trying to smile. She wanted to be as supportive and unemotional as she could. She refused to show Tara how completely devastated she was on the inside, so she put on a façade. Anything to make this transition- this farewell - easier for Tara, she would try her best to do.

They pulled on their seat belts and Pam turned on the engine. She put the car in drive and moved forward. It was a larger vehicle than she was used to, but it was still an automatic, which made it easier. The whole ride felt heavier though, weighed down by all of Tara's things.

Tara tilted her head against the window, gazing outside as they rolled down the road, gradually picking up speed. It was quiet for a while, and Pam had a feeling that they were going to be plagued with silence for the entire 12 hour drive if she didn't initiate the conversation.

"Do you have enough snacks?" she asked.

Tara nodded.

"Okay," Pam replied. "That should keep us going for a while. And then we'll get some dinner when we stop for the night in Alabama."

Tara continued to stare out the window, occasionally seeing children playing in their yards and neighbors walking along the sidewalk. Pam chewed on her lip, trying to think of something else to say while remembering to keep the conversation light.

"I really enjoyed your essay on Dickens in your final exam," she commented.

Tara stayed quiet.

"I liked how you went on to describe his criticisms of poverty and the social stratification of Victorian society," Pam remarked enthusiastically, hoping to at least get a hint of a smile out of her.

Nothing.

Pam sighed. She was about to give up, but she was then reminded of something that she actually needed to say, and she might as well bring it up now.

"Oh, um… when we get there…" she began. "Um… Is it all right if I don't go inside with you? I am just afraid your mother will be there and I don't want…" Pam trailed off.

Tara lifted her head, looking straight ahead now.

"Yeah," she breathed. "That's fine."

"Okay," Pam said faintly, sucking in her lips. "Thanks."

When they stopped at a red light, Pam turned her head to peer at her. She reached over and squeezed her hand.

"Hey," she whispered gently.

Tara swallowed and eventually turned to meet her gaze.

"I've had such a nice time with you here," she said softly.

She said it with a faint smile, but all her eyes could convey were heartbreak.

"The best," she added.

Tara couldn't look at her anymore. She leaned her head against the window again and cast her eyes cast down at the floor.

Pam gave her hand another squeeze and pulled away.

"Is it terrible that I'm happy classes are done for the year?" she joked, attempting to lighten the mood.

Tara tried to smile, but all she managed to do was purse her lips slightly.

Pam decided to give it a rest for a while. For the next two hours they drove along the freeway in silence. All that was audible now was the skittering gravel beneath the van's tires and the steady humming of the engine.

XXX

Tara had taken a small nap, and when she awoke she found herself inexplicably feeling just a little bit better. Pam saw her stir in her peripheral and she turned her head and smiled.

"Hey there, sleepyhead," she teased.

"Hey," Tara answered. She looked outside, searching for a road sign.

"Where are we?" she asked.

"Almost in Tuscaloosa, Alabama," Pam smiled. "I bought you an orange juice from the gas station, if you'd like."

"Thanks," Tara murmured.

Pam was grateful that Tara was up, because she had been going silently insane for the past hour and a half by herself. She had started agonizing out of a panic and a desperation. She wondered if she should go to the financial aid office at school and explain Tara's situation, seeing if they could offer her anything more. She briefly considered asking Tara to live with her for her final year, even though Pam knew she would never agree to this. As much as Tara loved spending time with her, their living arrangement made her feel increasingly uncomfortable with each passing day due to how little she was giving and how much she was taking. A whole year more of that was something Tara just couldn't handle. And Pam knew it would be better for Tara to save up some money and return to school when she could devote all of her time and energy on it. She didn't want her to resume what she did her freshman year, working so much that she was exhausted and could only take classes part time.

Pam knew that she just had to let her go, that she had to stop fighting this all. Because she did want Tara to be independent and to find her own path. But she was terrified that giving her up now would mean saying goodbye forever.

Tara opened her juice and took a small sip. She leaned back into the headrest as she stared ahead past the dashboard.

"You know I haven't been to Louisiana in over 20 years?" Pam began.

"Yeah?" Tara replied.

Pam nodded. "Used to have cousins in Lake Charles. So we occasionally drove over to visit them. I always wished we could fly there because the drive is so long and tedious, but my dad said it was good for "family bonding." So I didn't end up going in my first airplane until I was 22," she laughed.

"I still haven't been in one," Tara said softly.

Pam looked at her with surprise. But she then realized that this made perfect sense, growing up where and how she did. She opened her mouth, ready to playfully suggest that this meant they just _had to _take a trip somewhere to immediately rectify this.

But she stopped herself. She realized this would sound more bittersweet than promising if she uttered it.

"Well, I'm sure you will soon. Not that it's this life-changing event or anything like that. But I finally got the chance to when…"

Pam stopped herself again. She really wasn't thinking, because she had absolutely no desire to bring that up either.

"When?" Tara queried, waiting for her to finish.

Pam cleared her throat and reluctantly answered.

"Um… on my honeymoon, we… flew to France…" she murmured.

"Oh," Tara responded.

Pam cursed herself for having to mention something like that. She gripped the steering wheel harder while she focused her eyes straight ahead at the road.

"It seems like you really don't like to talk about him," Tara said quietly. "This is only the second time you've ever mentioned your marriage to me."

Pam swallowed, a little thrown by Tara's observation.

"It's just… it was just a rough time in my life. I look back and I feel foolish."

"Why?" Tara asked.

Pam clenched her jaw. Apparently she was going to have to go there.

"I was just… I was so young, so impulsive. And my family, they… I don't know."

"What about your family?" Tara pressed.

Pam sighed. "Well… they remind me a little of your mother…" she observed, subtly tilting her head.

Tara's brow furrowed, unsure of what exactly she was referring to.

"I just mean that they are very religious," Pam explained. "The people in South Carolina, especially where I grew up, they… they have extremely conservative values. I mean half the girls in my classes today are already thinking about getting married and having children, and they've barely entered their 20s. It's like we're brainwashed from conception. I'm not saying I felt the same way when I was their age, but I was just so swept up in this idea of spontaneous romance that when he asked me, I said yes.

"And my family was thrilled. But we didn't think it through properly. Because I was off to grad school right after the honeymoon, and he stayed put. And I knew he wasn't faithful. It's not even like that broke my heart. But it broke my family's. They were furious with me. They placed all the blame on me. Their values are so antiquated but divorce was still a stigma in our community. And I just didn't want to be around it anymore. So after I got my masters, I left. I was lucky and got the job at Pomona right out of school. So I just packed my things and got out."

Pam paused and bit her lip.

"I'm sorry, I don't even remember what your question was…"

"You were just talking about your family," Tara replied.

"Oh… right," Pam murmured, shaking her head. "So… I stayed in California for a few years. And it was really nice nice," she concluded softly, shrugging.

"Then why did you leave?" Tara inquired. They had briefly touched on this before, but Pam had been rather vague about it.

Pam didn't answer right away. She was trying to choose her words carefully, because it didn't feel right to tell Tara the whole truth right now.

"I… I don't know," she started. "I think there was some guilt that developed over the years."

"Because you moved so far away from home?" Tara asked.

Pam tongued the inside of her cheek. "Yes, that. And um… well I also started dating women there and…"

She didn't know why it was so hard to talk about this. It's not as if Tara was going to be judging her. But she still struggled to continue.

"So I soon felt that I was, you know, keeping some huge from them; there was some guilt about that. Still, I knew there was no way I could ever tell them or disaster would ensue. But they've always been disappointed in me, so I told myself that at least moving back home would be something, that just being close to them again would mean something to them. So I did."

Pam hoped the subject would be dropped now. She was omitting a very important piece of information, but with good reason.

"Where do you see yourself living eventually?" she asked, trying to steer the conversation somewhere new.

Tara pondered for a moment. "I don't know," she replied quietly. "Maybe on one of the coasts."

Pam nodded. "I think that would be a nice change for you."

But Pam instantly regretted saying it, because an image immediately surfaced of Tara living some new, fabulous life hundreds of miles away, without her.

"Do you want me to turn the radio on?" she suggested, suddenly needing a distraction.

"Whatever you want," Tara responded softly.

_I want you_, Pam thought automatically, and she felt a swirl of emotion suddenly inundate her.

_I want you to fucking come back with me. I want to turn this goddamn van around and drive back right now. I want to strangle that selfish, alcoholic, abusive mother of yours. I want to make love to you all night every night until we're so damn exhausted that even lifting a pinky is an impossible burden. That's what I fucking want_.

"Okay," Pam said faintly, and she turned it on. She searched through the stations, irritated at all the country music. But she eventually found a classical station and she just kept the volume low.

They were quiet again for a while. But this time it was Tara who tried to initiate the conversation, noticing that something now seemed to be bothering Pam.

So they talked, mainly about light, mundane things at first: the weather, pop culture, literature. Pam eventually came around and relaxed, remembering that she was supposed to be putting Tara at ease, that she was supposed to be focusing on Tara instead of herself. She reminded herself that simply being in Tara's presence and hearing her talk was what she loved the most.

XXX

They eventually stopped in some en route town in Alabama, having come a little more than halfway for the day. They had left in the late morning, so it was now almost twilight as they parked and walked into the lobby of a local motel. Pam checked them in and they dropped their things off in their room before walking around outside in search of a place to eat.

The sun was down, but there was still a grey, muted light lingering through the clouds. They took their time as they walked around the small town, listening to the faded whizzing of cars that came from the adjacent highway.

This was the first time they were in public together, where no one knew who they were and where they were no longer professor and student. Whether Tara consciously thought about this or not, as they walked she reached over and without a word slipped her hand inside Pam's.

It was such a simple thing. But it made Pam's heart swell so much it felt like it was going to burst. She almost started crying, but she got a hold of herself. Her lips curled into an adorable smile and they continued to walk down the sidewalk hand in hand.

They found that there was only an Applebee's, a McDonald's, a Wendy's, and some shady-looking diner. They picked the least bad of the bunch and went to Applebee's.

They sat in a booth in a corner that was somewhat isolated from the rest of the restaurant. And as they sat sharing a meal together, for just for a couple hours they forgot that this was goodbye.

It felt like a date. Their first real date, as a matter of fact.

And it was absolutely perfect.

XXX

The moment they walked inside their motel room though, they grew quiet. Something in the air had changed. They were suddenly reminded that this was their last night together. The thought proved to be inescapable, no matter what they talked about, what they did, or where they went.

The room wasn't large, but there was queen-sized bed in the middle and a cabinet holding a TV across from it. The duvet was a tacky pattern of brown, yellow, and green and there was a small bathroom at the side of the room.

It was late but not late enough to go to sleep. They didn't know what to do, so they eventually sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard as they watched TV. They watched the news for half an hour, and then some brainless sitcom came on when it ended. Pam wasn't really paying attention though, and Tara kept switching her gaze back and forth from the screen to the off-colored wall beside it.

When the program ended, Pam clicked the power button on the remote to turn it off. They sat there for a while in silence. Eventually, Tara got up. She couldn't bear this anymore. She figured the sooner she went to sleep, the sooner it would be tomorrow and this agony would all be over. She slid off the bed and reached down towards her bag. She unzipped it and pulled out a large t-shirt and a toiletries bag.

"I'm gonna go put my pajamas on," she mumbled.

"Okay," Pam replied. "I'll get ready soon as well."

Tara nodded. She stood up and walked to the bathroom. Pam sat on the bed, waiting. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. What she was supposed to feel. So she just did what Tara did, picking up her things and getting ready for bed ten minutes later. She brushed her teeth, washed her face, and changed into a pair of pink satin pajamas.

She stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Her mind felt blank. She was tired from the drive, but knew she wouldn't be able to fall asleep right now. She had a book with her but she didn't have the focus. When she was finished, she walked out and expected to see Tara curled up under the covers with her eyes closed. But she wasn't. She sat on the edge of the bed, her feet barely reaching the floor. Her hands were in her lap and she stared at the field drab carpet. She was taking in slow, deep inhales that made her chest to rise and fall with each breath.

Pam paused by the door as she took her in. She eventually walked towards her, stopping right in front of her and gazing down at her.

She kneeled so that her face was directly in front of Tara's. She brought her hand to Tara's cheek, tracing the curves of her face with her fingers. Neither of them spoke for a moment. The pads of Pam's fingers moved down Tara's cheekbones and across her sturdy jaw.

"You are so beautiful," she whispered.

Tara didn't respond. She kept her eyes on the floor and stayed silent.

"What, you don't believe me?" Pam inquired as her eyebrows lifted.

Tara didn't care in the slightest what she thought about herself right now. Her mind was elsewhere.

Pam brought her hand under Tara's chin and slowly lifted her head as her piercing blue eyes bore into her.

"You take my breath away."

And she meant every word of it, from the very bottom of her heart.

Tara couldn't deal with this anymore. She was ready to get up and leave right then and there, to drive through the night back to Louisiana to get this over with. She couldn't bear it anymore.

Instead, she closed her eyes as she felt Pam continue to follow the lines of her face with her fingers, studying them admiringly. And when she felt Pam's soft, pink lips brush against hers, she melted.

Pam reached for Tara's hands, intertwining their fingers and tracing her thumbs in circles against her palms. Both their lips eventually parted and their tongues found each other. Their kisses were languid and unhurried at first, heads gradually tilting and tongues moving slowly. But the knowledge that they no longer had to stop themselves prematurely after weeks of holding back sent shivers of desire through the both of them.

Pam cradled Tara's face with her hands, guiding her movements and deepening the kiss further by pulling her even closer against her lips.

_This is the last time_, Pam's mind told her.

As much as she didn't want to believe this, as much as part of her believed that they would somehow find their way back to each other, the thought propelled an urgency in Pam. She wanted to cherish every single touch and moment.

Her knees were digging painfully into the floor, so she stood up and pulled Tara up with her. Her movements were growing more desperate and hastened. She broke away and moved to Tara's neck, kissing and sucking and breathing hot air against her skin as she tugged her boxers down. She immediately followed by pulling Tara's t-shirt off, tossing it onto the bed while she began to kiss her way down her body.

She seemed almost frantic now. Her hands roamed everywhere, gripping and cupping and then smoothing over Tara's dark, silky skin. She needed to remember this. All of this. She was memorizing everything: every inch, every touch, every scent, every sound.

Pam's hands and lips were everywhere and her touches felt so good that Tara could feel her arousal pooling between her thighs, making her ache with need. It was already difficult to stand, and she was so overloaded by what Pam was doing to her that all she could do was feebly rest her hands on her shoulders. She inhaled deeply and pressed her trembling lips together.

Pam kissed her way down Tara's stomach while she massaged her inner thighs firmly. She pushed her legs open and trailed her hands down to the back of her knees, stroking them lightly. She brought her face down to her ankle, dragging her nose and cheek up the inside of her leg, reveling in the feel of Tara's skin against her cheek. Her eyes slipped shut and she inhaled deeply, still desperately trying to retain every detail of Tara. She opened her eyes and found herself right below the apex of her thighs. She brought her hands to Tara's hips, massaging her thumbs into the sides of her pelvis, feeling Tara flinch for a moment as she hit a ticklish spot just above her right hip.

Pam kissed Tara's tummy before reaching up and sliding her fingers though Tara's slick heat for just an instant. Tara's knees almost buckled. She was panting now and gripped Pam's shoulders harder as she dared to look down and watch her.

As soon as she did, she saw Pam descend upon her, tongue first. Tara's eyes squeezed shut and a whimper exited her lips. Pam flicked her tongue, fast and then slow, pulling away an instant later. She then leaned back in, sucking and teasing the flesh as she ran her hands up and down the planes of her stomach. She circled the tip of her tongue, then moved her face from side to side rapidly, holding Tara's hips tightly as she felt her legs trembling. Tara's face was flushed and her breathing became labored. Every movement of Pam's tongue and lips made her abs tense uncontrollably and her brow furrow tighter.

Pam pushed her back and Tara stumbled, feeling the back of her knees hit the bed. Pam pushed her again and Tara fell back on the bed. Pam sat up higher on her knees and continued to devour her, grabbing her hips and pulling her closer against her mouth.

Pam's tongue stroked up and down the length of her, tasting her, consuming her, feeling every quiver and vibration of her body against her own hands and lips. Pam's tongue suddenly plunged deep into her and Tara let out a choked moan. Pam curled her tongue and pushed it further inside, causing Tara's breath to hitch. Tara was panting and trying so hard to keep her body still. She brought her legs up and dug her heels into the bed, but they kept slipping. She hugged her own shoulders, the insides of her forearms covering her breasts as her hips bucked erratically.

Pam withdrew her tongue, returning to suckling and flicking her clit as Tara continued to spasm. Pam brought her hand under her chin and easily pushed two fingers inside; Tara's mouth fell open as she moaned and Pam quickly created rhythm with her lips, tongue, and fingers. When she added a third digit and curled all three, Tara cried out. Pam gave a few more forceful thrusts and Tara whimpered, breathing roughly through her nose as she found release. She felt an intense white heat surge through her as her muscles tightened and contracted. She reached down and raked her hands in Pam's hair, squeezing her scalp as she frantically grinded her hips into her mouth. As the ripples of pleasure eventually began to recede, she tried to pull Pam's face away. But Pam grabbed her wrists and pinned them down to the sides of the bed. She moved her face away from Tara's pulsing bundle of nerves, momentarily teasing her opening with her tongue. But she soon resumed her earlier movements, moving her mouth higher and causing Tara's back to arch in a jerk. Pam didn't stop and half a minute later Tara was coming again, even harder than the first time. Her moans became strained and high-pitched as she writhed on the bed. Pam moved her mouth away, grazing her teeth over Tara's inner thighs as she lightly dragged her nails over her calves.

Tara's heart rate began to return to normal and she felt Pam crawling onto the bed to hover over her in between her legs. She leaned down and kissed the hollow of her throat, her lips becoming damp with Tara's sweat. She continued to place gentle kisses across her collarbone and chest, and as she did she moved her hand between Tara's legs once again.

Everything was too sensitive and Tara shook her head vigorously as she tried to push her hand away. But Pam distracted her with a forceful kiss and she nudged her legs wider with the back of her wrist. She parted her pointer and middle fingers, beginning to drag them up and down the sides of her swollen clit, varying the pace at random.

Tara rammed the back of her head into the mattress as she groaned. Her face started to ache from how tense her brow and cheeks were and her legs were full on wobbling now. Pam pushed herself up slightly, giving herself a better view of Tara's face. She watched her vigilantly and she switched her movements, now using three fingers to rub her in swift circles. She increased the speed of her movements and Tara's arms latched around Pam's upper back, squeezing her with every ounce of strength she had. Pam began to stroke her from side to side at an almost impossible speed and Tara moaned so loudly it sounded like a scream.

Pam didn't stop until Tara was coming for a third time. She moved her hand up and down the length of her slowly now, and she placed her drenched fingers on Tara's hip. She waited for her to catch her breath, then leaned down and kissed her softly. She stayed there for a few more minutes, but eventually moved off of her, sliding across the bed to stand up. She was about to head to the bathroom to clean up and go to bed, but she felt Tara grab her arm just as she began to walk away.

Pam turned to her face her as she felt this. She didn't look surprised, or angry, or anything at all. Her eyes almost appeared grey and dull as they stared at her emptily. She looked numb. Tara was so confused.

Pam began to walk away again, and Tara lurched at her to keep her still, once again grasping her arm.

"Where are you going?" she asked with wide eyes.

Pam tugged her arm towards her chest, breaking free from Tara's hold. She resumed her walk and Tara climbed off the bed, reaching hastily for her again.

"Pam!" Tara breathed, standing up and moving towards her.

She caught her by the waist and held her firmly. Pam would not look at her. But she stayed where she was.

She couldn't do this. Letting Tara in now would just make everything more difficult. There was no point. She didn't want to be touched. She was afraid. The last thing she needed was to feel even more for her. It was cruel and masochistic and counterproductive.

They stood where they were for a while. Tara reached for Pam's hands and clasped them firmly. Pam's shoulders relaxed a little and Tara eventually began to undress her. Pam let her. She let her slide down her pants. She let her unbutton her shirt and tenderly pull it off. She let her remove all other barriers until she stood there fully naked before her. Her chest was heaving and her heart was racing. Tears were already brimming in her eyes, and when she felt Tara wrap her warm arms around her and softly kiss her neck, a tear from each eye spilled down her cheeks.

The room was dim and Tara couldn't see this. She reached for Pam's hand and guided her towards the bed. Pam didn't resist, but as she walked she slipped her eyes shut, causing two more tears to fall down her face.

Tara pulled her onto the bed and placed a kiss between her breasts. They sat on their knees, facing each other just an inch apart. Pam's eyes were still closed when she felt Tara drag her hands down her breasts, palming them as she continued to place light kisses across shoulders and her chest. Pam felt her nipples tighten and the throbbing between her legs grow exponentially. Tara leaned forward and sucked on her breasts as she lightly dragged her nails down her back.

Tara's touch was so wonderful that it was devastating. Pam cried in silence, trying to get a hold of herself. She promised herself she wouldn't be like this.

Tara pulled their bodies flush against each other, running her hands up and down her smooth, soft back. She never stopped kissing her. She moved from her jaw to beneath her ear to down her throat. She pressed her cheek into the side of Pam's neck as she held her tighter. The amount of care and affection she felt for this woman was nothing short of overwhelming. She wanted her now and forever, without hesitation.

Tara raked kisses across her chest and reached down to intertwine their fingers.

"I love you," she whispered, and Pam's face immediately crumpled.

Pam couldn't stop herself anymore. Her body began to convulse as she sobbed. It just wasn't fair. To hear that, now of all times. It was pure torture.

Pam cried hopelessly and Tara broke away, looking up at her with concern. She was patient as she waited, caressing the sides of her waist and gazing at her with wide eyes. Hot tears spilled down Pam's cheeks and her nose began to run. Her body shook almost violently as she wept. Tara watched her and knew that she had to be the strong one now.

"Stop crying," she murmured gently, stroking her hair.

"I'm sorry," Pam blubbered, and she felt Tara pull her into a loving embrace.

This is what she hadn't told Tara. This is why, despite how intellectually and professionally fulfilled she had been in California, she left. Sure, she had dated, she had been in relationships, and she had enjoyed many of them. But she always felt like deep, deep down, there was something small yet vital missing still.

So she went back home. She told herself that perhaps this missing part of her would be filled when she reconciled with her family. She soon learned this was not it. Yet part of her had always, perhaps unconsciously, hoped that maybe, just maybe there would be someone back home, someone who could fill the ever-present emptiness inside of her that she just wasn't able to find where she was. It was a hollowness that was always there no matter how much she loved herself and enjoyed her life.

But Pam never found what was missing. Until now. For the first time in her life she no longer felt like she was searching for something. It was right here in front of her. Tara was the first person where it all made complete sense. Where she experienced the simplest and most rewarding kind of happiness. She made the days a little easier. More fun. More meaningful. Pam always underestimated the idea of sharing her life with someone because she had never before found that person.

And now Tara was being ripped away from her and there was nothing she could do.

Tara didn't stop touching her. She caressed her soothingly, trying to calm her down. She let her cry. She understood.

She placed whisper kisses wherever she could reach while Pam tried to hold in her whimpers. She brought her hands to the tops of Pam's smooth thighs and she lightly dragged her nails down to her knees.

Pam nuzzled her cheek against Tara's and finally found her voice again.

"Harder," she breathed.

Tara pressed her nails a little more into her skin, but not enough to make it painful.

"_Harder, please,"_ Pam cried suddenly, and Tara increased the pressure of her fingers a little more as she scratched her pale skin.

It was still not enough. Tara was afraid to hurt her, but that's what Pam wanted. Tara didn't do it again, but her hands eventually returned to rest at the tops of Pam's thighs. And before she could realize what was happening, she felt Pam clamp her hands over her own. Pam pushed so hard that Tara's nails became claws, immediately cutting into her skin. Pam dragged both their hands down forcefully, peeling three layers of her skin away as she did.

Pam screamed and tears stung her eyes. Tara pulled her hands away, horrified. She looked down and saw exposed white flesh and a few seconds later, crimson emerging from beneath the surface.

"Are you okay?" Tara asked in a panic.

Pam exhaled and closed her eyes. Her thighs ached and she could feel blood slowly beginning to trickle down to her knees. Her cheeks were damp and she was still sniveling. But she felt better. She sucked in a breath and then pulled Tara in by the back of her neck, kissing her fiercely. Her breath was hot and her mouth was wet and she pressed her mouth hungrily against Tara's.

"Touch me," she urged breathily in between kisses. She reached for Tara's hand, flattening it against her pelvis before pushing two of her fingers swiftly into wetness and heat.

Tara was still worried about her and was caught off guard by the sudden change. But she did was she was told. She eventually began to pump her fingers inside of her on her own accord. She could already feel Pam clenching around them as she was pulled flush against her chest. Tara turned her head so that her forehead was pressing into the swells of Pam's breasts and she slipped in another finger. She flexed her wrist and curled and fluttered her fingers. Pam moaned and draped her arms around Tara's neck as she pulled her close.

Tara moved back and sat on the bed, pulling Pam with her. Her legs were almost completely extended and Pam sat in her lap with her legs bent and resting behind Tara. She brought one hand to the back of Tara's head and dug the other one behind her into the mattress for leverage. Tara fingers had never stopped moving inside her, but in this position Pam was able to grind her hips freely, meeting Tara's thrusts half way as she did so. Tara wrapped her free arm around the middle of Pam's back and gazed at her with parted lips. **

Pam's eyes were closed but she felt Tara's gaze and opened them. Their mouths were both open and they panted as their foreheads touched. No words were necessary. As much as they were dreading the following day, in this moment they were present, only focused on the other.

The heel of Tara's hand brushed Pam's clit with each movement and the curl in her fingers was hitting the exact perfect spot. Pam's face grew pinched as she rocked into her fast and she gripped the back of her head harder. Tara lightly bit her neck, sucking on patches of her skin to the point that she was breaking the capillaries. She didn't care; she marked her all around her throat and collarbone, occasionally returning to the same spot to darken the bruise.

She began to drive her fingers in as hard and far as they could go while circling her bundle of nerves with her palm. She brought Pam to the edge, who wailed into Tara's hand, clutching her desperately as her hand slipped down her sweaty back. She gasped for breath and scrunched her face, lifting her hips higher and rocking faster to ride the waves to their entirety. She eventually slowed down, her legs feeling like jelly. She collapsed onto Tara, her body overheated, damp, bruised, and lacerated.

Tara held her securely. Pam tilted her head, resting her cheek in the space between Tara's neck and shoulder. She was still breathing heavily, but she relaxed as she gave all her weight to Tara.

They stayed like this for a while. Tara eventually lifted Pam's head to look at her. Pam was completely open and exposed, but also drained… hopeless. She was utterly heartbroken and didn't know how to handle it. Tara reached up and tucked damp strands of hair behind her ear. As a couple more tears fell from Pam's eyes, Tara wiped her face dry and cupped her cheek with her palm.

Pam was breathing slowly now, and she looked at Tara in a half-lidded gaze. It was as if she had given up. She just wanted to check out. Tara was so caught up how Pam was that she had completely forgotten about herself and her own feelings. All she wanted was to ensure Pam was okay.

She wasn't. But they had to deal with it. They slept in each other's arms that night with heavy hearts and a cold dread in the pit of their stomachs.

XXX

The next day, Tara had to wake Pam up by shaking her shoulders roughly and repeatedly calling her name. Pam didn't want to move. She eventually got dressed and they left the motel. Tara insisted that she drive and Pam didn't put up any protest. They drove the remaining four and a half hours in silence. Pam slept most of the way, perhaps because she couldn't bear to do anything else.

When they arrived at her house in Bon Temps, Tara parked the van along the side of the road. Pam tried to get out, but it took her a while. By the time she stepped out of the car, Tara had already unloaded the majority of her bags and boxes. Pam stood there awkwardly as she watched her remove the rest.

Tara shut the back door of the car and wiped her brow. She peered at Pam, who in that moment looked incredibly frail and delicate. Tara could see the blue and purple marks all over her neck clearly in the daylight. Tara slowly moved towards her and waited.

They didn't know what to do. Tara leaned in and placed a soft peck on Pam's lips. Pam looked numb and lifeless. Tara had no idea what to say.

"Thank you for coming with me," she murmured.

Pam nodded reflexively.

"Are okay to drive?" she asked quietly.

Pam nodded again.

Tara stood there agonizing. Now what? Should she walk away? Say that she'll miss her? That she'll call? What the fuck was she supposed to do?

Pam didn't seem to be budging or acting at all. Tara kissed her on cheek and tried to meet her eyes, but Pam refused.

Tara no longer felt crushed and despondent. She was furious at this whole situation. But watching Pam linger so pathetically and without a single word before her made her want to take it out on her.

"Bye," she finally uttered, and she grabbed a couple bags and walked up to the house.

Pam was left there standing alone. Tara closed the front door a little too hard, never once checking to see if Pam had left. She walked into the house, soon finding several empty liquor bottles piled in the kitchen sink. She then saw a passed out Lettie Mae on the couch, her limbs in a tangled mess.

A few minutes later, Tara heard an ignition turning on outside. The van slowly rolled away down the road. She was gone.

* * *

*If you google_ shane paige l word tumblr gif_, it will be the first result on google images. It's a gif so make sure to click it. Just thought it would help the visual, even though I hopefully described it well enough on its own. Just a little dirty treat for your brains. Okay now keep reading, sorry for the distraction.


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N** So sorry for the wait. I didn't do anything today but write. I've barely eaten, haha. I love you that much! Your comments mean the world to me. xoxo_

* * *

Pam somehow managed to get all the way back to South Carolina. She was in a trance as she drove, empty and devoid of any thought or emotion. She pulled over for gas when she had to, but she barely ate. She didn't stop halfway this time, so when she finally arrived it was five in the morning. The rental place for the van was closed so she had to wait until the next day to return it.

She walked inside the house and dropped her purse, which fell to the floor in a dull thud. She briefly glanced around, already hating the suffocating silence that haunted her.

Her body was so deeply exhausted to the point that she felt wired and hyper-aware. She didn't want to do anything. She reluctantly climbed the stairs and headed for her room. But as she touched the doorknob she paused, turning her head to gaze down the hallway. She cogitated for a moment, and instead went two doors down to the guest room.

She opened the door and looked inside. The bed was perfectly made. The room was empty now, as all of Tara's things were gone. But it still made Pam feel better, just being in there. She walked towards the bed and crawled inside. She pulled the sheets and blanket over her body and nestled her face into one of the pillows. She could smell Tara everywhere, which was a devastating comfort. She inhaled deeply and pulled another pillow into her chest, hugging it tightly.

She lay on her side and stared at the wall. It had sunk in and it also hadn't yet sunk in that Tara was gone. Only with each passing day would the realization truly become a reality. Pam would have to gradually adjust to being in solitude again. And it would be nothing short of agony.

XXX

Tara eventually brought the rest of her things inside the house. She dragged them into her room and shut the door. Lettie Mae was snoring loudly and Tara did not want to be near her. She could already tell she was in bad shape, that the breakup she had been through months ago was still significantly affecting her. As much as Tara would have loved a drink to help her escape, the disgust she experienced from witnessing her mother's behavior always managed to put her off alcohol entirely.

She was still so angry. This was such bullshit. How was she back here again? How was this her fucking life again? It was like her time with Pam had been a dream. That's what it felt like looking back now. Just one glance at the house and at Lettie Mae sobered her up like a slap in the face. This was her reality now, her world.

She tried not to be angry at Pam. The resentment she harbored wasn't rational anyway. It was more of a:_ Fuck you for happening to teach the course I was required to take and for making me fall in love with you. Fuck you for being so brilliant, so beautiful, so kind-hearted, and so damn wonderful. And fuck you for leaving. Fuck you for not fighting harder._

Tara knew she wasn't being fair. She knew there was nothing to be done. She knew that Pam had become so utterly useless in their farewell because she was just as heartbroken. But that didn't make this any easier.

XXX

Pam had eventually managed to fall asleep. She slept in the same spot Tara always did, holding her pillow close and imagining her arms were around Tara instead.

When she woke up it was past noon. She sat up and immediately felt dizzy. She knew she needed to eat. She needed to shower as well, but her legs were still healing and she didn't want to look at them. Doing so would just take her back to that night.

She changed into a forest green pleated collar blouse. It covered her bruised neck, and she slipped on a charcoal knee-length skirt that gave her legs some breathing room. She pinned her hair back into a semi-loose bun and slipped on a pair of heels.

She brushed her teeth and washed her face and went downstairs. She made coffee and had yogurt and granola for breakfast. Classes were over and grades were in, but there were still a few things to finalize for the end of the school year. So she left the house, filling the gas tank in the van before dropping it off. She picked up her own car there and drove to campus. She didn't feel great, but at least she was functioning.

She unlocked the door to her office and stepped inside. She answered emails for a while, which mostly consisted of dealing with unhappy students and parents protesting final grades. She cleaned and organized a bit, piling a few books and papers onto her desk. These were things she wanted to take back home, as she wasn't teaching this summer and subsequently wasn't going to be on campus as much. When she was finished, she scooped everything into her arms and walked out. She locked her door and moved down the hallway, noting how quiet the building was. She was about to turn a corner, but stopped when she heard someone's voice.

"Hey stranger," called a man from down the hallway.

Pam turned to see him. A few yards away stood a tall man in his late 30s, dressed in khakis and a light violet button down shirt. The first couple buttons were open, and some scraggly chest hair peeped outside. He had short, dark brown hair and a scruffy face. He didn't have a gut, but his stomach was soft and undefined. He stood there and smiled widely at her.

Pam clenched her jaw. His name was Mark and he was a telecommunications professors. Because the English department was so large, classes from other majors often took place in the same building. This guy mainly taught audio production and web development, but an intro course on design and production took place in one of the lecture halls right beside where L-335 was taught.

He placed his hands on his hips as he looked at her.

"Long time no see, huh?" he said amiably.

He came off as extremely friendly, but something about him always registered as a tad creepy to Pam. She knew that he was attracted to her and she had always made a deliberate attempt to avoid him. He had never been incredibly inappropriate with her, but he also had a tendency to go on and on in conversation. He seemed unable to pick up on social cues; she was always urgently communicating in her mind for him to shut up and leave her alone.

He seemed harmless right now, holding his distance. Still somewhat socially inept, though, as he didn't seem to perceive that Pam was noticeably quieter and more subdued than usual. But then again, she always acted like this around him.

"Hi, Mark," she said softly.

"How've you been?" he asked, moving in a bit closer.

Pam cleared her throat. "Fine," she managed to get out.

"Awesome. Did you have a good semester?"

She nodded reflexively.

"What have you been up to?" he queried.

Pam drew in a deep breath and tried to speak as nonchalantly as possible.

"Oh, not too much. Was just cleaning my office and heading out," she commented.

"You're going home?" he inquired as his brow wrinkled.

"Yeah," Pam replied quietly.

"Aw, that's a shame. I was hoping we could grab a drink or something. I've been meaning to ask but I never seem to be able to find you."

Pam bit the inside of her lip. "I'm sorry, I've just been so busy," she murmured.

"Yeah," he said in agreement. "Sometime I feel like I'm basically_ living_ in the lab," he chuckled.

Pam nodded awkwardly. Now what?

"Well it was good seeing you," she announced before turning around to walk away.

"So you're sure you can't do something?" he called.

Pam turned around again to face him.

"It'd be a nice way to celebrate the end of the semester and you know, just relax a bit after all the stress," he suggested.

"I think I'm just going to take this stuff home and run some errands," she answered.

Pam was about to walk away again, but she before she did, she peered at him. As she did, she saw a shy smile on his face slowly fade while his eyes conveyed a subtle disappointment.

"All right," he said faintly.

Pam swallowed. Maybe she was being too harsh and inflexible. She told herself it would probably be good to get out anyway, that it could prove to be a good distraction, which was exactly what she needed right now.

"Actually, sure," Pam uttered. "I can grab a drink," she said with a small smile.

Mark's eyes lit up. "Great!"

He clearly had other intentions as well, and while deep down Pam knew this, she told herself she was simply spending time with a fellow co-worker.

XXX

"So he tells me that his aunt passed away and that he had to fly home to go to the funeral and then he ended up having to stay an extra four days because he got the _measles_ and that he was so bed-ridden he couldn't even email me asking for an extension, which is why he wasn't able to turn in the assignment or even let me know what was going on."

Mark laughed as he finished the story, and Pam nodded to be polite. He seemed to be amused at the fact that so many of his students were constantly slacking off and finding excuses to prolong turning in their assignments. Pam didn't find it quite so funny; she found it downright disrespectful, actually, but she held her tongue.

They were at one of the local bars that was just a few minutes of a drive from campus. Pam sat demurely with her ankles crossed and her feet resting on one of the stool's ledges. She drank a martini while Mark sipped a beer and continued to crack himself up.

"Anyway, they're good kids. I try and be easy on 'em and not give 'em too much to do. They're all so stressed out already."

Pam agreed to an extent, but she also believed in pushing her students. School was partly about mastering responsibility and time-management. She knew she assigned an almost excessive amount of reading, but if her students were diligent and actually cared, they would rise to the challenge instead of finding excuses to try and slide by without much effort. She knew if they spent just a fraction of the time they spent on facebook or getting drunk as they did on their work, that they would be just fine.

"Ya know, I feel bad for 'em. I remember how tough undergrad was. Practically all my teachers lacked sympathy and understanding about anything, so I always try and be, ya know, the _cool_ professor. One of the good guys, yeah?"

Pam's eyebrow arched as she nodded. She knew exactly what kind of guy he was. The kind of guy who was still trying to reject adulthood, who would rather be partying with his students, drinking and laughing with them for reassurance that he was still young and cool and not any different from the rest of them. Pam understood, but when she looked at him she basically saw a nineteen year old trapped in a man's body.

She finished her drink and he bought her a glass of red wine. She didn't feel like engaging in conversation, but luckily he did most of the talking. All she had to do was nod occasionally and continue to make eye contact with him and he would keep going without missing a beat. He ordered another beer, and as Pam turned her upper body towards the door as she heard a group of people coming in, she felt his hand slowly creep onto her thigh. She swallowed and clenched her jaw. She let him hold it there for a moment, but she soon stood up and set her glass down.

"I'm just going to run to the restroom," she murmured before walking away.

She used the stall and moved to wash her hands afterwards. She refused to look at herself in the mirror, keeping her head down the whole time. She had no idea why she was here, but at least it was somewhat successful in getting her mind off of everything else. The alcohol helped. She was slightly past buzzed now and it felt good. It cleared her head and made it easier to zone out.

When she walked back out she saw Mark glancing down at his phone. It was some touch-screen, high-tech, more obscure version of an iPhone that she would probably have no idea how to work. He was polite though, and as soon as she sat down again he tucked it into his pocket.

"So you wanna get outta here?" he asked with a smirk.

Pam's brow rose, surprised at his candor.

"No," he chuckled. "I just meant should we leave? I can't be drinking too much more if I'm gonna be driving anyway."

"Oh," Pam replied softly. "Sure."

He pulled out his wallet and left a couple twenties on the counter. They both stood up and exited the bar. They walked to his car and got inside, buckling their seat belts.

He started to drive and Pam for some reason stayed silent. She was unsure of why she didn't ask him to take her back to the staff parking lot where her own car was.

"So you were mentioning you like classic Hollywood movies," he began. "Well I have this version of 'The Life Of Emile Zola' that has all these really interesting extras that came with the recently released DVD. My ex-girlfriend was really into that sort of thing so I started getting into it as well. And, ya know I have it back at my place? It's been a while so I wouldn't mind seeing it again…" he implied.

Pam didn't say anything. She was lost in thought again. She was trying to stop thinking about Tara but was struggling greatly. It wasn't until Mark spoke again that she snapped out of her reverie.

"That okay?" he queried.

Pam wasn't really listening, but she turned her head and nodded. She returned to gazing out the window, watching the outside scene become a blur as he stepped on the gas pedal and accelerated.

XXX

His apartment was not very impressive. But it was typical- what Pam had expected. There were some dishes in the sink and a couple empty beer bottles on the counter. She passed his bedroom and saw some plaid shirts and baggy jeans strewn on the floor.

He scratched his head, a little embarrassed. "Sorry, I didn't know I'd be having company. I would have tidied up a bit."

"It's fine," Pam answered softly, placing her purse on the kitchen counter.

They stepped into the living room and he hastily grabbed a blanket and a sweatshirt from the couch and tossed it away. He moved forward and crouched beside the TV. Beside it was what looked like hundreds of DVDs piled in stacks on a tall shelf. The lower levels were full of video games, and it appeared as methodical as Pam's own book collection. She could tell he cared greatly about them because of how perfectly organized they seemed to be.

"Here it is!" he exclaimed, pulling out a black and white DVD case.

"Great," Pam responded. She sat down on the couch, crossing her legs and placing her hands in her lap.

He inserted the movie but then walked over to the kitchen, an open area connected to the living room. He bent down and opened the fridge, pulling out a couple of Coronas.

He pulled the caps off with a sharp pop before he walked over to her again. He placed the bottles on a small coffee table in front of her and grabbed the remote. He turned on the TV as he plopped down next to her.

He grinned and Pam tried to smile back. He reached over to the table and handed her a beer.

"Thanks," she said softly. She didn't ask for one, but she also didn't want to sober up completely. She really had no idea what she was doing here. She knew if she stopped drinking, she would probably fully realize the absurdity of her actions. It was one thing to grab a drink with him out of guilt, but why was she at his apartment? Why was she still going along with this? He was barely mediocre company.

But all she did was sip her beer and lean back into the couch. The main menu of the film came on screen and he pressed play. The opening credits aired and he settled in closer beside Pam.

They watched the movie, and Pam forced herself to be present, to stay focused. She ended up being successful, because for the next couple hours that they spent sitting there, she became totally engrossed in the story. She was actually enjoying herself. At one point during the movie Mark gave her a genuinely sweet smile and Pam returned one, meaning it this time.

When the film was over, they watched some of the DVD extras. When they were done with that, he turned off the TV and lightly smacked his legs with his hands.

"Did you like it?" he asked.

Pam nodded. "Yeah. It was great."

"Awesome," he replied, nodding adamantly.

They sat in an awkward silence for a while. Pam ended it by eventually standing up. She moved over to the kitchen to grab her purse off the counter. She didn't hear him standing up as well, so she pulled out her phone to kill time. There was nothing to check, but she mindlessly scrolled through her missed calls, waiting and hoping he would get the hint and offer to drive her back to campus.

She had gone through her entire inbox and began to look through her saved images for some reason. There weren't very many, mainly pictures of nature, like a colorful sunset or an interesting tree. But Pam clicked to the next photo and her heart skipped a beat as she saw it. There was Tara. Pam had taken a picture of her a few weeks ago when she had been napping. She always looked so adorably serene when she slept, curled up on her side, sometimes with a tiny whistling sound exiting her nose every time she exhaled.

Pam was so distracted by the sudden sweep of emotion she experienced from seeing the photograph that she didn't hear Mark get up and walk over to her. She only realized he was there when she felt his hands begin to trail down the outsides of her thighs. She stopped breathing, and her phone fell back down into her purse. His hands roamed up to her ass and she froze completely. He leaned forward so that his face was right beside hers.

"You are so fucking sexy," he mumbled, turning his head so that his nose grazed her cheek.

Pam's lips parted and her eyes began to rapidly scan the room, trying to think of what to do. Of course she didn't want this. Especially not him. But as she felt his hands reach up and enwrap her waist, her eyes slowly slipped shut.

Someone was touching her. Someone was holding her. Someone was _here_, wanting her.

He reached up and began to squeeze her full tits. He groaned and pressed his hips firmly into her. She could already feel him through his pants and she swallowed. Her heart was racing and she lowered her hands, resting them at the edge of the counter. He continued to grope her, but he grew impatient and soon unzipped her skirt. He tugged it down and Pam winced for a moment as he dragged it down her injured thighs. He knelt down and managed to pull off her heels. She was a couple inches shorter now and as he stood up, he nudged her legs apart wider with his knee. He reached his hand around and slipped it inside her underwear.

_What the fuck are you doing?_ she thought.

But she wanted to feel something. Anything.

He began to touch her and Pam tried to imagine it was Tara. But his fingers were larger and meatier than hers and they were pressing a little too directly onto her clit. Pam pulled up on his wrist slightly, urging him use less pressure. He leaned forward and breathed against her neck, then licked and kissed her skin as he slid her underwear down. He didn't pull them down all the way though; it turned him on to see them remain halfway down her thighs. He grabbed one of Pam's hands and held it against his crotch. Pam could feel that he was fully erect now and she awkwardly let her hand linger there for a moment as he let go to pull her shirt off. She eventually lifted both arms and he dragged her blouse off. He tossed it to the side and immediately reached around to fondle her breasts again. He pinched her nipples through her bra a little too hard and Pam flinched.

"I want you so bad," he growled, his voice deep and breathy. He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, letting them fall to the floor. His boxers soon followed, and he took himself in his hand as he used his free one to squeeze her ass. He suddenly slapped it hard and watched the area of pale skin turn rosy from the impact.

Pam's eyes widened and she was about to elbow him straight in the gut, but he didn't do it again. He stroked himself for a few more moments before he brought his hand under his chin, quietly spitting into his palm as he gripped Pam's hip with his other hand.

At this point Pam knew she was being an complete idiot, that she wasn't thinking. She knew he didn't have a condom on. She knew he wasn't going to stop. But she did nothing. Why, she had no idea.

He grabbed both sides of her hips and she eventually felt him entering her.

He went slow at first and Pam sucked in a deep breath. She began to relax, but then he suddenly surged into her all the way and Pam couldn't stop herself from crying out. She hadn't slept with a man in over ten years and wasn't nearly used to feeling so full. It hurt, a lot. But it also felt good.

He slowly began to move inside of her, reveling in the feeling and the warmth.

"You're so fucking tight," he groaned, and he pulled her by the waist closer against himself.

Pam gripped the counter harder, wishing he would shut up. And he did eventually as he began to speed up his thrusts. He hugged Pam from behind, squeezing her soft, lithe frame and leaning down to bite the back of her neck. He was either too oblivious to notice the purple marks all over her throat and collarbone, or he didn't care. He began to pull her in with each thrust so that she met him halfway.

Pam dug her fingers into the counter and wished she could stay quiet, but wasn't able to. She moaned and let out sharp, tiny gasps. Her breasts bounced and her whole body shook as he rocked into her. He nuzzled his cheek against Pam's and she winced. His five o'clock shadow irritated her soft skin, but he kept seeking contact. He continued to scratch her cheek and her chin until he turned his head to press his lips to the corner of her mouth.

Pam recoiled, pulling her face away from his instantly. She had no desire to kiss him. She leaned forward more, gripping the counter so hard her knuckles turned completely white as the sound of their bodies clapping together filled the air. Her forehead was pinched and she automatically arched her lower back up. The new angle felt so good that it made his jaw drop.

"Fuck," he breathed. He reached up to slip his hands inside her bra and then brought them back down and around to knead the soft flesh of her ass. He brought his hands around her torso, flattening a palm against her pelvis while dragging the other one down to find her clit. He did this for a while, but as he felt himself getting closer he grunted, unable to anymore. He suddenly clamped his hands down around her thighs and Pam screamed in agony. He mistook it for pleasure, perhaps even for an orgasm and he kept going. Pam's face contorted in pain as he dug his hands into her wounded flesh. She wanted to push them away, but all she managed to do was rest her hands feebly over his. He was too far gone to notice that there were cuts there, and he continued to squeeze her hard as he fucked her.

Pam lifted her head and looked up, feeling her eyes begin to water as her body jerked from every movement. Two tears spilled down her cheeks as she stared blankly at the wall. She felt him shoving himself harder into her for a few more firm, forceful thrusts and then a low, throaty moan escaped his lips as he came. She felt a throbbing heat deep within her and knew it was done. He moved inside her for a few more moments as he trailed his hands up and grabbed her tits again. He was panting and Pam could feel he had sweat through his shirt. When he gradually pulled out, he spun her around and swiftly leaned in to crush their lips together. Pam had already given up and didn't turn her face away. She felt him force her lips open with his tongue and then bite her lower lip as he threaded his hands into her hair. He pulled the back of her head a little too aggressively towards him and Pam pushed on his shoulders. He backed off but didn't seem upset by the motion. He stared at her as his chest heaved. He eventually lowered his eyes, scanning her entire nude frame and smirking.

"I've wanted to do that since the first time I saw you," he murmured breathily.

Pam was quiet. She gazed down at the floor in front of her. She hadn't climaxed, nor had she necessarily wanted to. Not with him. She could soon feel him leaking down the inside of her leg and felt a wave of nausea sweep through her at the realization.

He was about to make a comment about the bruises and cuts on her body that he now fully noticed, but she cleared her throat before he was able to.

"Can you take me home, please," she asked quietly, standing up a little straighter.

"You're welcome to stay here if you'd like. You can take my bed and I can sleep on the couch," he offered, moving his palms to her stomach and stroking her hips gently.

"Can you please take me home," she repeated deliberately.

He shrugged. "All right, sure thing."

He grabbed his pants and boxers and put them on. Pam got dressed as well, trying to ignore feelings of complete disgust as she felt more of him dripping onto her underwear. She gingerly put her skirt on, noticing that her milky thighs were dark pink from where his hands had dug into her. She adjusted the cups of her bra and pulled her blouse on. She bent down to slip on her heels and she slung her purse over her shoulder.

He grabbed his keys and they left the apartment. Pam knew her car was still on campus, but she just needed to be home right now. He dropped her off and she got out without saying a word. He was confused, but he let her go. She stepped onto her walkway, and when he saw her unlock the front door and enter the house, he drove away down the street.

Pam moved slowly towards the staircase. She draped her purse over the bannister and took her shoes off, carelessly leaving them beneath the steps. She ascended them, clasping the rail tightly as she made her way to the second floor. She walked into her bedroom, crossing the room until she reached the bathroom. She stepped inside and turned on the water in the shower. She grabbed a clean white towel from beneath the sink and began to undress. Her clothes fell and formed a small pool of fabric against the tiled floor. She reached up and unpinned her bun, which was already loose and disheveled. She adjusted the knobs until the water was hot and she stepped inside.

She repressed a scream as she felt the water jet onto her legs. It stung her lacerated thighs, but after a few more moments, the pain receded somewhat. She held her head under the cascading water and she swept stray strands of hair away from her face. Her hands moved robotically and routinely as she cleaned herself. Steam began to fill the area, and it was soothing as she inhaled. She washed her hair and she lathered soap over her limbs. She unhooked the shower head to run it down past her knees, rinsing away the shaving cream from her newly smoothed shins. She finally brought her hand to the apex of her thighs and she washed herself there as well.

When she was done, she stood there completely still. Her mind had no focus. She let the water hit the floor wastefully as she gazed emptily through the glass. She was like this for a while, but eventually she blinked and checked in again. She still hadn't eaten enough today. She was tired. And she was now sore. She looked back on the past two hours and she hated herself.

But her mind then travelled to Tara. It seemed so long ago since they had been together, even though it had only been two days. She looked back on all of it. On their drive over. On dinner together. On their time in the motel.

Pam stepped back until her body was up against the wall, and she sucked in a hot breath of steam through her mouth. She paused for a moment, continuing to remember. She then slowly dragged the shower head all the way down until the stream of water was hitting her right between her legs. Her knees nearly buckled and she squeezed her eyes shut as her mouth fell open.

She thought of Tara. Of the feel of her warm, smooth skin. Of the sounds she made. Of the way her body moved against her own.

Streams of hot water continued to find her bundle of nerves and Pam panted as her legs trembled. She tilted her head down and rocked her hips, bringing her free hand up to caress her breasts. She imagined Tara was touching her and with all of her might held back tears. She opened her legs a little wider and her brow furrowed tightly as she found release a few moments later. Her muscles contracted and she pressed her back harder into the wall. She whimpered and she moaned as her abs tensed and quivered.

Her body gradually calmed and she relaxed her wrist, causing the shower head to rotate in her hand and begin to spurt water onto the floor. Her legs were like jelly and she felt a heavy, satisfied pulse between them. She felt pathetic.

She turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. She squeezed excess moisture out of her hair and dried her limbs before wrapping the towel around her body.

She eventually changed and got ready for bed. She couldn't go to the guest room tonight, to Tara's bed. So when she was finished, she walked to her own bed. She shut off the lights and sat down, but she paused as she felt something from beneath the covers. She turned on a lamp from the adjacent night stand and pulled the comforter off to find a small journal lying on the sheets.

Pam sat with her legs extended and she leaned against the headboard. She picked up the journal and held it in her lap. The cover was hard and it was a deep amber. There was a dark green vine pattern painted down by the spine. Pam peered at it curiously for a moment, and when she turned to the first page, she saw that it belonged to Tara.

She didn't know what it was at first. It was not a notebook for school. No. But it _was _something Tara had brought to L-335, something she had begun to write in each class.

Pam realized Tara had left it here deliberately for her. She was scared to read it. But she realized that this was a small part of her. A small part of Tara that was left here with her. And Pam was deeply grateful for that.

She drew in a deep breath and she turned the page. She began to read, to flip through the pages. Some appeared to have observations, beautifully poetic ones, that Tara wrote as she sat in class watching her.

_She listens with indescribable intent. Her eyes squint, almost imperceptibly. Her lips curl unhurriedly. She nods, she beams, she laces her fingers, her focus never wavering. _

_She sees you. As if you're her whole world. No matter what escapes your lips, she hears you. As if your words are a revelation. As if they shatter the very Earth beneath her feet. _

_I am exposed; I am transfixed. You pierce my very soul. Take me with you. Let me to taste your curiosity; let me embrace your overawing genius. I wish to venture into the very depths of your mind, to where the sparks first ignite. Take me there and I do swear, I will be your ever-faithful companion. _

Pam couldn't look away. Her mouth was open and her heart felt as if it had stopped entirely. She turned the page and kept reading. It was all about her. Absolutely everything written was about her.

_Her humility is noble.  
Her diffidence endearing.  
Her mind an enigma. An endless expanse.  
Her beauty inexpressible._

Tears began to slip down her cheeks and she kept turning the pages. She saw that some were devoted entirely to Shakespearean sonnets, partly or wholly presented. Tara had written them down verbatim from her memory, and tears began to fall onto the pages as Pam read.

_Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,  
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,  
Like to the lark at break of day arising  
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;  
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings  
That then I scorn to change my state with kings._

_How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.  
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height  
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight  
For the ends of being and ideal grace.  
I love thee to the level of every day's  
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.  
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.  
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.  
I love thee with the passion put to use  
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.  
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose  
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,  
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,  
I shall but love thee better after death._

Pam's nose was running now as tears continued to freely spill down her cheeks. She cried as she continued to read, eventually turning to the last page. There were only three words written; it was a message for Pam. She tried to steady her breath and she finally let her eyes scan the words.

_Don't forget me. _

Pam's face crumpled. She couldn't stop herself now. She began to sob, heavily and gut-wrenchingly, and she brought Tara's journal to her chest, clinging to it as entire body began to shake. Her wails filled the entire room, and she cried and she cried.

She didn't stop until she was so exhausted that she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore. She slid down the bed and curled onto her side, holding the diary close. There she lay, and finally she drifted off to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

_**A/N**__ Again, I'm sorry for the wait! But I've been writing very lengthy chapters which hopefully pleases you! Also, I did a little research and that thing about Kmart you will get to is actually true._

_ I promise there will be more Tara coming up. Next chapter is all about her : ) Would love to hear your comments. I skipped two days of working out to have time to write this, lol! xoxo_

* * *

Pam woke up the next morning and lay on her side motionless for a while. She calmly recollected the previous night's occurrences, something that proved brutally difficult to do. She looked back over it all- from first seeing Mark in the hallway, to getting drinks with him, to going home with him, to everything else that had subsequently followed. She couldn't believe how she had acted. She just didn't do things like that.

She never wanted to see him again. Not even because she would be embarrassed. But because he now firmly held the notion that she was attracted to him, that she wanted to see him again, that she _liked_ him even- all of which couldn't be further from the truth. She may have let him touch her, and part of her may have wanted it, but he undeniably took advantage, and it was only now that could Pam clearly see that.

She then remembered that a part of him was still inside of her. It revolted her. And then came the panic. She had been with women for so long, and then with _no one_ for so long, that this fear was practically foreign to her. Still, she knew what she had to do to rectify it.

She reached over for Tara's journal that was sitting by the edge of the bed. She hugged it against her chest for a little while longer before getting up and getting ready. Her heart was still broken, excruciatingly so, but there were pressing things she needed to take care of as soon as possible.

XXX

Pam walked into a large, local Kmart that was positively buzzing. She would never dare set foot in there for shopping purposes, but it was the closest drugstore to her house. She walked past long aisles that displayed various types of unnecessary crap before she reached the pharmacy in the back. She stood in line for a few minutes at the pick-up section, waiting as other people retrieved their medications. She eventually walked up and saw before her a young, pleasantly plump woman standing behind the counter. She had wispy blonde hair that was swept back to the middle of her head, held in place with a large navy clip. She had a white lab coat on, along with a nametag on her chest that read "Barbara." When she saw Pam, she smiled sweetly and rested her hands on the counter.

"Hi there. What's the last name?" she inquired automatically. Her voice was high-pitched and thin and something about her read as insincere.

"I'm not picking up a prescription," Pam replied. She placed her purse on the counter and pulled out her wallet in advance.

"I wanted to buy Plan B. And some Zantac," she added after a moment. She was supposed to be visiting her family that day and her father suffered from terrible heartburn. He always seemed to be running low on the stuff, so she brought him something whenever she could.

As the woman heard this, her voice rose in pitch and her demeanor became saccharine and increasingly affected.

"Well I'd be happy to get you some of that Zantac," she replied. "I can't help you with anything else though, I am afraid."

"Are you out of stock?" Pam queried.

The woman cleared her throat and smiled again. "I'm afraid I just can't sell that to you," she responded apologetically.

Pam's brow wrinkled. "And why is that?" she pressed.

Pam waited for a moment, looking the woman up and down. It was only then that she noticed the golden chain hanging from the woman's neck, complete with a thick cross that fell just above her sternum.

"I'm sorry ma'am, I can ring up that Zantac for you right now, but if not, I ask that you let me help the rest of the customers who are still waiting in line."

Pam clenched her jaw. She could feel an agitation begin to boil low in her stomach and she drew in a deep breath.

"I am not leaving until you explain why you are somehow unable to sell me what I am asking you for. Especially when it appears to be readily available," Pam asserted.

The woman's smile lingered, though it looked almost painful now with how forced it had become.

"Ma'am, I'm asking you nicely to step aside as I have other people I need to help…"

"And I refuse to until you give me a fucking explanation," Pam retorted plainly.

The woman's eyebrows shot up, thrown by Pam's tone. She realized Pam really was not going to leave without any further elaboration. So she cleared her throat again before beginning to speak.

"All I will say is that… I am acting as… as a conscientious objector," she said quietly, briefly glancing at the floor.

Pam tilted her head and stared at her. "Excuse me?"

"You seem…" the pharmacist started. "Like a lovely woman," she lied. "But I'm afraid that I just cannot…" She struggled to continue. "Cannot sell you something that I find so… morally reprehensible," she murmured.

Pam's eyes narrowed as she glared at her. She knew the people behind her could hear this entire conversation but she didn't care.

"I see…" Pam began. "Well, how about you put aside your backwards, fanatical, and blatantly misogynistic personal views for a moment and do your fucking job?" Pam demanded.

The woman pressed her lips together, trying to retain her unruffled presentation.

"Ma'am, I realize you are upset but I ask that you please not speak to me in such a manner…"

"I'll speak to you in whatever way I want," Pam returned, louder now. She was completely intimidating. Her gaze was piercing and the woman swallowed, unable to look away.

"You are not a doctor," Pam stated quietly and deliberately. "You are not a medical practitioner. You are not here to recommend, validate, or second-guess my need for prepackaged, available over the counter drugs. When it comes to this, you are merely filling the role of cashier, and nothing more."

Pam's tone was callous and mocking and the woman cleared her throat again as she heard this.

"I've already said what I needed to say. Please let me help the rest of those who are standing in line," she urged.

"Please get me what I'm asking you for," Pam spat back hastily.

"I really don't want to have to call the manager and have you escorted out…" the woman mouthed feebly.

"Oh no, please do call him!" Pam exclaimed. "I'd love to ask him why one of his employees is refusing to sell me a drug that is clearly available while she defends her behavior with some bullshit, irrelevant excuse that makes me question why she took this damn job in the first place."

The woman was incredibly flustered now but was still trying her best to hold her ground.

"There are plenty of other stores you can visit if you wish to purchase such a…" She stopped herself, as if even uttering the pill's name was a sin itself.

"Well I'm here," Pam riposted. "And you still haven't given me one valid reason to go someplace else, so I'd very much appreciate if you could get over yourself and do what I am asking."

"I have given you reason enough already," the woman stammered. "There is no need to repeat myself…"

Pam was now seething. She was nowhere near in the right mood or mental state to deal with this right now.

"I don't know who the hell you think you are, but I don't need-" Pam hissed.

"You should be thanking me!" the woman interrupted squeakily, unable to stop herself.

"Come again?" Pam demanded with wide eyes, utterly baffled.

"I-I seem to be the only one concerned about… the one who is truly concerned about the _sanctity _of your _soul_. And for that you ought to _thank me_," the woman blurted.

"What the fuck?" Pam breathed.

"If you can't understand how I cannot be a part of the ending of an _innocent, deserving life_, because you made some foolish, shameless choices and cannot properly deal with the consequences-"

"JESUS CHRIST!" Pam hollered, her blood now boiling.

She leaned in towards the woman as close as she could. Her voice became breathy and subdued in the most terrifying way.

"Listen, you self-loathing, theocratic, insufferable maggot-"

As furious as she was, it was as if everything she had ever been angry about in her life was surfacing in that moment, and she could feel herself spinning out of control.

"You know what? I will fuck whomever I want, whenever I want, _however_ I want, and it's none of your goddamn business. I don't give a shit if you think I'm the most vile, deviant, murderous slut you've ever seen in your life. You know why? Because you are too fucking brainwashed to recognize what a completely asinine, spineless lunatic you are. So how about you give me the fucking drug I am entitled to because it's the FUCKING LAW?!" she roared.

"I am not legally bound to sell it to you if I don't wish to!" the woman shrieked.

Pam glared at her in confusion, her chest heaving and her heart racing.

"She's right," said a man who eventually joined the woman behind the counter, standing beside her.

It was the manager of the store. He was an older man with wrinkled beige skin, dark-rimmed glasses, and a balding head. He stood there calmly and patiently and looked straight at Pam.

"Ma'am, I can tell that you are clearly very frustrated and for that, I am sorry. But we at Kmart have a policy that allows our pharmacists to decline the sales of any medications to which they object on moral or religious grounds so long as they direct the customer to another pharmacist or employee in the store who can make the sale. Unfortunately, no one who is willing to do that is working at the moment, so perhaps it would be better if you tried again another time…"

"This is absurd," Pam uttered as she turned her gaze up to the ceiling. She had no idea what else to say because this was all so unbelievable.

When she finally looked around, she realized that the entire store was staring at her. She knew she was in the right, that these people were religious nuts. But she was still humiliated. There was nothing else she could do. Nothing to do but leave.

She stood there, fighting back tears and gritting her teeth so hard it became audible. After a moment, she sucked in a breath and finally turned to walk away.

"You'll thank me later," the woman called out sympathetically to Pam's turned back. "I'll pray for you."

It took everything in Pam's power to not turn around and lurch at her and claw the woman's eyes out. She ignored everyone's gapes and glowers as she moved towards the exit. The walk took what felt like an eternity, but she eventually reached the automatic doors, which promptly slid open.

She got inside her car and didn't move. She stared past the dashboard as she felt a couple tears burning in her eyes, still desperately trying to escape. She lowered her head to gaze into her lap and held still for a moment.

And then, suddenly, she screamed. At the very top of her lungs, she screamed so loudly and so harshly that it made her throat a raw, blistering red. The tears in her eyes now slipped down her cheeks and her lips trembled. She sat there for a while, unable to think of a single good thing in her life anymore.

XXX

She eventually turned the engine on. She drove a few miles down Route 37 and picked up the pill at a CVS. She had no problem this time purchasing it, but this didn't make her feel any better. Still, when she swallowed it with a sip of water she felt a huge amount of relief course through her. She then called her doctor to schedule a blood test the next week. She couldn't wait to put all of this behind her.

She went home and cleaned for a while. She started in the kitchen, wiping down the stove, sweeping and mopping the floor, cleaning the inside of the refrigerator, and reorganizing the pantry. It kept her busy and was a comfort to see dust and old, sticky grime wash away with every movement of her hand. She read on the couch for a couple hours when she was done, and then picked up some groceries before getting ready to go to dinner at her parent's house. She put on a coral Ayden double-crepe dress that just reached her knees. There was a black zipper at the side of the dress that went all the way up past her hips, and the sleeves covered her shoulders and the tops of her arms.

The bruising around her neck had faded significantly, but she rubbed some concealer over them until they were imperceptible. She pulled her hair back into a pinned bun and applied enough make up for a fresh, natural look. Her mother had a tendency to be highly critical of her appearance, so she always put on something nice for her visits, making sure it also covered her chest and thighs.

She drove thirty minutes down the freeway to a neighboring town. She was not looking forward to seeing everyone, but she knew if she skipped this time she would never hear the end of it. The driveway was full so she parked along the road and locked her car. She walked to the front door and rang the doorbell. Her family's home wasn't enormous, but it was large enough to have once raised four kids in it.

Pam's mother pulled open the door a few moments later.

"Oh, there you are. You're late," she muttered.

"Sorry," Pam murmured unconvincingly.

Her mother was stocky and around 5'5. She had on a floral knee-length dress that wasn't the most flattering, as it was a little too tight in the bulgiest areas of her body, but she had a pleasant face. Her hair was a faded auburn with a few strands of grey here and there. After taking in Pam she turned and walked down the hallway.

Pam followed her into the living room where the rest of her family was. Her father was sitting on the couch reading World Magazine. His hair was a balanced mixture of silver and white, and while he had a bit of a gut underneath his blue and white striped shirt, it wasn't hard to tell that he used to be quite fit. He was still quite handsome, and he sat with his legs crossed as one foot tapped sporadically against the carpeted floor.

Sitting around the room were some of Pam's siblings. Pam was the oldest and she had two younger sisters and a brother. One of her sisters lived in Georgia, having moved there for her husband. The other, Tabitha, was here with her husband George. Pam's brother Lucas was 23 and he was the youngest of the bunch. He sat on a leather recliner with his hairy legs spread in a wide stance, looking down at his phone. He was on the scrawny side and was almost as anti-religion as Pam was. He had just graduated from school and was living at home until he could find a job, which was not going to be easy as he didn't tend to apply himself. Pam had occasionally tutored him over the summers, but it really was a waste, especially when all he wanted to do on break was hang out with his friends and be a typical, rebellious idiot.

Pam sat down beside her father, who briefly patted her on the knee as he continued reading. Lucas was playing a game that was on mute and Tabitha was having a side conversation with her husband. Pam sat there for a few moments, adjusting her dress and smoothing her hair with the palm of her hand. The silence was awkward for her, but she much preferred this to so many of the conversations she tended to have whenever she was here.

A few minutes later her mother emerged from the kitchen.

"Dinner's ready," she announced.

Everyone eventually filed into the dining room and there they saw a lovely home-cooked meal before them. There was a large pot roast and green bean casserole in the center of the table and it smelled wonderful. Around this were thin, white plates, small glasses, and gleaming silverware.

They all took their seats, with Pam's father at the head of the table. Pam sat across from her mother and in between her sister and dad.

They began to pass around bowls and dishes and filled their plates. Lucas was about to bring a roll to his mouth, but his mother smacked his wrist hard and he dropped it reluctantly. Pam scooted her chair closer in and soon felt her sister reaching for her hand. Everyone joined hands and Pam grudgingly bowed her head. She was the only one who kept her eyes open, and she turned her gaze to her father who soon began to pray.

"In Thee, o God, we live and move and have our being.  
Thou didst create us, and Thou dost uphold us, and without Thee  
We are nothing. We bless Thee for this food, the token of  
Thy continued care for us. We take it as a gift from Thy hand  
Of love, and we pray Thee for wisdom, that we may spend  
The strength it gives us in ways that will please Thee best.  
For Jesus' sake. Amen!"

"Amen," repeated the rest of the family.

Pam repressed an eye roll and reached for her glass of water. She took a sip and looked down at her plate. It wasn't the healthiest meal, but dinners here never were, so she always made the conscious effort to consume smaller portions. Silverware clacked against plates as everyone began to eat.

"So why haven't you been in here in so long?" Pam's mother asked as she cut up her roast.

"Just been busy with work," Pam replied.

It wasn't a blatant lie- she _was_ busy- but she also knew she couldn't be entirely honest with her. That would mean letting everyone know that not only had she been living with one of her _students_ for the past few weeks, but that student also happened to be a woman, who also happened to be Black. Perhaps the statement would sound so ludicrous coming out of her mouth that no one would even believe her, but Pam knew better than to even joke about such a thing.

"You're _always_ busy with work," her mom retorted. "That doesn't mean you abandon your family."

"I'm sorry," Pam said quietly. "Won't happen again, all right?"

She wasn't in the mood for an argument tonight. She was prepared to say whatever she needed to in order to avoid one.

"How's Reverend Ashman?" her mother queried.

Pam swallowed a mouthful of green beans. She had become so adept at lying that at times, she could convince even herself that she was telling the truth.

"He's doing well. Gave a lovely sermon the other day," she answered.

"On what?" her mother inquired.

"Glorifying God in all things," Pam replied without missing a beat.

Her mother nodded. "Good."

Her mother was quiet for a little while as she continued to eat, but soon had another thought.

"You know, I was hoping that maybe the reason you hadn't been coming here for a while was because you had finally started seeing someone..."

Pam chewed her food slowly as she studied the tablecloth.

"No, Mom. I'm not seeing anyone."

And it broke her heart to say that out loud, because she knew that this no longer was a lie.

"This is getting ridiculous, Pamela," her mother declared as she set her knife and fork down. "This has been going on for too long. I just don't understand how Adam was able to find someone new within a year and a half and yet you are still alone after over a decade! I know you said you had boyfriends in California, but how long did that really last? And we never met any of them! Do you know what the women at church are saying about you? What people are starting to think about you now? And that reflects badly on _me_, on all of us. You really are being selfish. You know I thought I'd have at least three grandchildren by now," she muttered, shaking her head.

Pam furrowed her brow. "Mara _has_ three children, what are you talking about?" she returned.

Her mother scoffed. "Mara's kids are animals. And it's because that husband of hers is as dim as they come. I knew he was hopeless the moment I met him."

"It's better than that Mexican kid she started dating," Pam's father uttered with his mouth full. "Remember that? I wanted to have that FOB deported as soon as I could."

Pam clenched her jaw and held her tongue. She had tried on multiple occasions to challenge some of the deep-seated prejudices her parents held, but it was always to no avail. She had learned over time to stay quiet, because usually these comments were simply passing.

Pam's mother shook her head. "Still, every time they visit and I see them all, I can't help but think that if God _had_ to make one of my daughters barren, it should have been Mara instead."

"Mom!" Tabitha breathed, her eyes instantly filling with tears.

Tabitha had learned a few years ago that she couldn't have children, something that had devastated her and George both. They were currently trying to adopt, but it was a far from easy process and was something their mother was not nearly as enthusiastic about.

"Anyway," she continued, looking at Pam. "You're the one with the brains. I want my grandsons to become doctors or ministers. Something to make us proud. And you've got the looks too; God love her but Mara is not good for much, is she? I'm telling you, if you don't do something soon, everything's going to be shut down there. You keep sitting around and nobody's going to want you at all."

Pam gripped her knife tightly and bit the inside of her lip. She knew that being away so long meant the conversation would be all about her, at least in the beginning, but she still didn't like it.

"So how are the neighbors?" she asked, trying to change the subject.

Her mother scoffed. "Patty Miller's daughter is pregnant again. Can you believe that? That girl cannot keep her legs closed for the life of her. You'd think she learn her lesson the first time. Now she's never going to finish high school. Well, it wouldn't do her much use anyway."

Pam cut her roll in half and stayed quiet, sorry that she asked. Thankfully, the ensuing discussions didn't revolve around her anymore, so she was able to eat her meal in peace, only adding the occasional comment so as not to seem totally disengaged. When they were finished, she, Tabitha, and her mother cleared the table and cleaned the dishes while her father and Lucas sat in the living room.

When they were done, Pam and Tabitha joined them while their mother heated up a sweet potato pie for dessert. When it was warm enough, she dished slices out for everyone and they ate it a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Pam had lost her appetite a while ago, but she had a few bites to be polite.

"You wanna come to church with us tomorrow, Pammy?" her father asked.

"Oh, I can't, sorry Dad," she answered.

Her mother shook her head. "You don't want to right now anyway. The place is full of strangers now. It's ridiculous."

"What do you mean?" Pam queried.

"Lydia…" her father warned.

"What?" she stated as she stared innocently at him. "I just don't understand it."

"Understand what?" Pam asked.

"The church… " she began. "It's been 'expanding.' And I don't understand why those people are coming to us. It's not like they've been _invited_. What gives them the right to show up like that? Maybe there isn't any more room at the church."

"What people?" Pam pressed.

Her father set his empty plate onto the coffee table and loosened his belt.

"There have been some families from Clinton coming over recently," he explained. "Their local church recently had a fire and they're in the process of rebuilding it."

It took Pam a moment, but she eventually understood the situation. Clinton's population was largely composed of African Americans, and as she quickly reviewed her mother's comments, she realized exactly what was going on.

"They won't be here forever, Lydia," Pam's father reassured her. "Why don't you relax?"

"I just don't understand why they felt the need to come _here_. They clearly don't fit in with the church. And it's like they're not even trying to get to know anyone there. They just barge in unannounced and act like they own the place."

"That's not true," her father countered. "One of the women complimented you on your dress last week. And then tried to have a conversation with you. But you told her you couldn't stay and chat, remember? And Reverend Tanner told us a few weeks ago that we might be getting some new folks visiting for a while. You just don't remember."

Pam's mother shrugged this off.

"Do they even like coming here? I mean can they even sit the whole time? I thought at their churches they spend their time jumping up and down, shouting, sweating, and I don't know, taking off their clothes or who knows what else. Acting like a bunch of animals."

Pam's heart was beginning to pound inside her chest. It was building again, that potent rage she had felt earlier that day at the pharmacy. Her mother's ignorance had always bothered her, but now Pam was taking it personally. Hearing all this made her think of Tara and it was triggering a whole other level of disgust and indignation within her.

"That's enough, Lydia," her father cautioned. He wasn't offended, but he could tell that Pam was and he didn't want to start an argument.

"What?" her mother protested, not understanding what the problem was. "I'm just saying. I'm afraid they are going to get stir crazy one day. Who knows what will happen then? I don't want the church being damaged. I don't know what these people are really like. Maybe that fire at their own church was self-made. Maybe they were going a little too wild one day. Could have been part of some tribal ritual or something," she said as she shrugged.

"For God's sake, Mom!" Pam finally hollered.

Her mother's eyes widened. She turned to glare at Pam, her expression now deadly serious.

"We do not take the lord's name in vain in this household…"

"I don't give a shit!" Pam exclaimed. "Would you listen to yourself?"

"Lower your voice," her mother warned.

"No," Pam retorted. "Fuck this. _Fuck you._ I can't sit here and listen to this shit anymore."

"Pamela…" her father cautioned.

"What is wrong with you?" Pam cried. "I can't take this anymore. Enough. Jesus Christ, _enough_."

"You watch your tongue!" her mother spat, shooting up to standing.

Tabitha and George sat on the couch completely bewildered, and Lucas was actually looking up from his phone now.

"I can't do this anymore, Mom. I can't take it."

"Take what?" her mother demanded.

"_You!_" Pam answered. "_Dad_. _All of this_. I'm sick of it!"

Pam's father now stood up, and his expression was becoming frighteningly threatening. He had a volatile temper, and it didn't take much to get him to snap.

"I will not tolerate this, Pamela," he urged.

"Oh fuck off Dad. You're just as bad as Mom," Pam uttered.

"Wrath is a sin!" her mother shouted. "And you were taught to never disrespect your parents like this!"

"Oh no, you want know what I was taught?" Pam bellowed. She could feel herself about to go on a huge tirade but it had been building up inside of her for so long that all she wanted to do was set it free.

"I was taught to _hate _myself," she began. "To feel guilty for the things I did and the thoughts I had. I was taught to be ashamed of my body, to be ashamed of _sex_, of thinking about it, of _having _it, of _wanting _it, of _enjoying_ it. I was taught to shame others because they didn't meet your hypocritical, policing, and obsolete standards and expectations. I was taught that my largest purpose in life was to serve my man, regardless of if he treated me like complete shit, _which he did,_ to stand by him regardless of whether I loved him or not. I was taught that I am essentially worthless as I am now, alone, that somehow my life has less value and meaning. I was taught to feel guilty for making my own choices, for feeling pride in my own accomplishments and work, instead of thanking some irrelevant higher power for it. I was taught that only those who worship _your_ God deserve true joy and love, now and in their afterlife. I was taught to vilify and dismiss certain kinds of people for absolutely arbitrary reasons that you cannot defend except through drawing from your archaic, futile, and utterly incongruous sources. I was taught to exercise and preach 'God's will' as an excuse to ridicule and control others. I was taught to feel entitled and consecrated at the expense of others. I was taught all of this while being preached to never judge or hate when that's all you fucking do. I _hated_ my life here, and I _hate_ coming here, and I don't know why I still do!"

Pam was panting as she finished, suddenly feeling dizzy and unstable. Her mother stood there immobile. She was furious and she was devastated. She was positively stunned.

"You don't mean that…" she mumbled. "You are just being _spiteful_, Pamela. Don't let the Devil steal your goodness. _This is not you_."

"It IS me, Mom!" Pam screamed. "The only time I'm _not_ me is when I am here! I haven't been to church in almost _twenty_ years! I haven't prayed a single prayer since I was _fifteen_. I don't believe in God, and my childhood was absolutely _miserable_ because of you. I left for California because I couldn't be around you anymore! Coming back here was the worst mistake of my life."

Pam's mother stood there with her mouth open. She was now so hurt that tears were brimming in her eyes. Her father looked incensed and the rest of her family was speechless.

"Get out of my house," her father growled.

"Gladly," Pam answered. She grabbed her purse and marched towards the door. Her father followed her while the rest remained where they were, paralyzed.

She pulled open the front door and glared at her father. Just before she was about to turn around and leave, she remembered something.

"Oh and _by the way_," she hollered down the hallway, ensuring she could be heard. "I'm also a _lesbian."_

A palpable, suffocating silence immediately spread over the entire house. And with that, she walked away, slamming the door hard behind her.


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N**__ This is the first of two chapters I uploaded today. Read this one first. I've love to hear your comments. Glad I got to update sooner than I thought! xoxo_

Pam got in her car, slammed the door shut, and drove away. Her mouth was dry and her chest was heaving. She knew that that was goodbye. She was never going to see her parents again. But in that moment, she didn't care. Her blood was pulsing through her in an exhilarating way. To unleash all that had been building inside of her ever since she was a child, all that toxicity, pain, and rage; it was sublime. Whether she had done the right thing didn't even occur to her. In this moment, there was no guilt. She felt free.

The moment she was home and walked inside, she felt her body instantly relax. She didn't realize her shoulders had been so tense, that her jaw had been gripped tightly for the past few hours. She brought her hand to the back of her neck and massaged some of the knots out before getting a glass of water and heading upstairs. She got ready for bed, and before she moved under the covers she looked at Tara's journal that was sitting on the comforter.

She sat down and picked it up, placing it in her lap. She gazed down at the cover, running her fingers up and down the spine, instinctively recollecting some of the pieces that were in there. Pam still missed her terribly, but what Tara had written no longer caused as much pain for her as it warmed her and brought her comfort. She was so grateful to have it.

She sat there, drawing in slow, steady breaths as she checked in with herself. It had been a rocky few days, to say the least. But she finally felt like her head was clear. That she wasn't so volatile or unstable or likely to do something rash. She largely felt at peace.

She then wondered how Tara was doing. She realized she had not even thought about this until now and she chastised herself for being so selfish. She hated that Tara was living with Lettie Mae again. Was she okay? What was she doing? How long would it be until she was able to enroll in a community college there, if that's what her plan was? Pam knew she should call, but it would be too difficult to hear her voice right now. And she thought about texting her, but that didn't seem respectful or appropriate enough.

She ended up getting some of her nicest stationary, choosing a card that was blank on the inside but had an arrangement of white lilies on the cover. She used her nicest pen, and inside she wrote:

_Thank you for the poems. They are beautiful. _

Pam paused for a moment. She wanted to add something but didn't know if she should. She agonized for several minutes, tapping her middle finger against her thigh as she ruminated. She finally told herself to just do it. So beneath her first line, she added:

_Missing you_.

_Love, _

_Pam. _

She slid the card inside a white envelope and sealed it. The card did not come close to conveying just how much she adored Tara's writing, or how intensely she missed her, but she knew it was impossible to truly communicate this anyway because her feelings went far beyond words.

Pam sent it the next day. Before she slipped the letter inside the mailbox, she brought her fingers to her lips, placing a kiss on them and pressing them to the center of the envelope.

She knew it was just a thank-you note, that there was no response needed. But the days went by and she never heard back from Tara. About anything at all. And it broke her heart just a little bit more.

XXX

After just a few days of being home, Tara soon felt like she had never left. This wasn't a pleasant realization, but at least her move back hadn't been a difficult transition. Being home was the same as always. The only difference was that she now had had a small taste of just how wonderful her life could be, and this bitter reminder lingered relentlessly in her mind. Perhaps that was what made this all so much worse than usual. It was the knowledge that she had the potential to be truly happy, but now it was all gone in an instant.

She soon began working. It would have been nice to have a few more days to herself, but she hated being around Lettie Mae anyway, so she didn't even mind being out of the house.

She eventually got hired as a Wal-Mart distribution center stocker. The job paid minimum wage but it wasn't too far from home. And now that Tara was of age, she was able to start bar tending in the evenings at a local joint in town. It wasn't glamorous, but these were her only options at the moment, and anything she could do to get out of there she was going to do.

One day after work, she was walking home and picked up the mail like she always did. She quickly filed through them, noting it was mainly junk with the occasional bill. She was so used to never receiving mail that she almost missed an envelope in the back that was addressed to her.

When she saw it, she walked inside the house and laid the rest of the pile on the kitchen table before going into her room. She sat on her bed and opened the letter. She opened it and her breath hitched.

She read Pam's words over and over again. She couldn't stop. They overwhelmed her. She knew she left the journal in a place Pam would clearly find, but seeing in writing how her words had touched her made Tara's stomach flutter. Whatever anger she had been directing towards Pam was long gone. She ran her fingers over her elegant cursive and it made her heart ache. She sat there for a while, so grateful to have a little piece of Pam here with her.

_I miss you too_, she thought. _I miss you so much._

And that's when she had a thought. A vital one. She scurried over to her desk, opening the drawers in search of a calculator. She ruffled through pens, post it notes, paper clips, and scissors but couldn't seem to find one. So she whipped out a piece of paper and a pencil instead and began to scribble away. She began to do calculations as fast as she could. She multiplied the cost of her apartment rent by eight months and then estimated the cost of food and other expenses for an entire school year. She took everything into account. She included the cost of a rental car to get over there, knowing she wouldn't be able to get a ride. She added the cost of medicine, in case she got sick. She factored in the textbooks, school supplies, and a little extra for emergencies.

She then computed how much money she would have by the end of the summer working her two jobs. When she was finished, she compared the results and her heart sank. It wasn't close to enough.

But she didn't give up. She adjusted her calculations, increasing the total hours she could work in a week by 10. It still wasn't enough. She added another ten hours, but again, it wasn't enough. She added another and while it was much closer, it was still not enough. Finally, she determined that if she worked around 84 hours a week over the summer, she would be able to raise enough money for one final year at school.

She knew it was insane. 12 hours a day, seven days a week is what this came down to. But the thought of seeing Pam again propelled her, exhilarated her.

And then, a wide grin suddenly spread on her face. What if she surprised her? It made her so giddy her limbs almost started to shake. Imagining Pam's reaction to seeing her without even suspecting that she was returning was all the motivation she needed. There was no question that this was what she was going to do.

XXX

She was able to extend her hours at Wal-Mart, essentially taking on two full shifts a day, and she began to work more hours at the bar too. She started staying until closing, and at times didn't get home until almost four in the morning. She also asked around the neighborhood, and was soon able to pick up some basic jobs to do on the weekend, like mowing lawns, watering plants, and cleaning and organizing garages.

After the initial excitement of her plan wore off, she began to realize just how impossible it was. After only a couple weeks, she could feel her body beginning to shut down. She wasn't getting enough sleep, it was difficult to find time to eat, and she had no free time to decompress and reboot. She would come home when it was pitch black outside and collapse onto her bed. Sometimes she was too exhausted to shower or change out of her clothes.

The only thing that kept her going was thinking of Pam. When she really missed her, she would go through her old L-335 papers just to look at Pam's handwriting. She even managed to find a couple articles online that Pam had written in scholarly journals a few years back. Even when she could barely keep her eyes open, she would study them, reveling in Pam's brilliance, counting down the days in her head until summer was over.

Sometimes she would lie in bed on her back, closing her eyes and tracing her fingers over her cheeks and brow like Pam used to do. Occasionally, her arousal would overpower her exhaustion and she would find the energy to touch herself. She did so exactly how she remembered Pam did. She mimicked her skillful touch and she imagined how amazing their reunion would be. It made it easy to find release; sometimes she did within seconds. She would lie there panting when it was done, slowly running her hands over her body before turning on her side and tucking her arm into her chest, falling asleep in an instant.

XXX

Halfway through the summer, she actually had a little more money saved than she predicted she would have at this point. Anything she made at Wal-Mart was directly deposited into her bank account, but she kept the cash from her other jobs in an envelope that she taped to the bottom of her dresser.

She was thinner, had visible bags under her eyes, and was exhausted all the time, but things were going as planned and she couldn't wait to get back to South Carolina.

One night, however, she came home from work and what she discovered was nothing short of a nightmare.

It was late and she had just gotten back from the bar. She walked inside her room and sat on her knees, reaching under her dresser for her envelope to add that evening's tips. The minute she felt it though, her eyes widened. It was empty. She ripped it off and stared at it in disbelief. She was so confused, trying to think of an explanation. After a moment she shot up to standing and walked out of her room.

Her heart was pounding as she marched over to where her mother was lying asleep on the couch. She could smell alcohol on her breath, so even when she called her, Lettie Mae lay there passed out.

"Momma!" Tara urged, shaking her shoulders hard.

Lettie Mae still didn't respond. It wasn't until Tara slapped her cheeks twice that her mother awoke in a stutter.

"Hi baby…" she mumbled, groggily opening her eyes.

Tara was staring daggers at her and her jaw was clenched tight.

"Where is it," she demanded.

"Hmm?" Lettie Mae said blearily.

"WHERE IS IT," Tara repeated.

Lettie Mae's eyes were now open all the way.

"Watchu talkin' about, baby gurl?"

Tara could already feel tears brimming in her eyes, but nothing could compete with the intense rage boiling inside of her.

"Where is my money..." she asserted, and her chin began to quiver.

"I don't know what you're talking about, child," Lettie Mae replied casually.

"YES YOU DO!" Tara bellowed, grabbing her mother by the shoulders as two tears spilled down her cheek.

Even in her drunken stupor, Lettie Mae was now wide-awake.

"The money," Tara said through gritted teeth. "That I had in my room. I kept it in an envelope. Under my dresser."

She was so damn furious yet there were still hot tears running down her face.

Lettie Mae gazed at her daughter. Tara looked so upset that it was jarring, so she tried to play it off like it was nothing.

"Ohh, _that_," she stated. "Well I used that money to donate to the church. I put it to good use, baby."

Tara's brow furrowed as her chest began to heave. "What?" she stammered. "Wh-why would you do that?!"

Lettie Mae peered at her with a dumb expression of her face. She could feel an unease trying to surface but she pushed it away.

"What kind of question is that? The church has always been needin' help, 'specially right now. It was the right thing to do."

"BULLSHIT," Tara cried. "WHY DID YOU DO IT!?"

Lettie Mae pursed her lips before lowering her head to look at her lap.

"I told you, baby gurl. I went and gave it to Reverend Daniels today. Ohh, Tara Mae, you should have seen the look on his face! His smile lit up the entire room! And you know, I _told_ him that was the kind of woman I am. I told him I was doing better than ever, and you know, he-"

Tara took a step back, stunned. She shook her head as tears continued to fall down her cheeks.

"Y-you… You spent it because you're trying to get him back? You stole _my_ money because you thought he would take you back?! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE!" she screamed.

Lettie Mae stumbled as she stood up.

"You lower your voice, child," she warned.

"HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!" Tara screamed. "HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU, WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!"

"Don't you say that!" Lettie Mae retorted feebly.

Tara's face crumpled as she sobbed. "_Seven hundred dollars, momma_…" she blubbered. "How could you do that…"

Tara's whole body was shaking and she covered her face with her hand as she cried. She couldn't believe this was happening.

"It'll be all right, baby gurl…" Lettie Mae told her calmly. "Don't you worry. I said it was from the both of us! And it'll do the church some mighty good. You should feel proud of yourself," she added.

"I HATE YOU," Tara cried. "I _HATE_ YOU!" She turned around and punched the wall. Her knuckles screamed with pain but she didn't care.

She couldn't even bear to look at her anymore. She went to her room, slamming the door and collapsing onto her bed. She cried into her pillow, so angry and so devastated she felt sick.

XXX

As tough as that setback had been, that's all Tara allowed it to be. She started to hide her money in a place Lettie Mae could never find. She began working more hours, which meant getting up even earlier in the morning and trying to take on a few more jobs for the neighbors. She didn't dare go to the church and ask Reverend Daniels for the money back. She just couldn't bring herself to do it.

But she re-calculated everything, and found that if she kept doing what she was doing and didn't leave for school until the day before classes began, she would just have enough. She always knew she could get a job when she was back in South Carolina, but she was still going to have a heavy course load and she didn't want to drop one of her majors. Besides, any free time she had she wanted to be spending with Pam.

The weeks dragged on, and she continued to struggle. She never had a break. At work her eyes would slip shut for a moment and her whole body was instantly ready for sleep. But when chin would slowly lower to her chest, her head would snap up, instantly waking her. So she began to drink the occasional energy drink when she grew desperate, although it barely kept her awake; all it managed to do was make her jittery.

And even when her body wasn't physically exerting itself, her mind failed her. It was so hard to focus and at times she felt ill when she didn't even have a cold. But she knew that the ultimate goal was more important. So she kept at it, and soon the end of the summer was near.

The week before fall semester began, she packed all of her things up. She had signed up to live in a dormitory this time, because it was less expensive than her apartment had been.

When the day to leave finally came, she went to pick up the rental car early in the morning. It took two bus transfers and over an hour of driving, but she eventually made it. Because she was under 25, she had to pay extra, but she was grateful that there was a place that allowed her to rent a vehicle at all. She drove the car home and packed all her things inside, which included attaching her bike to the back of the car. She didn't even bother saying bye to her mother. She just put together a lunch and some snacks, filled a bottle of water, and closed the front door.

She got inside the car and started to drive. She would be in South Carolina, she would be with Pam, in a mere number of hours.


	13. Chapter 13

_**A/N**__ This is the second chapter I uploaded today. If you haven't read the first one, go back one first. Please comment if you can! xoxo_

Tara drove the entire way. When she finally arrived, it was eleven o'clock at night. The ride was tiring, but no more than anything else she had done that summer.

She checked in at the front desk of her dorm and got her room key. It took her a while, but she carried all her things into her room. The place was small, but it would do. She was on the fourth floor and she had no idea what the other people in her hall were like, but this wasn't on her mind in the slightest. She couldn't wait to see Pam. She knew it was too late to go to her now, that she might even be asleep. And she knew she should also be getting her things ready for the first day of classes. She still needed to buy all of her textbooks and school supplies. But all she could think about was Pam.

She was so excited that it was hard to sleep, despite how deprived of it she had been. But when she finally drifted off into slumber, she dreamed of nothing but bliss.

XXX

Tara awoke the next morning, and when she realized what day it was, her heart started to race. She quickly got changed and got her stuff ready for her first class. She walked to the lecture hall and had a seat. Her professor began to go over the syllabus, but she was barely listening. And she was frustrated that her schedule was so back-to-back on Mondays. She had to wait until she attended all her classes for the day to have any sort of free moment.

When she was finally done for the day, she left the Business school to head for the English department. She walked so fast that she was practically sprinting along the sidewalk, not even caring that students were looking at her funny.

She entered the building and walked upstairs to where the professors' offices were. She was panting and gulped in a huge breath to try and calm down. She was so excited that she didn't even notice there was something different about the sign next to Pam's office door. She knocked a few times, hoping she wasn't out.

Tara soon heard a rustling from inside and she grinned.

But when the door opened, it was a man who answered.

"Hi, can I help you?" he asked amiably.

"Oh," Tara answered. "Sorry, maybe I have the wrong place…" She looked down the hallway, wrinkling her brow. "She might have changed offices," she explained.

The man peered at her, waiting for her to elaborate so that he could know how to help her.

"Do you know where Professor Beaufort's office is?" Tara asked.

The man ran his front teeth over his bottom lip as he squinted, looking slightly puzzled.

"Oh…" he replied.

He reached up and scratched his head before continuing.

"Did you not hear what happened?"

Tara gazed at him, not understanding.

The man opened the door a bit wider and rested his hands against his legs.

"She… she resigned at the end of last semester…" he stated. "She doesn't work here anymore."

Tara's heart stopped.


	14. Chapter 14

_**A/N**__ Lots of updates today! Was really following my muse, I suppose. Be sure you start with chapter 12. And this is not the end of the story, okay?_

_ Would love to hear your comments. xoxo_

The man kept talking, but it was like Tara was deaf. All she could hear was a high-pitched ringing in her ears, nothing else. Her mouth was slightly open and she stopped consciously breathing. She walked away while he was still speaking, and as she moved down the hallway he stared at her turned back, more curious than offended.

She looked like a ghost. Her eyes began to water, not from tears but because she wasn't blinking. She mindlessly moved down the stairs, barely aware of the people hastily brushing past her.

She eventually walked outside, going out the back entrance. She stood on a ledge where a couple of dumpsters sat close by, her eyes glazed over, blood pulsing in her ears. No one was around, but students were out in the distance walking along a sidewalk near a main road.

Tara swallowed and reached inside her pocket for her phone. Her hands were shaking so vigorously that it was hard for her to control her movements. Her fingers eventually reached the right number, and she feebly pressed her thumb to the green button.

She slowly brought the phone up to her ear, trying to stand steady as her knees trembled.

* * *

Pam was sitting in her office organizing papers when she heard a vibration coming from inside of her purse. She reached over and unzipped it, grabbing her phone and briefly glancing at the screen. Her lips parted when she saw it. And after the initial moment of shock, she smiled in anticipation and held the phone against her ear.

"Hi!" Pam exclaimed, beaming. Her eyes sparkled and her heart began to race, thrilled at the prospect of talking Tara for the first time after they had separated so many months ago.

But nothing happened. There was only silence on the other end. Pam waited and waited, and eventually she heard a sniffle.

"Tara?" she asked, wrinkling her brow. "Are you there?"

Tara heard Pam's sweet, caring, wonderful voice, something she hadn't heard in so long, something she had only been hearing in her dreams, and her legs buckled as she collapsed onto her knees.

She began to weep, and Pam's smile immediately faded from her face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" she asked with heavy concern.

Tara began to hyperventilate as tears started to stream down her face.

"_Tara_," Pam said in a panic, hearing her jagged breathing and her whimpers. "Please talk to me. What happened? Are you okay?"

Tara tried to speak, but couldn't. She kept sobbing, pressing her quivering lips together as she gazed out into the distance.

"Tara," Pam pressed. "I need you to tell me what's wrong."

Tara sucked in a deep breath and wiped her eyes with her palm.

"Y-you're not here," she blubbered. Her face crumpled and she shook her head. "You're not here," she cried.

"I know," Pam replied soothingly, thinking Tara was still home in Louisiana missing her. She found it a bit odd to finally be hearing from her after all this time, but she didn't dwell on it.

"Take a deep breath," Pam urged calmly.

Tara shook her head forcefully. "Y-you left," she cried. "You're not h-here."

She kept repeating those two phrases over and over again as she bawled, trying to stop her body from shaking. Pam had no idea what to do. She swallowed and waited patiently, although it shattered her heart to hear Tara like this.

"I came b-back and you're not, not h-here," Tara cried. "Why didn't you tell me?!" she demanded.

Pam's eyes suddenly widened. "You came ba... Where are you?" she asked urgently.

Tara tilted her head up to look at the sky as more tears slipped down her cheeks.

"I-I…to your o-office," she blubbered. "H-he said you... gone."

Pam covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh my God…" she breathed.

"You're n-not here," Tara wept. "YOU'RE NOT HERE!" she suddenly screamed.

Pam's head was reeling. Now she understood.

"Tara… I'm _so sorry._ I didn't know! You didn't tell me- I thought... I thought you were never coming back. You... you never reached out to me; I didn't think you wanted to, to talk to me anymore…" She spoke rapidly, desperate to justify, desperate to explain.

Tara crumpled further into the ground, sitting with her shoulders slouched now. Her nose was running freely and tears were dripping off her chin onto the concrete.

"Tara_, I'm so sorry_," Pam pressed. "I didn't know. I… I just realized that I wasn't happy there. I got into a... huge fight with my family, I wasn't enjoying my classes anymore, and I missed _you,_ _so, so much._ _You_ helped me see that it, it just didn't make sense for me to stay anymore. The school was so upset with me, they_ still_ are, but that doesn't matter."

Pam paused for a moment, hearing that Tara was still sobbing. Her eyes scanned the room rapidly as she continued to search for the right words.

"Remember... remember you told me... you said I have a right to be happy? I listened! I stopped sitting around, I started... going after what I want. You were right! And I _wanted_ to tell you, I really did. I… I was so lucky. I'm... I'm back at Pomona again… I couldn't believe there was a position open. I was so ready to, I don't even know, go somewhere completely new. I didn't know if I'd ever find another position as a professor, considering I left the last job so poorly. But, today is my first day of classes here! And…"

Pam trailed off. Now was not the time. She was trying to make her feel better, but all she was doing was rubbing it in, crushing Tara more.

"I miss you every day," Pam vowed sincerely, pressing her free hand against her chest. "I think about you all the time."

Tara kept crying. None of this was helpful. She couldn't believe this was happening. She looked back on her summer, the goddamn hell she went through to get here. She looked ahead, to what this school year would be like without Pam.

"_Tara_," Pam pleaded. "Please say something. I'm so sorry. Please talk to me."

Tara shook her head again as a choked moan escaped her lips. She wiped her nose with the back of her wrist and blew out a shaky breath through her mouth. She squeezed her eyes shut as she lowered her hand, dropping the phone to the ground. She couldn't bear it anymore.

The call wasn't disconnected, but Pam realized what had happened.

It killed her, but she eventually hung up. She had never felt so guilty before in her life.

XXX

She called Tara the next day. No answer.

She tried again. She called every day for two weeks. She left a voicemail every time, always apologizing profusely, always begging Tara to call her back so that they could talk.

But Tara never did. She wouldn't pick up, and she never called back. Maybe it was because she felt like too big a fool. Maybe because she was too devastated, too heart-broken. Maybe because she was angry.

Pam eventually stopped calling. She yearned for the day that Tara would finally reach out to her. But she never did.

So Pam had to move on with her life. And Tara eventually did as well.

They lost touch.


	15. Chapter 15

_**A/N**__ Good lord this is literally the longest chapter I've ever written. I'd really, really love to hear your thoughts on this one, actually, because I never planned on writing this. I have no idea if this chapter is stupid or unnecessary so just let me know. Sorry for the wait; love you all. And it's so damn long that I was only able to go through it a couple times, so I apologize if there are typos but it's 4 in the morning and I need to go to sleeeeep. xoxo_

* * *

The next few weeks were far from easy for Tara. She didn't want to be there. At school. In South Carolina at all. She'd rather be back home even, because at least at home there weren't these wonderful yet devastating memories of Pam that had been created there. While Tara's first two years of school- before having met Pam- had been rather dull and indifferent, this one would be agonizing. To make it worse, one of her English courses was taught in the same lecture hall that L-335 had been in the year before. Tara hated being in there, but she had to consistently go because it was another course where attendance was mandatory.

Still, she continued working hard in her classes. Working on an assignment kept her mind focused and her misery at bay. And she was also now increasingly driven to do well and get the hell out of there. Out of South Carolina. Away from Lousiana. Somewhere without such painful experiences, somewhere she could begin her life anew.

Her dorm was filled almost entirely of freshman, which ended up being far from desirable. The thrill of being on their own, away from parents was blatantly evident among the residents, because so many of them began to go overboard with this newfound freedom. There was often loud music bleeding into Tara's room from blaring music nearby, or there was screaming and obnoxious laughter in the hallway from staggering, boisterous drunk students in the hall. The RA was rather useless, and Tara didn't want to spark any animosity by telling people to keep it down, so she simply avoided being in her room as much as possible. She would do her work in the library or downstairs in the lounge. And she didn't speak to anyone. But a couple weeks passed in the semester and she eventually ended up meeting someone, much to her surprise.

Tara was unlocking the door to her room, having just returned from classes. She heard a rustling behind her and turned her upper body to see a girl doing the same from directly across the hall.

Tara wasn't going to say anything, but she saw that the girl was peering at her with a warm smile. Tara tried to reciprocate, curling her lips up slightly before looking away again.

"Hi!" the girl announced brightly.

"Hi," Tara said softly.

"I was wondering who was staying across from me," the girl giggled. "I'm Anna," she added.

"Tara," she replied, now turning to face her completely.

The girl reached out her arm and Tara shook her hand. The fact that someone was simply making an effort to talk to her was unusual, so she didn't quite know how to act.

The girl was short, coming up to Tara's chest, and she had milky skin and wavy chestnut hair that reached just past her shoulders. She had a small frame but had soft curves and a bit of a tummy. She wore a navy skirt that fell just above her knees and a blue and red halter-top. She had large green eyes and long, thick eyelashes. She had an extremely youthful face and she was rather pretty.

"Do you have a roommate?" Anna asked.

Tara shook her head. They were both at the very end of the hall, which she figured was designated for singles, so the girl wasn't surprised.

"Me neither," she responded. "I mean, I didn't _mind_ the idea of having one, but I thought it would be better when my boyfriend visits to not have to worry about taking too much room, you know?"

Tara nodded politely. The girl seemed really nice, but she was in one of those moods where all she wanted to do was crawl in bed and wallow for the next three hours.

"Are you liking the school so far?" Anna queried.

Tara scratched her leg and stood there a little awkwardly. "Um, I'm not a freshman…" she murmured.

"Oh," Anna replied. "Okay."

She didn't question her any further, because Tara seemed to be a little embarrassed about it, even though Anna didn't think it was anything to be self-conscious about.

"Well I gotta grab something and take off, but we should hang out sometime!" she smiled. "Everyone else on the floor seems to already know each other or something. Maybe it's because I missed welcome week? I've tried talking to them before, but… whatever. So yeah, we should do something when you're free!"

Tara was never asked to hang out and she didn't know how she felt about it. She was so used to being on her own that it seemed easier to politely decline and stick to familiar solitude. But the idea of having a friend didn't sound too bad, the more Tara thought about it. It seemed quite nice, actually. She didn't know if she and this girl had anything in common at all, but at the moment that didn't matter.

"Yeah," Tara breathed. "That'd be cool."

Anna smiled again before unlocking her door.

"Awesome. I'll see you later, Tara!"

She waved, and Tara waved back slowly, watching the girl disappear into her room.

XXX

Tara's classes went the same as usual. The only difference was that this year she was speaking up in class more. She might not have been aware of it, but she had grown in confidence greatly over the past several months. She was still quiet and subdued in nature, but there was a self-possession and maturity that was undoubtedly there as well.

When Tara was done with her courses for the day, she'd go to the library to use the computer or she would read for a while before dinner. Other times, she biked around campus, sometimes venturing into the residential neighborhoods, something she enjoyed greatly. The ride was quieter and more peaceful around there, and something about the air seemed fresher there too.

She was diligent in ensuring that she was taking care of herself, trying to make up for the heavy toll she put her body through over the summer. She always ate breakfast, and she went to bed at a reasonable hour whenever she could. She resumed going to the gym to work out, something she didn't have time for over the summer. She always ended up being one of the only women in the weight room, doing bench press and dead lifts around a bunch of sweaty guys. She didn't mind though. Exercising was a big stress reliever for her, and she secretly liked the looks the dudes gave her when they saw how much weight she was able to lift.

She started spending time with Anna too. The first time they did was one Thursday afternoon when Tara was coming home from class. Anna's door was open and she was sitting on her bed with her computer in her lap. She saw Tara in the hallway and her head rose.

"Hey!" she called. "Tara!"

Tara turned around and saw her sitting on the bed.

"Hey," she returned quietly.

'What's up?" Anna asked. "Haven't seen you in a while."

Tara walked across the hall until she was standing in her doorframe.

"Yeah," Tara replied. "It's been a little while."

"What are you doing right now?" Anna inquired.

"Nothing much," Tara murmured. "Was just gonna read for a bit or something."

"You can do that in here," Anna suggested. "I'm not doing much either."

Tara's first instinct was to decline, but she realized she didn't have any real objection to the offer. Anna had already proven herself to be very thoughtful and friendly, so why wouldn't she spend a little time with her?

"Okay," Tara answered, and she walked inside the room.

It was very clear that a girl lived there. The room was just as girly as Anna was in her style and presentation. There was a large pink pillow on her bed, which was covered with a bright blue comforter. A puff of sweet scented air was released into the air every few minutes, and her closet was pinned with a variety of photographs. Some were of her family, some of her best friends from high school, and some of her boyfriend. The inside of the closet was packed with bright, feminine pieces and on her desk was a basket filled with nail polish bottles of assorted shades.

"You can sit over here," Anna invited, gesturing to the long pink pillow that was at the edge of the bed and up against the wall. Anna was against the headboard, sitting cross-legged and she smiled as Tara climbed up and rested her lower back against the pillow. Tara extended her legs and she placed her hands in her lap.

"So what's up?" Anna queried as she scrolled through her facebook newsfeed.

"Not too much," Tara replied quietly.

"How are your classes going?" Anna asked.

"They're fine," Tara responded. She look down and scratched her knee as Anna pressed enter to post something on someone's wall. She then shut the lid of her laptop to give Tara her undivided attention.

They talked for a while. Tara found out Anna was double majoring in anthropology and psychology and Tara told her about herself as well. She learned that Anna was from North Carolina and was very liberal, which was uncommon for where they were. She was extremely passionate about animal rights and eagerly showed Tara a picture of her three dogs from back home when Tara asked if she had any pets.

Tara told her more about Baitz, although she couldn't say much about the social scene. And she didn't share everything about her own life, but she briefly mentioned how she had only grown up with her mother.

Tara learned that Anna decided to apply to Baitz because her boyfriend was at USC and she wanted to be close to him, and she soon found herself unable to stop raving about him.

"What's his name?" Tara asked when Anna was finally winding down a bit with her praise of him.

"Oh!" she laughed. "That's funny, I didn't even tell you, did I! His name is Brett."

Anna practically glowed as she said his name and Tara felt a tiny twinge of jealousy observing this. She could tell they were very much in love and it made Tara miss that feeling deeply.

Anna suddenly wrinkled her brow and shook her head after a moment.

"Oh my god, I didn't even ask about _you_. Do you have a boyfriend?"

Tara laughed subtly through an exhale.

"No," she replied.

"Have you had one before?" Anna asked.

Tara cast her eyes to the opposite wall, her face revealing the barest hint of an amused smile as she shook her head.

"Oh," Anna replied. "That's a shame. You know you're really pretty," she remarked.

Tara chuckled. "Thanks."

"Are there any guys you like right now? Like in your classes?"

Tara smiled as she shook her head again. Anna watched her for a moment, then tilted her head, suddenly curious.

"Have you ever… had a girlfriend?" she asked softly.

Tara rubbed her lips together and took a very small pause. "Yeah," she breathed.

Anna's eyes lit up, proud of herself for guessing correctly. "That's awesome!"

Tara chuckled.

"What was her name?"

Tara's smile faded away as she felt her stomach drop. Now there were specifics she would have to bring up.

"I um… don't really feel like talking about that right now," she said faintly.

"Oh…" Anna responded, chastising herself for being so presumptuous. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay," Tara returned. "Don't worry about it."

"Okay... Anyway, have you seen the trailer for that new Ryan Gosling movie? It looks really good."

"No, I haven't," Tara replied.

"You wanna go this weekend or something?" Anna inquired.

"Yeah, sure," Tara answered.

"Cool," Anna replied. "Brett won't be visiting for a couple weeks so you and I will have more time to do stuff!"

Tara laughed. "Okay."

"Yay," Anna exclaimed, lightly clapping her hands together.

XXX

They may have had polar opposite personalities, but Anna was a breath of fresh air in Tara's life, and for that she was extremely grateful.

They saw the movie on Friday night, then bought some junk food from the C-store downstairs and hung out in Tara's room. Anna insisted on giving her a make over, so she scurried across the hall to her own room and grabbed her large cosmetics bag before returning.

Tara was reluctant, but she let Anna apply her make up thoughtfully and cheerfully. She didn't put too much on, but Tara hardly wore any that even a little bit made a noticeable difference. When Anna was finished, she took a step back and grinned. She bounced up and down a little as she studied Tara's face.

"You look so good!" she squeaked.

She reached for Tara and pulled her up to standing, dragging her over to the mirror.

Tara gazed at her reflection and found herself unable to look away. The mascara and emerald shadow Anna used made her eyes really pop, and her lips had a subtle shimmer and looked even fuller than usual. It was a little too glamorous for Tara's taste, but she couldn't deny that she looked beautiful. Stunning, really. So much so that when she went out again in the future, she would start to put on just a tiny bit of make up herself.

The next night Anna went out to a frat party with some other friends. Tara spent the day reading, then went for a long walk after finishing all of her homework. There was a slight chill in the air so she pulled on a baggy sweatshirt before walking outside. She slipped her hands into the middle pocket and began to wander.

She was no longer in the same state of despair and heartbreak that she was a couple months ago. Still, whenever she was alone, the heavy yearning resurfaced. Pam was so far away. Not even just geographically. But even the memory of her now seemed distant. This made it much more difficult to miss her, because Tara could feel her becoming this abstract idea almost.

She knew she still had her number, that she could still speak with her if she chose to. But she was too afraid. She was scared that hearing Pam's voice would just send her spinning back to that state of complete pain and anguish.

She thought about what Pam was doing. She had never been to California, but she imagined her walking around in perfect sunny weather, laughing with friends, dating some classy, beautiful woman who was her own age. It made her feel like a child, thinking of this. Like an insignificant and naïve little girl, still stuck in school, living in a _dorm_ of all places, pining after this woman who was probably thriving out there in the real world. Tara suddenly felt stupid for thinking she ever had a real future with Pam.

As much as she didn't want to, Tara knew getting over her was what she had to do.

XXX

The semester continued to progress. Time wasn't necessarily flying by, but at least it wasn't dragging along. Anna and Tara grew closer, especially after Anna and her boyfriend broke up.

Anna was devastated, and Tara was sympathetic to her plight because she personally knew how awful it felt. And what was surprising to Tara was that her own words of wisdom that she gave Anna ended up resonating with herself and her own situation as well. It might have been unconscious, but she started to internalize her words of advice; through her comfort of Anna, she was also helping herself get over Pam.

They talked. They cuddled as they watched movies. Sometimes Anna would let Tara use her laptop as she read from her bioanthropology textbook. Anna had always been demonstrative, but lately she had become even more affectionate with Tara, something Tara figured was simply due to missing being close with someone. She didn't mind it. It was nice, actually. Before Pam, Tara had never cuddled with anyone very much. Anna was this sweet, tiny, bubbly girl and it was hard to be low in spirits around her. She had other friends she met after beginning to rush sororities that year, but still, they were very close. And emotionally, Anna opened up the most to Tara out of anyone.

Tara would eventually tell her more about how she grew up. And she'd be surprised to hear that Anna had been through something similar; she had been sexually abused by her step-father when she was younger. She was so cheerful and enthusiastic that Tara never would have guessed she had been through something like that. But it bonded them on another level. Tara could feel herself truly beginning to care for this girl.

XXX

A couple months after her break up, Anna was nearly back to her normal self. As long as no one mentioned her boyfriend, she was fine. One time she even managed to convince Tara to come to a house party with her. She practically dragged her out of the building because Tara had no desire to go. Still, Tara knew it would probably be good to try and socialize, so she got a little dressed up and walked with Anna to the house.

When they arrived, Anna introduced Tara to some of her other friends. They were clearly sorority girls and not the kind of people Tara wanted to be around. She stuck out like a sore thumb, but thankfully Anna never left her side. She got them both solo cups that were filled to the brim with jungle juice, and Tara was grateful for alcohol in a situation like this. The stuff had Everclear in it and was stronger than it tasted, because even after one full cup Tara was past tipsy. She ended up giggling with Anna in the corner about who knows what, and was a little surprised when one of the guys there started hitting on her. Luckily, the music was blaring so loudly that she couldn't hear him very well, and she managed to slip away through the crowd.

By the time it was quarter to three, they were both tired and ready to head home. It was chilly out but they had drank enough that it wasn't uncomfortable to be outside. When they were back at the dorm, Tara was ready for sleep, but Anna pulled her inside her room. She didn't bother turning on her light, so it was very dark as they moved to sit on her bed.

Tara's eyes kept slipping shut. Anna curled up next to her and rested her head over Tara's thighs, nuzzling against her for a few moments. Tara wasn't passed out; she was just very sleepy. It wasn't until she felt Anna begin to trail her fingers up and down the inside of her legs that she opened her eyes.

"So what's it like?" Anna whispered as she traced little circles around Tara's knee.

"What's what like," Tara murmured softly.

"Being with a woman?" Anna asked.

Tara blinked and stared out ahead. She paused for a moment, and then heard the drunken hoots and hollers of a few students from outside breaking the silence.

"I don't know," Tara replied, unsure of how to answer that.

"I bet it's different," Anna remarked, sitting up to scooch in right beside Tara.

"So you've never been with a guy before?" she asked, fascinated.

"Nope," Tara answered quietly.

"That's crazy!" Anna laughed.

They were quiet for a little while, but Anna's curiosity was peaked now.

"Have you ever even kissed a boy?" she queried.

"Yeah," Tara replied.

"Is it different… than kissing a girl?" she pressed.

Tara shrugged lightly. "Yeah, a little."

Anna stared at her with wide eyes. "What's it's like kissing a girl then?"

Tara cleared her throat. "Um… it's a bit softer, I guess."

"Yeah?" Anna returned.

Tara felt Anna scratching her thighs lightly with her fingernails and she cast her eyes to the side.

"So what's your type?" Anna giggled.

Tara swallowed. "I don't know."

All of a sudden, Anna moved so that she was sitting in Tara's lap, straddling her. Her knees dug into the mattress and she placed her hands on Tara's waist. She brought her face right in front of Tara's until their noses were touching. Her breath was hot and smelled of vodka and lemonade.

"Anna…" Tara began, turning her head away.

"What?" she replied innocently. She leaned in and placed a kiss on Tara's cheek.

"Am I your type?" she whispered teasingly, and this time she pressed her lips against Tara's.

Tara's heart was now pounding. She had never viewed Anna in this way. Perhaps if she hadn't been so hung up on Pam she may have, but this was a complete surprise to her.

"What are you doing…" Tara murmured.

"Nothing," Anna said with a smile, and she leaned in to kiss her again.

This time Tara's eyes closed. She felt Anna press her mouth harder onto her own and her lips parted.

Tara may not have expected this, but it wasn't until now that she realized how much she missed this. Being with someone. Being kissed, being wanted. Anna was very pretty. And they were both full of hormones. And Tara was feeling a bit loose at the moment as well.

Tara reached her arms around Anna's waist and tilted her head. Their tongues met and Anna pressed her hips harder into her. She was a good kisser, though a little more predictable than Pam was. Still, Tara forced herself not to think of Pam. And she had been away from her long enough now that it wasn't as difficult as it used to be. Being intimate with someone she was in love with was certainly on its own indescribable level, but that didn't mean Tara couldn't still enjoy herself, couldn't enjoy this. She went with it, and in a way, Pam would probably be happy that Tara was trying to move on.

It was a different dynamic, being with someone her age. Younger than her, actually. She was the more experienced one this time, and Tara realized that she felt less self-conscious this way.

Anna pulled on Tara's forearms, lifting them higher against her back. Tara took the hint and unzipped her dress. She slid the zipper down to her lower back and pulled the straps off her shoulders. Anna grabbed Tara's hands and brought them to her full breasts while she moved her own to cradle Tara's face.

Tara was fully turned on now, and soon the both of them were panting. Anna grinded her hips into Tara's lap and moaned lightly as she felt her hands slip inside her bra. Tara leaned in, kissing her neck and moving one hand up the back of her neck to thread her fingers into her hair. She moved her head lower and breathed against her chest with an open mouth. Anna smelled like apples and cinnamon and it was so nice to feel someone against her. Her skin was so damn soft and Tara liked having a little something to hold onto as she moved her hands to the sides of her hips.

Tara trailed one hand lower until it was between Anna's legs and she brushed her fingers over her underwear. Anna was already wet and her mouth fell open as Tara began to stroke her over her pink thong. Tara turned her head so that her cheek was pressed against Anna's chest and she slid her hand inside her underwear.

She dragged her two fingers up and down the sides of her clit and Anna sighed, beginning to rock her hips against Tara's hand. She hugged Tara's upper back and lowered her head so that her mouth was right beside Tara's ear. Her moans were light and high-pitched, and they way they went straight into Tara's ear was so incredibly hot. Tara varied the speed of her fingers, going faster up and slower down, and then vice versa. She felt Anna cling to her tighter as her legs began to tremble, and moments later she was shuddering against her. She caressed Tara's face for a while as she caught her breath, but moments later Tara sat up and picked her up, placing her down on her back. She pulled her thong off and pushed her legs open, kneeling between them. She picked up her legs and held them open before unhooking her bra and sliding it down her arms. Tara's lips closed around one of her tiny pink nipples and she flicked her tongue as she slid two fingers inside of her. Anna whimpered and her back arched as she reached down to hold Tara's face between her hands.

If Tara hadn't before, she could now fully understand why some people pursued women and sex so often. There was a very specific power and satisfaction that came from touching someone like this, from making them moan, from the knowledge that someone was opening themself and exposing their vulnerability so. Tara curled her fingers and thrust into her harder, and the louder Anna got, the more propelled Tara felt. She forgot about herself, about her own arousal and needs. All she was focused on was making her cry out again, and as she flexed her wrist and rubbed the heel of her palm circularly against her bundle of nerves for a few more movements, she felt her begin to quake. Anna moaned as her abs tensed and her legs began to tremble, held in mid-air like they were. She gripped Tara's shoulders harder as her stomach rose and fell rapidly with each new breath.

Her body eventually relaxed, and she pulled Tara by the nape of her neck and kissed her softly. She gazed up at Tara and smiled at her dreamily.

"That felt so good," she whispered.

Tara was about to smile back, but the comment registered in an odd way to her. And she realized that she was still fully clothed, which also seemed strange. Anna began to play with her hair, but after a few moments an obnoxiously loud Taylor Swift song began to play.

Anna's eyes grew wide. There was only one person who had that designated ringtone on her phone. She quickly crawled to the edge of the bed and reached for her purse. She pulled out her phone and tried to sound as collected as possible when she answered.

"Hello?" she said squeakily.

Tara couldn't hear the other end of the conversation, but she saw Anna promptly sit up and clutch her chest.

"Hi baby," she beamed, almost looking on the verge of tears.

Tara watched her for a moment longer, suddenly realizing who that was on the other end. She knew she shouldn't be here for this, so she stood up and slowly left the room. She waved briefly before closing the door, but Anna didn't see her. The last thing Tara heard as she walked away was a muted cry of "I miss you too" through the door.

Tara went inside her room and lay on her bed. An unpleasant feeling that she couldn't explain or identify suddenly washed over her. Luckily, she was so exhausted that she didn't dwell on it long, because she soon drifted off to sleep.

XXX

The next day Anna came over and excitedly told her that Brett wanted to get back together. Tara smiled as Anna explained everything, and Tara said she was happy for her. She was surprised though, because Anna was acting like nothing had happened the night before. She knew that this is what college students did: got drunk and hooked up. And she didn't want to date Anna. But she couldn't deny that wasn't the least bit hurt by all of this.

Tara realized she shouldn't have expected anything else. They both had been drinking. Anna had been missing her boyfriend. And she had never had a gay friend before. A subtle embarrassment then prodded Tara from the realization that Anna didn't touch her back, or even try to. Tara felt very stupid as she looked back on it all.

The whole thing ended up being counter-productive, because it just made Tara miss Pam more. She missed the way Pam always made her feel so important. The way Pam lit up around her the same way Anna did with Brett. She missed their discussions that could go on for hours and hours, she missed the way Pam looked at her. She missed her gentle smiles and her nurturing spirit.

Tara suddenly grew afraid. What if she never found that again? What if no one could ever make her feel the way Pam did? It made her feel sick.

She decided to go for a long bike ride. She needed to clear her head, and it was a beautiful day to be outside. She didn't even go on a specific route this time, but simply turned left or right onto random streets when she felt like it. It wasn't until an hour later that she noticed a sign and realized exactly where she was. She was on the main road that led to Pam's old neighborhood. She hesitated for a moment, but then made the conscious decision to stay on it.

She turned onto Pam's street and felt nervous all of a sudden. She knew Pam wasn't there. But it had still been so long since she had even seen the place. She saw the house from a distance and climbed off her bike, walking the rest of the way. She stopped in front of the house, standing on the other side of the road just in front of the sidewalk. She couldn't go any closer. She sat down on the curb and just gazed the house. All the memories the two of them had shared there eventually began seeping into her consciousness. She couldn't help but feel a bitter disappointment as she sat there. Those few weeks had been the happiest of her life, and she couldn't help but think they would be the happiest she would ever be. Her heart sank. She wanted it all back. She wanted to _go_ back. But that just wasn't possible.

XXX

_Claremont, California._

Tara's unexpected phone call a couple weeks ago had been on Pam's mind for a while now. Even after she made the decision to stop calling her, Tara was still in her thoughts. Pam kept vacillating between compunction and denial. She tried to reassure herself that this had all been a terrible misunderstanding, that she hadn't done anything wrong. But it was hard not to feel the guilt, because she didn't just feel bad about leaving South Carolina. She also needed to know that Tara was okay. She cared about her and her well-being greatly, and it was difficult not even having the slightest inkling of how Tara was doing and what she was feeling. But Pam knew that it wasn't her turn to reach out to her anymore. Deep down she hoped Tara would when she was ready, but as time went by, Pam would develop the notion that Tara had simply moved on and forgotten about her.

Despite all the concern and rumination, Pam was still in a good place, literally and figuratively. California was her fresh start, yet returning after so long also felt like coming home in a way. She was teaching in the grad program this time, and it was a new and exciting challenge. The M.A. English program was highly prestigious and her students were so different from the ones she had at Baitz.

The job allowed Pam to focus on different material and meet lots of new people. And her classes were much smaller than she was used to, which allowed her to get to know her students better. They were all eager and bright, and Pam found it hard to stay down about anything when she lived somewhere that was consistently 72 degrees and sunny.

Some of her colleagues from five years ago were still there, and they were delighted to see Pam again. And she got in touch with some of her friends from outside school as well, who were equally happy to hear from her again.

One good friend in particular, a woman named Isabel who worked in PR and whom Pam had met a function she had organized for the school years ago, made plans to meet up with her one weekend.

Pam walked into Union on Yale, a joint with one of the best bars in town. She wore a tight charcoal V-neck dress that reached her mid-thighs and had sleeves that ended at her forearms. Her hair was down, sleek and straight, and she had on black T-strap heels. Pam saw Isabel typing on her blackberry as she at the bar. She was just as tall as Pam was and she was extremely striking. She had slender limbs and sleek black hair that reached her mid-back. Her family was from Spain and she had dark, alluring features. She was extremely assertive and confident, and belonged in New York City more than anywhere else. She and Pam had dated for around a year when Pam had first moved to California. They were both too type A to work out, however, as their conflicting personalities led them to butt heads and bicker constantly. Still, they had amazing sex, and even after they broke up they stayed friends and continued to occasionally fool around.

Pam walked up to her and lightly shoved her shoulder. Isabel turned around and looked up from her phone, smirking.

"Hey bitch," she teased.

Pam chuckled. Isabel stood up and they embraced. Isabel kissed her on the cheek and they both sat down.

"You look hot," Isabel commented as she looked Pam up and down.

Pam smiled. "Hey, thanks."

"Thought you would have gotten fat," Isabel uttered plainly.

"Fuck you," Pam laughed.

"What do you want to drink?" Isabel asked.

"Doesn't matter," Pam replied, resting her forearms on the counter.

Isabel got the bartender's attention and ordered them two glasses of Chardonnay. The bartender was in his mid-20s and had that classic, All-American look to him. Isabel started chatting him up for fun and Pam rolled her eyes. Isabel was undoubtedly a lesbian, but she was one of those people who liked to flirt with everyone regardless.

"So how the hell have you been?" she demanded, turning to face Pam after their drinks arrived.

Pam nodded a little too vigorously. "Fine… I've been good."

She wasn't lying, but for some reason the question made her automatically think of Tara. She realized in that moment that she didn't feel like telling Isabel about her and any of that, now and maybe ever.

"So why the fuck didn't you ever call?" Isabel pressed.

Pam's brow wrinkled. "I _did_... sometimes. And we talked via email a bit. You didn't get in touch with me much either," Pam argued.

"Well life's been fucking crazy here. But I missed ya."

Pam smiled. "I missed you too."

It was true. She had made some wonderful friends in Pomona, none of whom could even compare to the acquaintances she had in South Carolina.

"Your tits look good in that dress by the way," Isabel asserted.

Pam rolled her eyes. "You have such a way with ruining nice moments, you know that?" she chuckled.

Isabel shrugged and winked at her, causing Pam to laugh again.

They took their time catching up, but Pam was careful not to share too much of the heavy stuff she had recently been through: her break up, her estrangement from her family, and that dreadful incident with Mark. She kept the conversation light, sticking to complaints about Baitz and South Carolina and whatever else. Isabel talked about her own job too, and briefly touched on whomever she was sleeping with at the moment. Isabel did what she wanted, and _who_ she wanted, and Pam always admired that about her. They had a few more drinks and stayed until they were some of the last ones at the bar. Pam was having such a nice time, and it soon felt to her like she had never left. For just a little while, she forgot about her life in South Carolina. Her time at Baitz. And she forgot about Tara, too, for just a short while.

Isabel hailed them a cab and they went back to Pam's place. Pam stepped inside and placed her purse down and then immediately felt Isabel push her against the wall. Isabel crushed their mouths together and slid her hands under Pam's dress and up her thighs. Pam was a little caught off guard, but she smiled while their lips were still pressed together. They had done this many times before, just not for several years. Their kisses became aggressive and their tongues fought for control. It was always a battle for dominance between the two of them. This time Pam let Isabel win, and she felt herself being shoved into the bedroom. They reached the bed and Isabel swiftly pulled off Pam's dress. They were soon both in their bra and panties and Isabel pushed Pam onto the bed. She pulled off her shoes and then brought her knee in between her legs, pressing against her clit. Pam lifted her upper body, causing her abs to tighten as she reached for her and kissed her more forcefully. Isabel slid Pam's underwear down her legs and brought her hands to Pam's chest. She squeezed and kneaded her breasts and they both opened their mouths, letting their tongues extend past their lips and greet each other. Isabel tugged on Pam's lower lip and then pushed her back down again onto the bed. She unhooked her bra and pulled it off her arms. She turned all her focus to Pam's breasts, licking, sucking, and biting one while tweaking her nipple on the other. She spent several minutes there, lavishing them with attention, and Pam began to wonder if she was ever going to move on to anything else.

"You having fun there?" Pam joked.

"I love your fucking tits," Isabel groaned.

Pam laughed. "Yes, I'm aware."

But Isabel took the hint and moved up, beginning to suck on Pam's neck as she moved her hand lower. She soon reached the apex of Pam's thighs and she couldn't help but smirk.

"Well look who's already soaked," she teased. "Must have really missed me."

Pam rolled her eyes. "Shut up." But she was soon silenced when she felt Isabel push two fingers deep inside of her. Pam's brow furrowed and her eyes slipped shut and Isabel leaned down to bite her neck.

They knew each other's bodies well; they knew how to touch each other. They were very comfortable with the other, and making fun of the other also wasn't uncommon when they were physical. While it wasn't romantic, it was fun, and it always felt really fucking good.

Pam forced herself to open her eyes and she reached up to tug at the black satin straps of Isabel's bra. Isabel pushed her hands away and fucked her harder, beginning to thrust her fingers up. Pam moaned and placed her hands on her stomach, occasionally running them up her body to squeeze her breasts. Isabel guided one of Pam's hand lower, and Pam began to rub her clit as Isabel flexed her fingers and twisted her wrist. Pam circled the pads of her fingers against her bundle of nerves and cried out when Isabel added a third finger and curled all three. She quickened the movements of her fingers and Pam soon found release. She tensed and quivered and she felt a small amount of warm liquid exiting her body and dampening the sheets. Isabel withdrew her hand and leaned down again. Their tongues massaged the other while Isabel rubbed Pam up and down slowly. Pam caught her breath and wrapped her arms around her waist, ready to flip her over. But Isabel pinned her arms down and Pam stayed still. Isabel began sucking on her breasts again while she slowly slid in two fingers again. She eventually added a third slowly and rotated her hand. It wasn't until she added a fourth that Pam realized what was happening.

"_No_," Pam declared.

Isabel smiled. "Yes… You missed it, don't lie."

"I did not…" Pam breathed.

"I'm gonna do it," Isabel stated as she lifted her eyebrows.

"You suck," Pam grumbled.

Isabel chuckled. "I can do that too," she replied wickedly.

Pam groaned, then squeezed her eyes shut when she felt Isabel slowly slip in a fifth finger.

"Relax," Isabel urged.

Pam sucked in a deep breath and felt her limbs melting into the bed.

"You all right?" Isabel murmured.

Pam nodded.

Isabel waited another moment, but then very slowly slipped her knuckles inside, gauging Pam's reaction carefully. Pam's mouth fell open, but her body didn't resist. Isabel eventually folded her thumb inside her fingers and held there for another moment. Pam's chest was heaving and she gradually opened her eyes to look. She licked her lips and soon felt Isabel beginning to apply slow but steady pressure. Pam closed her eyes again and she dug her nails into the bed.

"Fuck," she breathed.

Isabel bent forward and pressed her cheek into Pam's. "Should I keep going?"

Pam nodded again, and felt her slowly start to pump gently. Pam moaned again, biting her lower lip as she reached up to grip Isabel's shoulders. Isabel slowly began to move her arm with a little more speed and force, and she knelt down to bring her mouth between Pam's legs. She began sucking and flicking her swollen bundle of nerves as she continued to move inside of her, and Pam dug the back of her head into the bed. She was panting audibly and her head began to lightly thrash from side to side. Isabel kept going, circling her tongue rapidly as she pumped her other hand steadily. Pam was soon there again, and she gripped the back of Isabel's head hard as she came.

Isabel eventually unclenched her fist and very slowly withdrew her fingers. She ran her hands up and down Pam's smooth thighs and studied her body. Pam reached for her again, and this time Isabel let herself be touched. Pam got on top of her and pulled off her bra and underwear.

They ended up fucking for the next two hours. They did practically everything they could to each other, having fun exploring each other's bodies after so long. There were a few times that Tara entered Pam's mind, particularly when Isabel touched her with an unexpected tenderness, but Pam kept ignoring this.

When they were finished, they both got dressed and Isabel stood up to grab her purse.

"Oh shit," she exclaimed, scrolling through something on her phone.

"What is it?" Pam asked, who was sitting by the top of the bed.

"No, nothing, I just gotta to run."

Pam nodded. Isabel never stayed the night anyway, so this wasn't unusual. Pam started to get up, but Isabel shook her head.

"Nah, it's okay, I'll let myself out. I'll see ya in a bit, all right? And stop being such a cunt and call me once in a while, okay?" She winked and Pam chuckled. She watched her leave, a smile lingering on her face as moved her gaze down to the bed.

She heard the door close and sat there for a while in silence. After a while, her smile faded. A wave of sadness swept through her unexpectedly, and she didn't know why at first. She sat there with a slightly wrinkled brow, trying to understand. Her body was incredibly satisfied and she had had a fun, enjoyable evening. She sat there for a while in confusion, chewing on the inside of her lip.

It was only when she looked around the empty room and then down at the bed that she was finally reminded of what it was. She was still alone.

XXX

Tara and Anna remained friends, but after that night Tara became much more guarded. She started to work mainly at the library again, and Anna herself wasn't around as much because of her new sorority life. When they did hang out, Anna was still super friendly and touched her a lot, but Tara never really reciprocated.

Tara was essentially back to living like she did in her first two years at school. Keeping to herself, reading on her own, and studying hard. Being by herself was a challenge, because it was so easy for her mind to travel to Pam as she sat there in still silence. But gradually, she thought of her less and less every day. There were bad days, of course, when she would cry in her bed and hold herself tight, feeling so incredibly lonely. But most of the time, she was just fine.

She wasn't necessarily happy, but she also wasn't in pain anymore. She told herself there were bigger things ahead of her, and that's all she put her mind to. She had stopped writing for a while because it had been impossible to write about anything other than Pam. But she eventually resumed doing so when she was in a better state of mind, and she remembered just how much she loved it. So she began to write, every day, even if it was just a page or two. And this would soon become as daily and habitual an activity as brushing her teeth.

The months passed. Fall semester was over. She didn't go home for Christmas. Then it was spring break. Pretty soon it was May of next year and she was graduating in a mere week. She didn't care about the actual ceremony, but Anna insisted she do it, telling her it was a tradition and it was something she'd regret it if she missed it. It was 60 dollars for the cap and gown, but Tara paid for it anyway.

She took all her exams and it was a very strange feeling to be finished with them. She was essentially done with undergraduate school. She had no idea what her life was going to be after this. She knew that she immediately would need to start working to save up money, but after that, she didn't have a clue. There were countless possibilities, something that was as thrilling as it was daunting. But Tara was ready to go. It was what she needed the most.

On the day of the graduating ceremony, Anna told Tara that she and Brett would be sitting out in the audience waiting for her. Tara thought it was very sweet that Anna was going to be there, but it still hurt to think that she was probably the only one out there who wouldn't have any family watching her. If she wasn't so far away, she was sure her cousin would want to come. But Lettie Mae probably didn't even know what day it was, let alone that her daughter was graduating from university, with highest distinction at that.

Tara hadn't thought about Pam in a while, but as she stood in line, waiting to walk across the stage to receive her diploma, she wondered what it would have been like if Pam had been there. To look out and see her sitting in the audience, beaming warmly at her, glowing with pride. But Tara forced herself to push away this thought. It was stupid.

What Tara didn't know is that Pam _had_ thought about this though. As the school year came to an end at Pomona, she couldn't help but think about Baitz, and how things were going there. She truly considered going back to see Tara walk. It could have been a really sweet surprise. Pam had even checked to see how much a flight would cost to get over there.

But it didn't feel right. Pam just didn't feel right about it. She had no idea if Tara wanted to even see her again. Their last conversation had completely crushed Tara, and Pam didn't want her presence to make everything worse for her. She wasn't sure if Tara hated her, if surprising her with a visit would simply fuel further resentment. It was so difficult to know what Tara was feeling without any communication, so Pam figured keeping her distance was safer.

So she carried on with her own life. And after thoughts of Tara's graduation passed, she didn't think about her very often. Nor did she think about love or relationships much anymore. Whether it was conscious or not, Pam somehow internalized the belief that she was never going to have that again. It could have been a depressing thought, but it actually made everything easier for her. There was no expectation, thus no disappointment. Pam learned to live her life only focusing on what she was grateful for, and for what she had. She slowly forgot that what could bring her the most joy and fulfillment in her life was still missing.

_**A/N**__ Just another note, I know there isn't much in the next chapter, but I wanted to give you a little idea of what was coming up for the story which is why I've included it. _


	16. Chapter 16

_4 years later._


	17. Chapter 17

_**A/N** Sorry for the wait again. Would love to hear your thoughts. xoxo_

It was a Wednesday afternoon and Pam was in between classes for the day. She walked into her office and had a seat, ignoring the stack of papers that sat right beside her laptop. It was near the end of spring semester and she was barraged with work. These weren't simple, doable five page papers that needed grading; these were theses, anywhere from 50 to sometimes 100 pages in length. She had a headache, and not the kind she used to get before she started using reading glasses a few years back. It was a stressful time of the year, and being cooped up in her office so much was starting to weigh down on her.

Pam picked up her phone and checked her messages. One was from Isabel asking if she could come to a function with her on the weekend. Pam replied back declining; she wouldn't have the time. Isabel had also been dating someone for over eight months now, and it changed the dynamic between them significantly whenever Pam was there. It was hard not to feel like the third wheel when Isabel was practically feeling up her girlfriend every chance she got. Pam had become more of a recluse in the past few months, but she knew it was all by choice. She could always reach out to her other friends, some of whom occasionally tried to make plans with her, but for some reason she was losing the desire to go out very often. She didn't know why this was, but it's how she felt.

She opened up her email and looked through the unread messages in her inbox.

**Invitation to connect on LinkedIn**

_Pam,_

_I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn._

_Nick._

* * *

**Faculty Meeting Rescheduled**

_Sorry for the late notice, but we will be meeting in the upper conference room this Friday at 2PM instead of our usual Thursday at 4PM. Thank you._

* * *

**meeting this week**

_Hi Professor Beaufort,_

_I was wondering if your office hours would be different this week because of exams? I would really love to talk with you about my work (and hopefully progress) this semester and was wondering when you might be available to meet?_

_Thanks and let me know!_

_Cynthia Wallis _

* * *

**FW: LARGE GARAGE SALE - LOTS OF BOOKS!**

_Large Church Garage Sale_

_WHERE: Claremont Presbyterian Children's Center_

_ 1111 N Mountain Ave_

_ 909-624-9693_

_WHEN: Friday (5/5) - 8:00am to 4:00pm_

_ Saturday (5/6) - 8:00am to 2:00pm_

_Lots of household items._

_A room full of at least 2,000 books. Low prices!_

* * *

**Customer Feedback Survey**

**_ITS Support Center_**

_to pbeaufort_

_Customer Feedback Survey_

_The ITS Support Center answered a question for you recently and would appreciate some quick feedback about your experience with our service._

_Please take a moment to complete the very brief survey (only four questions) at the link below._

_If you are in need of immediate assistance, please contact your local Support Center._  
_Sincerely,_

_Steven Hurtado,_  
_Support Center Manager_

* * *

Pam sorted through them all, deleting some and replying to others. She received so many emails that she was practically on automatic pilot, eyes scanning the text almost unconsciously. She clicked the next message and crossed her legs as she began to read.

**Upcoming Meeting for Summer Volunteers and PPA semester internships. Please Forward.**

_This Monday, May 8__th__ in Millikan from 5:00PM-6:30PM will be a meeting with a representative from the Legal Aid Foundation of Los Angeles looking for volunteers for the summer. The meeting will also discuss interest in fall and spring semester internships for public policy analysis majors. The internship will fulfill 3 credits towards 300-400 level requirements, and for graduating students, openings have been known to potentially go to those in volunteering and assisting positions. _

_PPA majors have already been contacted, but please forward to your students about volunteer opportunities. For more information, contact the foundation's representative Tara Thornton at (323) 801-7991._

* * *

Pam had swiftly skimmed the message, and it wasn't until she clicked the forward button and looked over the text one more time that her eyes widened, finally registering what she had just read.

_The foundation's representative Tara Thornton._

_Tara Thornton._

Pam stopped breathing.

She blinked rapidly at the screen as her brow furrowed and her eyes began to travel around the room.

_Tara._

That was a name she never would have expected to read or hear ever again. Pam sat there motionless, trying to wrap her head around this all. A million different questions were soon flurrying around in her mind and she could feel her heart rate quickening.

She was in California? Only 40 minutes away from her?

Pam clearly knew she was working with an organization, but how long had she been there? Why was she contacting Pomona? Did she know Pam was still there? Did she want Pam to come see her? Did she even care?

Pam's mind couldn't stop racing. She didn't know what to do. But she couldn't ignore this, could she? The thought of seeing Tara after all these years was something she couldn't even wrap her head around, but Pam knew she had to go. She had to, right? If not simply because the curiosity was overwhelming.

What would she say when she got there? How should she be? Was it okay to show up simply to say hi? Was that strange? How would Tara receive her? How was Tara at all? What was her life like now?

Pam needed to slow down and take a breath. But it was hard not to feel the rush of memories the two of them had shared tugging at her, prompting her, haunting her. She couldn't help it. She had stopped consciously thinking about Tara a long, long time ago. Only occasionally would she ever cross her mind in passing, through some scent or sound or even some passage she was reading in a novel. Tara had become a distant memory at most, and this was throwing everything out of whack for Pam.

Tara was more than simply an ex for her. She represented a crucial part of her life. A different world, even. It was hard not to think of their last interactions, and then of all of her last moments in South Carolina so many years ago. She thought of her parents and that horrible splitting. Her sisters occasionally updated her on what was going on with the family, but Pam hadn't spoken to her father and mother since. She knew she was dead to them. She had said goodbye to so many people and so many things when she came to California, but even four years later, the emotions weren't so dulled that they didn't feel real. She could recollect the pain and frustration she was going through then perfectly. Just because she hadn't thought about this all, truly thought about this for so long, didn't mean she had forgotten.

Pam forced herself to go through the rest of her emails, and then tried to do some grading before her next class began. It was of little use though. She was too distracted. She kept conjuring up images in her mind of Tara, imagining what she would be like now. She had absolutely no idea what their encounter would be like. The meeting was a few days away, but even now Pam was visibly tense.

For the next few days, it would be impossible to think about much else. Pam was full of doubt, confusion, and apprehension, but she knew she had to go. There was no question that she was going. She just hoped she would somehow pack up the courage to do so when the time came.

XXX

When it was finally Monday, she for some reason felt calmer. Perhaps this was because she realized that she was fretting for no reason. Nothing terrible was going to happen. Even utter enemies she once had in high school were amiable and sweet when she met them years later at school reunions. Time was a remarkable thing. Still, Pam's blood pulsed a little quicker in her veins that entire day.

She didn't know what she should wear. She naturally liked to dress up in her daily life, but didn't want to seem overdressed for this, as if she was deliberately trying to impress. She ended up slipping on an off-white MaxMara platone skirt and a Bari top. With a thick leather belt round her middle it gave the illusion that she was wearing a dress that reached her mid-thighs. She pinned her hair back and put on a pair of simple red heels.

She didn't know what time she should get there. She wasn't a student and didn't need to actually attend the meeting, but would coming later appear rude? Would she appear too conspicuous by showing up halfway through? She eventually decided to arrive a few minutes before the meeting ended so as not to interrupt the discussion, but still be able to say hi to Tara before she left. So she left her place and began to drive over to Millikan Hall, desperately hoping that the meeting hadn't ended early.

She parked in the nearest lot and stepped out of her car, straightening her dress as her heart began to pound in her chest. She slowly made her way towards the building and pulled the door open before walking inside. Her heels clicked against the floor but she took gentler steps to mute the sound. She followed the signs taped to the walls and eventually reached the right room. The door was open and she very cautiously stepped in closer.

She looked around. There were around fifteen young people in the room, conversing with each other now as the meeting appeared to be over. Some were sitting in chairs and others were standing in small circles.

Pam's eyes scanned them deliberately and she turned her head a little more, trying to stay calm.

And then she saw her.

Tara was sitting on the classroom's desk, smiling as she listened to a girl who stood in front of her telling her about herself.

She looked stunning. Her hair was no longer braided; it was straight and relaxed, pulled back into a low ponytail, a little shorter than it used to be. She wore dark skinny jeans and a purple leather Moto jacket over a white button down. Her face was glowing; her skin looked smooth and radiant and her dark eyes were sparkling.

She looked older. More mature. Poised and confident. Pam stood by the door, transfixed. She was sure she had stopped breathing altogether. She watched on, seeing Tara's smile grow in a grin as she placed her hands in her lap and nodded at something the girl was saying.

It was just past 6:30 now, and students that were still there gradually began to leave. Pam automatically stepped to the side, but she was still standing in the door-frame, unable to move any closer inside the room. One guy accidentally brushed against her shoulder too hard as he was leaving, causing Pam's upper body to jerk back from the impact. Pam never flinched though. Her eyes remained on Tara, gazing at her with a dazed, captivated, and sentimental stare. There was an inexplicable trace of sadness in her eyes as she looked on, her gaze never wavering.

The classroom was now noticeably quieter, now only a small hum filling the air. There were still a few students in the back conversing, but the girl speaking with Tara was wrapping it up. When she reached her hand out, Tara smiled again and shook it eagerly. The girl walked away and headed for the door, squeezing past Pam, who was peering at a now unaccompanied Tara.

Tara looked to the back of the room at the people who were still there quietly socializing. She was in no rush, so she wasn't trying to non-verbally hint that they should leave. When she observed that none of them seemed to have questions for her, she cleared her throat and looked down to adjust the buttons on one of her sleeves.

A few moments later, she lifted her head again and this time noticed something in her periphery. She turned her head, now looking towards the exit.

And there she was.

Pam stood there, her lips gently closed, her breath as faint as a whisper.

Their eyes finally met, and neither of them found themselves able to look away.


	18. Chapter 18

_**A/N**__ I know, I know, this chapter is barely anything, but it's something, right? I will try my damndest to have a more substantial chapter up tomorrow. Life is crazy but I know it's tough waiting for updates! Hang in there. xoxo_

* * *

They held each other's gaze for a while. Tara had a small smile on her face, but Pam looked utterly spellbound. It wasn't until Tara began to speak that she even seemed to blink or stir at all.

"Pam," Tara said warmly as her smile widened.

Pam stood peering at her for another moment, but finally snapped out of it. She slowly walked over to the desk and saw Tara stand up. Tara leaned in and extended her arms, and Pam eventually realized that Tara was trying to embrace her. She lifted her arms, allowing Tara to wrap her own around her waist and pull her close. Pam suddenly became overcome with emotion as her cheek greeted the side of Tara's head. Tara smelled just like she always did and it flooded Pam with an overwhelming rush of memories. She lightly draped her arms around Tara's body, still in a state of shock to properly hug her back.

Tara held her close for another moment, and Pam felt a tug of disappointment when she pulled away. Tara stepped back and leaned against the desk, giving Pam another smile that would end up lingering there for the entirety of their conversation.

"Hi," Tara said brightly, resting her palms on the desk behind her.

"Hi," Pam returned softly, still taking her in.

"I was hoping I'd see you here," Tara stated cheerfully.

Well that was one question answered. Tara _did _want to see her. But for what reason was still a mystery.

Pam studied her some more, tempted to shake her head as she gazed admiringly at her.

"You're so grown up…" she remarked faintly, her eyes gleaming as her lips curled up subtly.

Tara chuckled and shrugged shyly. "Yeah."

Tara looked down at her lap for a moment before speaking again.

"You look just like I remember though," she commented softly, lifting her head.

They locked eyes again, and Pam felt a distinct flutter in her stomach. They stayed like this for few more moments and eventually heard a rustling from the back of the room. The rest of the students who were still there were beginning to leave. One of them waved briefly and Tara nodded as she smiled politely at them all.

"Thanks for coming out, you guys. Hopefully I'll be seeing you soon."

The group walked out the door, and after the sound of their footsteps disappeared into the hallway, the room became noticeably quiet.

Pam shifted her stance, feeling a little awkward. She was being exponentially shyer than usual and didn't know what to do with herself. Luckily, after a few more moments, Tara spoke again.

"Well, we should probably leave before they lock the building," Tara began.

"Oh, right... of course," Pam replied.

Pam suddenly felt a heavy disappointment in the pit of her stomach. Was that it? Were they done? Was she supposed to just go back home now?

She was about to turn and reluctantly head out of the room, but Tara began to speak again as she reached over for her bag.

"Do you want to go grab a coffee or something?" she asked casually as she tucked a stray stand of hair behind her ear.

Pam held still for a moment, but was soon unable to stop herself from smiling fully now. She bit her lower lip and gazed at Tara with her sparkling, steel blue eyes.

"Yeah," she answered softly. "I'd love that."


	19. Chapter 19

_**A/N**__ This was only part of the chapter I was planning to write, but I didn't want to make you guys wait too long so I'm posting what I have so far now. Would really love to hear what you think about this one. Also, the amount of research I've been doing! From grad programs and their degrees and tuitions, to cities and demographics in Los Angeles, etc etc etc. Learning a lot, lol! _

_xoxo._

* * *

There was a small coffee place right off campus, so they just walked. It was dinnertime but Pam didn't know if she could really eat right now anyway. They stepped out of the building, walking side by side on the pavement illuminated by dull, amber streetlights. Their shoulders occasionally brushed against each other because Pam seemed to have forgotten how to walk, let alone in a straight line. They were quiet for a while, simply adjusting to the other's presence. Tara couldn't stay silent for long though.

"So are you enjoying teaching here?" she asked as she slipped her hands into her pockets.

Pam nodded as she felt Tara turn to look at her.

"Yeah," she replied. "It's a busy time right now, but it's a wonderful place to work. I like it a lot."

Tara smiled. "That's great. I'm glad you're happy."

Pam cast her eyes down to the sidewalk and swallowed. A few days ago, despite being rather stressed and exhausted, she wouldn't have disagreed with this assertion. But Tara suddenly resurfacing in her life was doing something to her. She could already feel herself beginning to question just how content she truly was. She did love her job- this was her dream world that she got to return to- but she was starting to realize that there were certain things she had given up on a while ago. And gradually, as she would begin to spend more time with Tara, she would come to realize just how much she missed them.

Pam inconspicuously shook her head, snapping herself out of her musing and forcing herself to actively engage with Tara.

"So how long have you worked with the Legal Aid foundation?" she queried, stepping a little to the left when she accidentally bumped into Tara's shoulder again.

"A few months," Tara answered. "Before that I was back in Louisiana, working with some of the communities from around home. And before that I was in grad school."

"Oh yeah?" Pam returned. "What was your degree in?"

"International and Development Economics," Tara replied.

"Where did you study?" Pam asked.

"Yale."

Pam's brow instantly shot up. "Wow…" she breathed, and a moment later her lips curled into a smile. What she always knew Tara was capable of had become a reality. She never doubted it for a minute, but she still swelled with pride.

"I was lucky," Tara began. "There aren't a lot of schools that really help out when it comes to tuition. After I worked for about a year after undergrad saving up money, I first looked at Northwestern. They have a master's program in public policy and administration, which was exactly what I wanted. They weren't very helpful or accommodating though."

"That's a shame," Pam murmured.

"Yeah. But I mean, I got a lot out of where I was," Tara added.

"I bet," Pam responded.

They eventually reached the coffee shop and walked inside. It was one of those hipster places, where band posters were pinned all over a large bulletin board on the wall, vegan pastries were unquestionably sold, and music by the Decemberists and Bright Eyes was constantly playing. One of the baristas was thin and pale and had relatively short, blonde hair with burnt orange highlights and a couple text tattoos on her arms. She had a tiny stud in her nose and a loose, blue beanie at the back of her head.

The place was rather unoccupied; a few couples sat at circular tables in the corners of the room. Tara ordered them both plain cups of coffee while Pam pulled up a stool, sitting at a counter that faced a glass window with a view of outside. She watched cars whizz by on a nearby road and studied the occasional pedestrian who walked by. She waited in silence, still working on letting this all sink in. Tara being here was such a strange sensation. Like two different worlds of hers were colliding. It wasn't unpleasant, just unusual. She crossed her legs and chewed on the inside of her lip.

She eventually turned around when she heard Tara's voice from afar. She saw Tara standing by the cash register, leaning forward on her forearms as she chatted with the barista. The girl had a telling smile on her face and her eyes were glinting and focused. Pam saw Tara laugh, gently yet genuinely, and the girl tucked an auburn strand of hair behind her ear as she peered at her with doe eyes.

Pam watched this Tara. So confident. So magnetic. She didn't even feel jealous, because who could blame the poor girl? The only tiny, pressing worry she had was if Tara was deliberately flirting with her or if she was just being naturally charming and responsive. She didn't observe them for long, but when she turned around again she saw the girl writing something down on a slip of paper that she then handed to Tara. Pam knew it could be anything on there, but she bit her lip so hard that she almost bled. Still, she knew she had no right to be upset about this. They weren't together anymore.

Tara eventually walked over to where Pam was, placing the drinks on the counter and sitting on a stool beside her. She smiled at Pam, who curtly did the same.

"So what courses have you been teaching?" Tara asked.

"I'm part of the MFA English program concentrating in creative writing," Pam answered. "Fiction, specifically. But there is another similar degree with a focus in poetry that I've been thinking about trying to teach next year. Just for a change."

"That's great," Tara replied. "I'm sure your students are learning a lot," she said warmly.

Pam chuckled. "Well, I wasn't very popular back at Baitz…"

A memory then popped into Pam's mind and this time, she didn't ignore it.

"I always felt so guilty watching you stay up so late to finish all your reading on some nights… If it was too much for _you, _it was undoubtedly too much for the rest of the students. No wonder they hated me," she added teasingly.

"They didn't hate you," Tara retorted. "You just expect a lot of your students. That's how it should be."

Pam wasn't entirely convinced. But she didn't really care anyway; she was just being silly.

"And I only procrastinated and stayed up late finishing my work because I wanted to spend more time with you," Tara stated plainly.

Pam knew she was the one that briefly referenced them living together all those years ago, but Tara's words went straight to her very core. Tara had said it in such a blasé way, but there was so much behind it. So strange, how their life together was so far away and so long ago, and yet not. Pam remembered their time together perfectly. Sleeping in each other's arms, curling up together on the couch, laughing and talking and growing and just, _living_. Fully. Tara being here with her now was an inescapable reminder of just how wonderful it had all been.

Pam could feel herself getting carried away though. The past was the past, and she was not one to dwell on it. She forced herself to stop reminiscing, reminding herself that this was not South Carolina, this was not four years ago, and this was not the same situation.

"So what does your work with the Legal Aid foundation entail?" she asked, steering the conversation somewhere new. "It's a legal clinic for the homeless, right?"

Tara nodded. "Yeah. I work with organizations that lobby with the local government."

"What made you come to LA?" Pam queried.

"Well, there is a vast amount of poverty and homelessness here. There's that. But I also find the ethnic make up of the city so distinct from anywhere else in the country. I mean just the other day I was in one part of town and met people from Cambodia, Thailand, Japan, Korea, The Phillipines, and China all in a matter of hours. I think it's fascinating, how unique this place is. So that aspect contributed to my decision to come here as well, when I was ready to leave Louisiana and venture somewhere new."

"Where do you live?" Pam asked.

"Silver Lake."'

Pam nodded. That seemed like a relatively good fit for Tara. Lots of diversity and creative people, a great place for music lovers, and not to mention a large gay population.

"There's some lovely architecture there," she remarked.

"Yeah," Tara agreed. "It's been getting increasingly gentrified though, which is unfortunate."

Pam nodded again. "True."

"Do you ever get out of Claremont and visit other cities around here?" Tara queried.

"Sometimes," Pam answered. "To do a little shopping. I am guilty of being one of those women who occasionally frequents Rodeo Drive..." she admitted with a twinge of embarrassment.

Tara grinned. "I can believe that." And for the briefest moment she looked Pam up and down, admiring her outfit.

Pam smiled. "What can I say," she said teasingly as she shrugged, and she placed her left hand over her right to fiddle with a white gold ring on her ring finger.

"I don't think you have any desire to go there," Pam noted with a laugh.

Tara chuckled. "Yeah, that's not really my thing... The whole Hollywood thing too, I don't really care for. I didn't move here for those places."

"No, of course not," Pam replied. "I find myself going a little crazy if I stay in places like that too long."

She took a small sip of her coffee. "Lots of beautiful women though."

Pam said this simply in passing, but she saw Tara tilt her head as she squinted.

"I guess. Not my type though."

Pam glanced at Tara and then their eyes locked. Pam felt another flutter inside her tummy.

"_Oh,_ by the way," Tara began, ending that moment as she had a new thought. "I forgot to tell you earlier. I read your novel."

Pam immediately felt a scarlet heat flush her cheeks. A novel she had written had been published two years back. It had done quite well, both review-wise and sales-wise, and Pam was still receiving decent royalties in the mail for it. But there were some elements in the book that she had directly drawn from her relationship with Tara, things only Tara would be able to pick up on. Pam always used aspects of her own life as inspiration and didn't apologize or hold anything back when she wrote, but Tara's comment did catch her off guard. Especially knowing she had read such intimate things when they were no longer together.

"That's amazing," Tara added. "Congratulations." She knew Pam had been published before, but this latest work was her most successful to date.

"Thank you," Pam returned.

"The way you delve so far into your characters' complex and contradictory psyche while still managing to communicate it so simply is just incredible."

Pam smiled. "That's very sweet."

Tara raised her eyebrows. "I mean it," she pressed. "I couldn't put it down."

Pam gazed at Tara and suddenly wished she could touch her. Just a simple stroke of her cheek. Or a squeeze of her hand. It was such an odd dynamic they shared right now; their time apart made them feel like strangers in some ways. But they had once been so close. As intimate as two people could possibly be. It was difficult knowing what was allowed, and what was strange or too much.

XXX

They finished their coffees and sat there talking for over an hour. It wasn't until Pam's phone vibrated inside her purse that she realized what time it was.

"I'm so sorry Tara, but I should really get back. I have so much grading I still need to do…"

"No, it's totally fine," Tara countered. "I have some stuff I need to get done as well."

Pam nodded and smiled sympathetically. They both stood up and went outside. Tara walked her to the parking lot, and when they arrived, Pam took out her keys and pressed a button to unlock the doors.

"You got a new car," Tara noted, eyeing the dark blue sedan in front of her.

"I did," Pam replied. "A couple years ago. Nothing fancy," she said with a smile.

Tara pushed her fingers into her jean pockets and watched Pam open the door and place her purse down on the passenger's side.

"So when can I see you again?" she asked coolly.

Pam chuckled, thankful that her reddening cheeks were obscured at night. She still didn't know what this was, but either way, she truly wanted to see Tara again.

"Um, the semester officially ends on Friday so I'll have finished all my work by then," Pam answered.

"Great. Saturday night then?" Tara suggested.

Pam smiled. "Sure."

"We can grab dinner," Tara added.

Their eyes met again, and Pam fiddled nervously with the keys in her hand.

Tara leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled, though it wasn't very revealing. Pam couldn't tell if she was just being friendly and thoughtful or something else. This newfound confidence she was witnessing made Tara's actions and intentions very difficult to interpret.

"Drive safe," Tara urged.

"You too," Pam returned, and she got inside the car and closed the door. Tara moved to the side and Pam reversed, driving away with even more questions in her head.


	20. Chapter 20

_**A/N**__ I didn't think I would write this much, so again I'm only posting part of what I planned on. But I think I ended the chapter in a place that makes sense. Once again, your comments are really helpful for me to know how you are interpreting and reacting to the story so far! xoxoxo_

* * *

Pam was once again distracted in the midst of all the work she was swamped with. She kept replaying her interactions with Tara over and over again, analyzing every moment they shared, each time with the hope of uncovering Tara's true intentions. Did Tara get that barista's number? Was she with someone else? Was Saturday night a date? Was she waiting for Pam to say something?

This whole reunion had happened so unexpectedly that Pam wasn't prepared; she didn't know this would all affect her so much. It was difficult to sit calmly at her desk and grade papers when she now had the knowledge that Tara was out there, not so far from her, and that she was back in her life wanting to see her. It was bizarre and unexpected. But still, wonderful. There was a newfound energy and enthusiasm deep within Pam. It spurred her into getting up just a little faster in the morning. Into getting her mind off of work for a change. Into truly looking forward to something.

She sat at her desk with a pen clutched between her fingers, at times having to read a paragraph or even a page over when she realized she was thinking about Saturday night again. Was it a date? What was going to happen? What did Tara want to happen? Was she going to act differently than she had before?

Pam knew she had to stop. Thinking about it so much wouldn't make the days go any faster. She had just never been in a situation like this before and it was difficult not to dwell on it. Even the idea of a date had become foreign to her. She had convinced herself, consciously or not, that she would never find love again, so even promising first dates with interesting, beautiful women never really became second dates. Sometimes Pam would sleep with them, but there wasn't much emotional investment there. She didn't realize this, but she hadn't actually been emotionally invested with anyone since Tara. Perhaps that was why she was so affected by their reunion. Emotions and desires were starting to resurface that hadn't been there in years. And they would only intensify each time she saw Tara again.

XXX

It was finally Saturday and Pam felt like her heart was fluttering all day. She spent the day cleaning to do something productive and try and clear her mind. She invited Isabel over in the late afternoon because she needed someone to talk to and knew Isabel always told it like it is, even when Pam didn't want to hear it.

"Is this too dressy?" Pam asked as Isabel sat on her bed and looked up at her.

Pam was wearing a green Chenille bodes sleeveless knit dress that fell just past her mid-thighs.

"Damn, you look sexy as hell," Isabel declared.

Pam furrowed her brow and shook her head. "No, that's the point, I don't know what this is so I don't want to look too done up. For all I know she is coming over in jeans and a tank top and wants to grab a burger."

"I can't wait to see her," Isabel smirked. "Can't believe you fucked your student, Pam. So proud of you."

"Can you not?" Pam urged before turning to walk inside her closet again. "And please promise you won't hit on her."

Isabel smiled wickedly. "Why? 'Fraid I'll steal her away from you?"

Pam stuck her head out of the closet and peered at her. "First of all, you have a girlfriend so you need to stop. Secondly, I told you that I don't know what this is; I never said it was a date."

"It's a date," Isabel leered.

"You don't know that," Pam returned.

"Even if it's not, who wouldn't bang you in that dress? Hey, you think I can borrow it for this event next week?"

"You are so not helpful," Pam retorted.

Isabel sighed. "Can you stop stressing out? Just see how it goes. Or you know, you could _ask _her. You've never been shy about that before."

"No, I know..." Pam murmured.

"Okay then. So what's your deal?"

"Nothing," Pam stammered. "I just… don't want to make a fool of myself."

Isabel rolled her eyes. "You're being an idiot," she uttered.

Pam glared at her. "Um, excuse me, but you've been rejected before too so don't act like it's this walk in the park putting yourself out there like that."

"But it _is_," Isabel pressed. "Who cares if someone doesn't feel the same way? You move on. To the next person. All you have to do is ask her a simple question. If you don't- I know you- you'll end up agonizing over it forever. I mean, come on Pam, you're 40 years old, stop acting like some insecure middle school girl."

"Fuck you," Pam muttered, and she walked back into her closet.

She blew a breath out past her lips and looked up, staring at the colorful blouses and dresses hanging from racks above her. Isabel didn't get it. This wasn't just anyone. Of course it was easy to move on from some stranger, from any new face. But this was Tara. Pam couldn't bear the thought of being unwanted by her. As she stood there, she realized that just being her friend or acquaintance wasn't enough. That she could never truly see herself being satisfied with that. She wanted more, she wanted Tara fully, and it terrified her that she had come to feel this way after such a brief interaction. If she wasn't so secretly hopeful, she would spend the days deprecating herself, because she really did feel like an idiot for becoming so invested so fast.

And Pam wasn't really upset with Isabel. In a way, she was right. She needed to say something to Tara if she truly wanted to know what they were doing. But for the time being, she hoped she would just find out naturally over the course of the evening. That she would learn what this all was without having to put herself out there with a chance of humiliation.

XXX

Pam did her hair and make up while Isabel filed her nails, replied to some emails, and then ranted about some disastrous function she put together in the last month. Pam wasn't really listening, but she nodded and gave the occasional "uh huh" anyway as she applied a dark red lipstick to her full, plump lips and tousled her hair a bit. She usually wore it up but figured having it down was a little more casual. It was pleasantly long, and her golden, honeyed locks almost reached her mid-back. Her tresses were slightly wavy and had a healthy sheen to them. Pam slipped on a gold necklace and bracelet and smoothed the front of her dress. As she leaned down to open her purse, checking that she had her wallet, she heard the doorbell ring.

Her heart jolted inside her chest and she shot her upper body up to standing. Her eyes began to dart around the room and she tapped the outside of her thigh rapidly with her fingers. She gazed outside of her bedroom at the front door but didn't move. Isabel stared at her with a furrowed brow.

"Are you going to get that?" she asked.

Pam nodded. "Yeah," she said breathily. But she didn't move.

Isabel glared at her for a moment and then slid off of her bed. "For fuck's sake, Pam. What has gotten into you?"

She stood up and walked past her into the living room. She closed the door to Pam's bedroom to give her a minute to herself. Pam stood by her dresser, nervously tapping the wood with her fingernails as she chewed on her lip. What was wrong with her? She was almost as apprehensive as she had been before seeing Tara for the first time on Monday. She leaned against the dresser and fiddled with her bracelet. She held there for a few moments and then sighed. This was ridiculous. She _was_ acting like a sixth grader. She shook her head and rolled her eyes, standing up straight again and moving towards the door. She was being silly for no reason. Everything was going to be fine. A cool rush of confidence swept through her and she suddenly felt better. She opened the door and her eyes moved across the room to where the two of them stood.

There was Tara, dressed in dark wash jeans, a grey striped V-neck sweater, with a metallic Moto jacket over it. Her hair was back in a low ponytail again, and her palms were pressed against her lower back. Isabel reached over and played with the collar of her jacket and Pam cringed as she watched from afar. Luckily, Tara didn't look uncomfortable; she was more amused at the fact that Isabel seemed to have no inhibitions whatsoever. A small smirk graced her face and she almost laughed when Isabel whispered something shameless into her ear. It wasn't until she saw Pam in her periphery that her expression changed. Her smile faded and her eyes glimmered as she took her in.

Pam looked even more beautiful than the last time she saw her and Tara found it difficult to look away. Unfortunately, Pam was too mortified by her best friend's behavior to register any of this. Instead, she smiled briefly and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Hey Iz?" she urged, trying to mask the agitation in her voice.

Isabel didn't hear her, or was ignoring her, because she promptly resumed talking to Tara.

"_Isabel_," Pam pressed.

This time Isabel slowly spun on her heel to face Pam. She stared at her with an innocent "What?" expression on her face.

"Could you help me with something really fast?" Pam asked.

Isabel reluctantly moved towards Pam, but not before giving Tara a wink and a smile. Tara chuckled and slipped her hands into her pockets. She glanced at Pam, who apologetically held up her index finger, signaling that it would only be a minute.

She and Isabel went into her room and Pam closed the door. The moment they were in private, Isabel's jaw dropped and she stared at Pam with wide eyes.

"Holy _fuck_," she exclaimed.

"I told you not to bother her…" Pam reminded feebly.

"She's so hot," Isabel breathed. "Holy fucking shit, Pam." She started pacing the room, holding her hands on top of her head.

"I can't… holy shit, Pam. She's so hot."

Pam sighed. "Yes, you've established that."

"Sorry, but, I had no idea. Damn, who wouldn't sleep with their student if they looked like that?"

"Can you shut the fuck up?" Pam breathed. "She might hear us."

Isabel lowered her voice, and this time when she spoke, it was in a genuinely sweet manner.

"She seems really great, Pam."

Pam swallowed. "She is great."

"And drop dead gorgeous," Isabel remarked as her brow rose.

Pam could have rolled her eyes at Isabel's redundancy, but this time she gazed down at the floor as her eyes sparkled, recollecting properly now how Tara looked.

"Might even be hotter than you," Isabel mused, more to herself than to Pam.

She was expecting a slap, an icy comeback, or something in retaliation, but instead, one side of Pam's lips curled up into a shy smile. She didn't take it as an insult. Because she agreed with her; Tara was one of the most beautiful women she had ever known.

"Can you please get going so you can tell me what the fuck happens?" Isabel urged.

Pam sucked in a deep breath. "It might be nothing," she prompted.

"Bullshit," Isabel returned. "Call me when it's over, all right?"

Pam nodded.

"Cuz if you don't get in her pants, I sure as hell will."

Pam shoved her shoulder. "Will you stop? You're terrible."

Isabel smiled. "I'm just teasing, babe." She took a moment, gazing at Pam sincerely until the two of them locked eyes.

"She really does seem wonderful though," Isabel murmured. "I hope it works out." She leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the lips before moving to grab her own purse.

Pam smiled. "Me too," she whispered as she felt a tiny stab in her stomach. She wished she could be confident about this, but she just couldn't.

XXX

Pam walked out and greeted Tara by the front door. They smiled and quickly said hello before leaving the house. As they walked down the stairs of her porch and moved to Tara's car, Tara turned to look at her with an amused smile.

"Is that your girlfriend?" she asked.

Pam was surprised at the question and her brow wrinkled. She shook her head and moved to place her black clutch under her arm. "No," she chuckled after a moment. "She's a good friend of mine. Sorry if she was all over you."

Tara laughed and then shrugged. "That's okay. I can handle it."

Pam supposed she could. She was sure receiving attention like that wasn't unusual for her at all.

They got inside her car and drove to an Italian restaurant that was fifteen minutes away. Pam was properly dressed for the place, which was a relief. They sat at a table in the back and Pam could feel that former shyness and anxiety reemerging inside of her. She wasn't uncomfortable with Tara, she just wasn't comfortable with not knowing how to be, or what this was. Still, she stayed quiet, hoping once again that she would eventually find out as the evening progressed and they continued to interact.

"So did the end of the semester wrap up well?" Tara asked, placing her menu down beside her after choosing what to order.

Pam nodded. "Yeah, everything went pretty well. This year went by fast."

"Yeah," Tara agreed. "I feel that way too."

They were quiet for a moment, but luckily a waitress came over to take their drink orders. Pam was dying for some wine, but was afraid if she started drinking she wouldn't stop, that she would become overly reliant on it as a way to calm her nerves. Luckily, Tara wasn't having any because she was driving, so it didn't seem unusual for Pam not to have any either.

They started talking again, and eventually Pam stopped her silent fretting and simply began to enjoy Tara's company. They still had a lot to catch up on, and it was nice to no longer have a time limit outlining how long Pam was allowed to stay out now that all her work was done.

They spoke more about California in general, with Pam asking questions about Silver Lake and Tara doing the same about Claremont. Pam told her a little more about Isabel, and she then asked if Tara had made any good friends since moving here. She asked her what grad school was like, and Tara asked her more about what teaching at Pomona was like. Not all their conversations were incredibly interesting, but it was a pleasure simply to be in the other's presence. And to them, learning any sort of aspect of each other's lives was fascinating because they cared so much about the other.

"Are you writing anything right now?" Tara inquired. They were halfway through their meals now, and Pam swallowed a mouthful of risotto before she spoke.

"I am," she answered. "Not much at the moment, but I'll have more time now over the summer."

"Another novel?" Tara queried.

Pam nodded as she sipped her water.

"Great," Tara said with a smile. "I'm sure it will be wonderful."

Pam smiled shyly. "Thank you."

The two of them ate in silence for a few more moments, but this time it was Pam who asked a question.

"Are you still writing?"

"Yeah," Tara replied. "When I can. My ex-girlfriend is a publisher, actually, so she was always pushing me to finish something. It was just hard finding the time to really devote to it when I was studying something else in school. And now with another full-time job."

Pam swallowed. Of course Tara had been seeing other women. She just never realized that it would bother her so much to hear about it. Still, she was curious, and she wasn't going to be immature about it.

"Oh okay. What publishing company is she with?"

"She was with Yale University Press. Now she's with HarperCollins." Tara responded.

Pam nodded. She hesitated for a moment, but then spoke again.

"Where did you two meet?"

"In New Haven," Tara replied. "Her name is Melanie," she added.

Pam nodded again, unsure of how to continue.

"Is she still there?" she asked.

Tara shook her head. "No, she's in England now. Just got married, actually. We still talk a lot though."

"How long were you two together?" Pam inquired.

"Around two years," Tara answered.

Pam was trying to look cool and unruffled, but Tara noticed the slightest, most subtle amount of discomfort in her eyes.

"I think we would have broken up anyway though," she remarked. "Even if she wasn't moving away."

"Oh?" Pam returned quietly.

"Yeah," Tara responded. "She's amazing and I loved her a lot, I just don't think we had a viable future together."

Pam sucked in her lips and stayed quiet. She stared at the table, only eventually moving her eyes to briefly glance at Tara, whom she found was gazing straight at her. Pam quickly looked away and cleared her throat.

They finished their dishes and each politely declined the waitress's request for dessert. When the bill came, Tara picked it up and placed it down in front of her.

"What are you doing?" Pam asked.

"I got it," Tara replied.

"You don't have to do that."

"It's fine," Tara reassured her.

"Let me at least pay for half," Pam insisted.

Tara chuckled. "It's okay, I got it," she repeated.

Pam eventually relented. And then became confused again. Was Tara so insistent on paying to make up for all the times Pam had spent money on her when they lived together? Or because this was a date?

Pam continued with her silent torment as the waitress picked up the bill containing Tara's credit card. When she returned, Tara left a generous tip and they both stood up to leave. They exited the restaurant and walked over to Tara's car. Tara slipped her arm inside Pam's and smiled at her. Just when they were arriving at her car, Tara's phone began to vibrate from inside her pocket. She took it out and glanced at the screen. She stopped walking and looked at Pam for a moment.

"Hey, I'm really sorry but I have to take this. Is that all right?"

Pam nodded vigorously, silently conveying an "Of course." Tara walked away so she was a few yards from Pam and the car, while Pam stood with her arms crossed with a view of Tara's turned back.

"Hi baby," Tara said brightly into the phone. A warm smile spread over her face as she wrapped her free arm around her waist.

"How are you? ... I know… No, I'm out with someone right now. Where are you? … Okay, good. … What did you do today? … That sounds nice… Aw, I miss you too."

Pam's heart sank as she listened. Tara kept talking but it was like Pam couldn't even hear anymore, perhaps because she couldn't bear to. It wasn't until Tara turned around and moved towards her that she checked in again.

"Get some sleep, okay? All right, I'll call you tomorrow. Good night, love."

Tara hung up and slid her phone inside her pocket.

"Sorry about that," she told Pam as she walked over to the car.

Pam swallowed. "You're fine," she mumbled weakly.

"You ready to go?" Tara asked.

Pam nodded briefly. She got into the passenger's side of the car but never looked at Tara for the whole ride back.

When they arrived at her house, Tara got out and walked her to the door. But all Pam wanted to do was be inside by herself, so she moved a little too rapidly over the walkway. Her stilettos clacked loudly against the pavement, and she began to climb the stairs. As she ascended the last step to the porch, she tripped on her heel and fell forward. Tara quickly reached her arms out, wrapping one around Pam's waist while the other pressed against her stomach, holding her securely. She only let go when Pam was back up to standing and she smiled, about to make a light joke about Pam's clumsiness. But Pam didn't look happy. Her heart was pounding and she still couldn't look Tara in the eye, especially now. She fumbled through her keys and leaned down to unlock the door when she found it. She stood up and turned the knob, opening the door halfway. Tara walked closer towards her and tried to capture her gaze.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Yeah," Pam lied, her voice shaky and subdued, still not looking at Tara. Some of her hair was across her face after having bent over.

Tara peered at her curiously, and she then reached up to push a few strands of Pam's hair behind her ear. Pam's lips trembled for a moment, but she promptly pushed the door all the way open and turned her torso.

"Thanks for dinner," she murmured, her voice faint and high-pitched. "It was really great seeing you. Have a good night."

Tara opened her mouth, about to say something, but Pam had already gone inside. She closed the door softly, leaving Tara standing there on the deck alone.


	21. Chapter 21 - Part I

_**A/N** I am still writing but am posting this because I promised some people a chapter would be up by early today and don't want to leave you hanging. I was planning on post Part II tonight but I don't think I have time. :/_

_ Anyway, please comment if you can because your thoughts and interpretations are very important feedback for me! xoxo._

* * *

Pam pressed her back against the front door and stared vacantly out ahead. She was feeling a range of emotions and every one of them was unpleasant: disappointment, desire, regret, and anger, predominantly at herself for getting her hopes up in the first place. She eventually walked to her bedroom, tossing her purse onto her bed and blowing out an unenthusiastic breath through her mouth. All she wanted to do was go to sleep and forget about this night.

She moved into her bathroom and washed her face, wiping her lips, cheeks, and eyes and throwing away the tissues stained with black, rosewood, and cerise into the bin. She brushed her teeth and tied her hair into a loose, low ponytail before unzipping her dress. She didn't even bother hanging it up; she walked out of the bathroom and dropped it onto a chair. She took off her bra and slipped on a cream colored nightgown and crawled into bed.

_Just forget about it, _she told herself. _Go back to last week. Before you saw her. It will be fine._

But Pam knew it wasn't that easy. She couldn't so effortlessly forget. And as disappointed as she was, she did want to see Tara again, even if it caused her pain to do so.

She lay still in bed, her mind too preoccupied to be able to find sleep. She tried not to, but she ended up travelling back to the last moment they had shared on her porch, recalling the feeling Tara's rich brown eyes focused entirely on her. She envisioned Tara tucking away her loose strands of her hair, and then tilting her chin up, leaning in to brush their lips together. She imagined them kissing, so freely and so effortlessly, as if there were no longer any barriers or obstacles between them. As if they had never been apart. It was such a wonderful thought that it felt physically painful to conjure it. Pam knew this kind of thinking was futile and would just cause her further anguish, so she forced herself to cut it out. She tried to sleep, tucking her arms into her chest as she curled up on her side.

XXX

The next day Pam felt a little better. She made herself breakfast and grabbed her nicest pen and her favorite journal, which was made of a deep turquoise leather. She got inside her car and drove ten miles on Highway 39 to the San Gabriel River. She parked and walked a while to one of her favorite spots, where there was a lovely view of the water by a typically unfrequented area of clustered trees. She lay a blanket down on the ground and leaned against the thick trunk of an Oak tree.

It was a beautiful day; there were a few clouds scattered amongst the bright azure sky and a mild breeze that rustled strands of Pam's flaxen hair and tickled her nose. She crossed her legs and set her notebook in her lap. When she wrote, it helped to be in a natural environment, and she preferred writing by hand; everything felt more organic, including her words. She sat there, letting the images and moments come to her, then pressed the tip of her pen to paper and transcribed them. Everything seemed to be flowing freely today, because after an hour she had already written almost 20 pages. She felt accomplished; she hadn't truly been able to come out and write like this for a while. Regardless of certain other aspects of her life right now, she was still grateful that she got to do what she loved. Not everyone was so lucky, and she told herself that she should truly be focusing on this instead of what she had recently begun to do: yearn for someone who was no longer hers.

She had been severely lonely many times in her life, often for excruciatingly long stretches of time, that she occasionally turned to other's words of wisdom for comfort. She used to read certain maxims so frequently that they were now etched permanently into her memory. As she gave her wrist a break and gazed out at the eton blue water, she thought of some of them.

_The whole value of solitude depends upon one's self; it may be a sanctuary or a prison, a haven of repose or a place of punishment, a heaven or a hell, as we ourselves make it._

_It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it._

_Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away._

_Loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man. _

_Without great solitude no serious work is possible. _

_Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement._

Often these sayings were a great consolation to her, other times they did nothing at all. The one that typically helped the most was the most realistic in her mind:

_There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall._

But it didn't help that with her profession, she knew so many sayings about love as well, some uttered by the most influential and gifted writers that ever lived. She tried not to consciously think about them, but they made themselves known regardless.

_The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. _

_A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love._

_All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name. _

_Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it._

_Let no one who loves be unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow._

_Is it not by love alone that we succeed in penetrating to the very essence of being?_

_The sweetest of all sounds is that of the voice of the woman we love. _

_Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. _

_If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't, they never were._

_Love is the only gold._

Pam needed to stop. She could feel herself spiraling into a hopeless and miserable place. There was no point in dwelling. She looked down at her notebook and tried to resume writing, but it wasn't flowing anymore. She leaned her head back against the hard, embossed bark and sighed. She turned to the last few pages of the book and looked around. She decided to do an exercise she had done in school many, many years ago. In one class, they had been reading_ Walden_ by Henry David Thoreau and their assignment was to start a journal mimicking his experiences. They were to find any isolated place in nature, and there they were to sit, in stillness and in peace, and record what they observed. And that is what Pam did. She took in everything around her, describing the mossy ground beneath her legs, the mild, sweet fragrance of begonias that wafted through the air, and the occasional chubby squirrel that scampered through the grass.

It worked. When she was done, her mind was focused again. She was present. She stood up and brushed off the dust from her lap and gathered her things. Before she headed to her car, she went for a walk along the water, and as she moved along the dusty pathway, she imagined she was Thoreau.

_This is all you need,_ she told herself as she inhaled fresh, summer air through her nose and listened to the gentle sounds of the streaming water. _This is all you need._

But no matter how much Pam preached it, and with how much conviction she stood by it, she still didn't fully believe it.

XXX

Pam drove back and returned to her empty home. She checked her phone and saw that Isabel had called her and sent her a couple messages, but Pam hadn't replied yet, unsure of what to say. Or she simply wasn't able to say it right now. She knew Isabel would still protest and try and give her hope about the whole situation, but Pam couldn't get into it right now. She just wanted to move on with her life, like she always did. She decided that she was going to call another one of her friends to try and make plans for the next weekend. She was going to make an effort to start going out again, because this whole wallowing in self-pity thing was not acceptable. She would be fine, she just had to take initiative and keep her life full of activities and good people.

When it was dinnertime, she opened one of the kitchen cupboards and pulled out a large recipe book. She picked out a new dish, deciding to make a potato leek soup and endive, pear, and Roquefort salad. Maybe this would be one of her activities: trying to cook a new meal every couple of days. And it would help, being productive and learning something new. The only moments that would make things worse would come when she was finished. It was hard not to wish there was someone there to taste the dish with her, to share and relish it, to even give her praise for the work she put into it. Cooking was always more enjoyable when it was done for someone else. But Pam was trying to retrain her brain again, like she had done for so long. She didn't _need _someone for any of this. She was fine the way she was. At least that's what she tried to tell herself.

When she was finished with the soup and salad, she set a plate and bowl down on the table and began to eat. The house felt hauntingly quiet. So much so that when her phone started ringing, Pam literally jumped in her seat at the sound. Her cell was on the kitchen counter and she stood up to grab it. She saw the screen and didn't recognize the number, but the area code was somewhat familiar. She answered the call and leaned against the counter.

"Hello?"

"Hey... Pam? It's Tara."

Pam's heart skipped a beat and she reached her free hand behind her to hold onto the counter.

"Oh, hi," she replied casually.

"I wasn't sure if you still had the same number..." Tara told her.

Pam tried to chuckle. "Yeah, I do."

"How are you?" Tara asked.

Pam pursed her lips. "I'm well, thank you."

"Great. So listen, I wanted to ask you something. I actually was going to tell you last night before you went inside…" Tara began.

Pam swallowed. "Oh?"

"Yeah," Tara answered. "I was just wondering.. um, the volunteers, from Pomona and a couple other schools in the area will be starting tomorrow. I was wondering if you'd like to come? Even for just a little bit, if you wanted to stop by. I thought I could show you where I work and, what I do and all of that."

Pam was quiet for a moment. Was she ready for that? She contemplated whether seeing Tara would be more helpful or harmful for her right now. Maybe it would be good to try and spend some time with her without any expectations. Or maybe it would continue to deepen her affection, and consequently her anguish.

"You there?" Tara queried after a while.

"Yeah," Pam stuttered. "Sorry. Um… sure," she replied. Even if Pam didn't want to, she couldn't say no to her.

"Is there something I would need to do there?" she asked.

"No, don't worry about that," Tara returned. "I just thought I could show you around and introduce you to some of my co-workers or something."

Tara didn't know if this sounded incredibly boring and that's why Pam's reaction wasn't very enthusiastic. She hoped this wasn't the case, because she did want to see her again.

"What time should I get there?" Pam inquired.

"Well I think it will be an all day thing but you can stop by whenever. The students will get there around 10 in the morning but you can come in the afternoon sometime."

"What's the address?"

"I'll text it to you, but it's 1550 W. 8th St. It's the Central office and there's a parking lot right beside it."

"Okay," Pam replied.

"You sure you're all right?" Tara asked.

"Yeah," Pam confirmed, clearing her throat. "I'll see you tomorrow. Looking forward to it."

"Okay," Tara smiled. "See you then."

Pam hung up and set the phone down. Well so much for adjusting to solitude again. But it was nice that Tara called her so soon about trying to see each other again. It meant that she was at least thinking about Pam, even if it wasn't in the way Pam wanted.

XXX

Pam woke up at 7 AM the next day. She showered, changed, and blow-dried her hair. She left by 8, giving herself enough time to account for rush hour traffic as she headed over to the city. She found the place relatively easily, as she was familiar with L.A. She parked in the lot and walked inside the building. She checked the room number again on her phone and moved down the hallway. She arrived at the right door and went inside.

This particular room was quite large, and Pam figured Tara arranged for the students to meet here because it was spacious enough to hold them all. No one was there except for Tara, who was sitting and going through a packet of papers she was intending on handing out to everyone. She had heard someone coming through the hallway though, and she turned her head as Pam stepped into the door-way.

When she saw Pam, she immediately wrinkled her brow and tilted her head.

"Hey…" she murmured.

Pam smiled reservedly. "Hi."

"I didn't think you would be here this early…" Tara told her.

"No, I know," Pam responded. "I just thought I could help you set up. If you needed an extra pair of hands for anything."

Tara blinked, and her lips slowly curled into a gracious smile. "Wow, that is so nice. Thank you."

Pam smiled back at her. "No problem."

They held each other's gaze for a moment, and then Tara scratched her head.

"Well there isn't too much left to do. If you want you can help me set up some chairs in here. And then I was going to quickly run to the grocery store and pick up a few snacks for everyone."

"Sure thing," Pam remarked.

"Okay," Tara said, smiling again.

And that's what they did. They set out some foldable chairs in a large circle and then left the building to head to a nearby store. It was fun, going down the aisles, figuring out what to pick together. Pam swung the basket lightly as she watched Tara scrutinizing the aisles, finding it adorable how seriously she was taking this all. She wanted to make sure that they bought the exact right things.

"Do you think we need hummus? For the pita chips?" Tara asked with a tightly furrowed brow. She said it so quickly, as if it was the most crucial and pressing of matters, and Pam couldn't hold back a smile.

"Yeah, that makes sense," she answered.

"Are you sure? It would be too dry to eat without it, right?" Tara pressed.

Pam chuckled. "Right."

Perhaps it was because they were alone, but Pam found herself forgetting that Tara was with someone else. Right now it was just the two of them, like it had always had been, and it was simply wonderful.

They soon headed back to the Foundation. It wasn't long before people began to arrive, and Pam sat in one of the chairs with her legs crossed as she watched Tara and observed some of the students. There was a small table in the back set up with some muffins and pastries and orange juice, and some people were gathered over there, quietly conversing. There ended up being around fifteen people in the room, which was a very good turn out for this. At one point, a girl with short blonde hair with fiery highlights walked inside the room. Pam peered curiously at her for a moment, and then recognized her from the coffee shop last week. She bit her lower lip and looked down at her lap. Well that was one question answered. She saw her walk over to Tara, whose eyes lit up as she opened with something vaguely like "So glad you could make it."

After Tara introduced herself to the group and went over the packet she had typed up, she gave them a tour of the place. Pam followed them all, none of whom she recognized, but a couple were wearing Pomona t-shirts. When they were done, they ate the rest of the snacks Pam and Tara had bought while Tara began to speak individually to them. She talked to them about what they were most interested in doing while figuring out the best schedule for them to come in.

Before she came, Pam figured she wouldn't be staying for more than a couple hours. But the day went by faster than she expected, and today was just about introductions anyway. By the time it was four o'clock, all of the students were gone. The girl from the coffee shop lingered a little while, trying to talk to Tara alone, but she had a shift to get back to and soon had to leave as well. Eventually it was just Pam and Tara, cleaning up and restoring the room to how it was in the morning. When they were done, Tara turned to Pam, who was in the corner putting something away in her purse.

"Hey," she began, moving a little closer as Pam turned her head to look at her. "Thank you _so _much for helping today. With everything. Really, you didn't have to do any of that."

The ends of Pam's mouth turned up. "You're welcome. I didn't mind at all. I enjoyed it."

Tara gazed at her, her eyes gleaming with gratitude.

"They seem like a good bunch of kids," Pam contended.

"Yeah," Tara agreed. "I think it'll be good. Most of them seem to be here for the right reasons."

Pam nodded. After a moment, she stood up and grabbed her purse. "Well I guess I'll head out now," she murmured.

"Oh," Tara replied. "All right. I was thinking I could buy you a drink or something. To thank you for everything."

Pam smiled. "Well you bought me dinner last night. After much protest," she chuckled.

"Yeah but still," Tara returned. "Am I going to have to insist again?" she teased as her eyebrows rose.

Pam laughed. "No, I guess not."

"Actually, I can show you my place. I've already seen yours now," Tara remarked.

"Sure," Pam said lightly, suddenly growing nervous for some reason.

"Great," Tara replied. "I guess you can just follow me there, that all right?"

Pam nodded. The two of them grabbed their things and left.

XXX

Pam ended up staying for a while. Tara's place was nice: not too big, but it was colorful, fresh, and hip. She briefly glanced around to see if there were any telling picture frames around, but she couldn't find any. They ended up having a couple glasses of wine and talking more. They could feel themselves already at the point of becoming so comfortable with each other that it was like they had never become strangers. It was a slightly different vibe and dynamic between them now, but by the end of the night, being slightly demonstrative with each other, or delving into deeper conversations instead of small talk didn't seem unusual. It was nice.

Pam waited a little after her second glass to leave, and when she got up Tara walked her to the door. There was a bit of an awkward pause, but then they both leaned in to hug each other.

"I had fun today," Pam told her warmly.

"Yeah, me too," Tara responded.

"And let me know if there's anything else I can do to help out," Pam suggested.

Tara nodded and then ruminated for a beat.

"Actually, I have been thinking about that. I know this is now your summer vacation and I want you to have time off and everything. But if you would like to come back, I think you could actually help some of the interns a lot."

"Yeah?" Pam replied.

Tara nodded again. "Well there's a lot of writing they have to do. Whether it's letters to politicians or drawing up petitions, or even important emails we need to send out, I can't always oversee everything. If you were interested, I think your skills with language and editing could really come in handy."

Pam nodded. "Sure, I'd love to."

Tara was glad to hear it, but then she hesitated.

"It… would still be a volunteer thing though... I wouldn't be able to pay you or anything."

"Oh, of course," Pam retorted knowingly as she shook her head. "That didn't even cross my mind."

Okay," Tara answered, feeling slightly guilty. It's not even like she made a lot of money herself, but she knew how tiring and consuming the work could be and wanted Pam to at least get something tangible out of the experience. What she didn't realize, though, was that Pam getting to spend time with her was reward enough.

XXX

And that's what Pam began to do. She didn't go to the Foundation all the time, but when she did she would devote her entire day there. Typically just past noon, she and Tara would go and grab lunch somewhere closeby. Sometimes, because Tara felt bad about Pam always coming to her place, she would go back to Claremont to hang out after the day was done. They would watch movies, they would talk, and sometimes they'd go for a walk around town.

As much as Pam loved being with her, there were times it was not easy to do this. She longed to touch her, she wished she could kiss her, and with every passing day they spent together with no sign of Tara showing romantic interest, Pam grew more and more hopeless. She would look back to their first kiss so many years ago, remembering how it was Tara who initiated it, and who did so in a situation that was so ethically wrong and risky, yet she didn't care. Pam compared this to now. They were no longer in such a situation, yet Tara was still keeping her distance, aside from her generally friendly and affectionate demeanor. She knew that Tara must truly be happy with someone else then, but she couldn't bear to ask her about it.

Still, being with her was too wonderful to give up, so Pam learned to enjoy their time together as much as she could. She worked on ignoring that ache deep within her that secretly and desperately wanted more.

There was one night when Tara was over at Pam's where they had both been watching "The Imitation of Life." When the movie ended, Pam looked over at the other end of the couch and saw Tara lying there with her lids gently closed. Her mouth was slightly open and her stomach was expanding and contracting slowly with each breath. Pam wanted to clutch her hands against her chest at the sight; it was the most precious thing she had ever seen. It took her back too. She sat there and gazed at Tara for a few more moments before moving closer. She grabbed a pillow and gently lifted her head to place it beneath her. She picked up a blanket from a nearby closet and draped it over her body. Tara's lips closed and her head automatically tilted to the side. Pam knelt down beside her and reached her hand up to caress the side of her face. Her thumb brushed lightly against her cheekbone and she sighed. It was still hard at times to believe that Tara was back in her life. Despite other disappointments, this was something she would always be grateful for.

She leaned down and kissed her forehead before standing up and heading to bed.

XXX

A few weeks had gone by since Pam had started volunteering at the Foundation, and one night after work Tara was back at Pam's place again. They were sitting opposite each other on the couch again and had just finished watching a documentary called "The Waiting Room" which was a film about an American public hospital struggling to care for a community of largely uninsured patients. When they were finished watching, they discussed what they saw, which included Tara sharing personal anecdotes about similar situations she had witnessed in the past from her work. In the middle of their conversation, her phone began to ring, and she pulled it out of her pocket and checked to see who it was.

Tara's eyes lit up and she glanced at Pam.

"Can I take this?" she whispered.

Pam nodded and Tara pressed the phone to her ear.

"Hi darlin'!" she exclaimed. "How are you? I haven't heard from you in a while."

Pam recognized Tara's change of voice and demeanor well enough to know that this was the same woman she had been talking to on the night they first had dinner. She brought her hands to her lap, beginning to wring them as she bit the inside of her lip.

"Did you have a good day today?" Tara asked as her voice elevated significantly in pitch.

"Well I had to go to work, and now I'm hanging out with a good friend," she remarked.

Pam stared down at her lap and swallowed.

"Yes, she's a very special lady and she's been helping me a lot."

Pam wrinkled her brow, confused at the way Tara was describing her.

"No sweetie, I don't think I have time to read you a story tonight."

Pam's lips parted as a dumbfounded expression swept over her face.

"I know, I am going to try and come and see you as soon as I can. I promise. But can you put Daphne on the phone for me right now? Thank you so much. I will talk to you soon, all right? Yeah, just give Daphne the phone, don't press any of the buttons. Okay… Sweet dreams, love. Bye bye."

Tara waited a moment, then resumed speaking when someone else took the phone at the other end of the call.

"Hey, Daphne. How is everything?... Okay… Oh… When did that happen? … All right… No, I suppose that's what had to be done … When is that going to happen?... Okay… And how is she doing? … Good… Oh, I'm fine. I'm doing well. Yeah, no I'm doing great, don't worry about me. And listen, I really have been meaning to come down sometime… No I know, but still… Okay…. Well, I actually can't talk for long right now, but I'll take a look at my calendar and see if there's a weekend I can come down relatively soon... Yeah… All right. Thanks Daph… Yeah, you too… Okay, good night."

Tara hung up and placed her phone down on the table beside the couch. Pam was still gazing down at her lap, too embarrassed to lift her head.

"Sorry about that," Tara commented.

Pam was quiet, but she shook her head. "No, it's totally fine." She was still silently chastising herself for jumping to conclusions the way she did. She already knew most of the answer, but she asked the question anyway.

"Who was that?" she murmured.

Tara smiled. "Her name is Kiyana. She's this girl who is… eight now, I think, that I met at a group home back in Louisiana when I was working there after undergrad. Her mother had died of a drug overdose, and her father left before she was even born and… anyway, when we met, she sort of instantly became attached to me. I started visiting more and spending a lot of time with her. She likes to call me sometimes in the evening, just to hear my voice I suppose. I'm surprised she still remembers me, because it's been three years now since I've been there. But she's the sweetest girl I know, and I love her a lot. I worry about her, and that place in general, which has never been in the best shape. But it's nice that I get to speak with her every now and then. I mean… if I were ever to have a daughter, she would be the perfect one… she'd be what I'd hope for."

Pam gazed at Tara in the most admiring and heartbreaking way. How could she stay upset after hearing something like this? She knew Tara was full of love and compassion, but hearing this just made her melt even more. While simultaneously making her feel like an even bigger idiot.

She stood up and moved away from the couch, crossing her arms as she walked over to one of her bookshelves, keeping her back turned. As her feelings of foolishness eventually began to recede, confusion began to replace it. Did this mean Tara was not seeing anyone? But then why didn't she try and pursue anything romantically? Was it because she didn't view Pam in that way anymore? That she had moved on from that idea a long time ago? But then why did she want to spend so much time with her? Was it simply because she was happy to be part of her life again?

Pam knew what she had to do. She knew she had to say something. It had been long enough now that the need to communicate this and get it out in the open had been building steadily inside of her. If she didn't say something soon she felt like she would explode. She needed to know, one way or the other. So that they could either move forward, or so that she could finally give up on this idea and fully move on.

Tara watched a quiet and visibly distraught Pam for a while, patiently waiting while she tried to understand what the problem was. She eventually stood and crossed over to her. Pam kept her back turned, but Tara moved so she could see her.

"What's wrong?" she asked softly.

Pam swallowed. "Nothing," she mumbled, casting her eyes down at the floor.

Tara waited another moment, but then reached up and tenderly swept Pam's hair around her neck and behind her shoulders as she gazed at her.

"I don't believe you," she said teasingly, trying to get Pam to smile.

Pam rotated her body so that her back was turned again. She placed her fingers on the spine of a large, dusty book in front of her and dragged her hand down slowly.

"Hey," Tara said faintly.

Pam's eyes slipped shut for a moment.

_Say something_.

Pam swallowed and blew out a shaky breath.

_You have to say something._

And the moment she felt Tara's fingers gently stroking her arm, she found her voice.

"I don't know what you want..." she whispered. She closed her eyes and tried to stay calm. She knew her words were vague, but that's all she could manage at the moment.

But Tara understood her perfectly. This was the first time Pam had finally asked her what she was feeling, after all this time. And Tara was ready to speak. She reached down and brushed her fingers over Pam's before her lips parted.

"I want to make love to you," she declared softly.

Pam's knees almost buckled and she gasped. She gripped the shelf edge hard with both hands and tried to keep her body steady as her legs began to tremble. She felt Tara slowly wrap an arm around her waist from behind, and her warm palm pressed gently against her stomach. Pam closed her eyes again and felt Tara turn her around until they were facing each other. Tara gazed at her intently as she ran her hands up the sides of her waist, sending shivers up Pam's spine. Pam tried to hold back tears as her heart began to pound relentlessly in her chest. Tara eventually leaned in until their lips were an less than an inch apart. She held there a moment and Pam's mouth fell open as she began to pant, her chest visibly heaving.

Tara reached her arms around so that they were against Pam's lower back, and she leaned in further, brushing their lips together ever so faintly. Pam was now sure she could no longer remain standing, that her legs would surely collapse. Tara waited, gently stroking Pam's back as she continued gazing at her. A moment later, she kissed her again, harder this time, enveloping Pam's soft pink lips with her own and trailing her hands up to lightly caress the back of her neck. Pam was too overwhelmed to truly kiss her back, and as Tara swept her tongue over her bottom lip and slipped her warm hands under her shirt, she became dizzy and short of breath. Her body continued to tremble as a heavy pulse between her legs intensified.

Tara broke away and bent down to grab the back of her thighs. She easily picked her up and Pam wrapped her legs and arms around her. She kept her eyes closed as their foreheads touched, and they both held each other tight as Tara moved to the bedroom.


	22. Chapter 21 - Part II

_**A/N**__ I am so tired why do I do this to myself!? Haha. I stayed up super late to finish this, so a few kind words would really help! xoxo_

* * *

Pam clung to her desperately, her arms draped around her upper back and legs securely hugging her waist. She didn't speak a word; all that was audible was the sound of her hitched, overcome breathing. Tara calmly carried her inside her room, turning to sit at the edge of the bed. Pam was in her lap, and her knees now dug into the mattress on either side of Tara's thighs. She moved her hands to the tops of Tara's shoulders and slowly opened her eyes. Her chest continued to surge and collapse as she peered at Tara with an open mouth and a devastated expression. She looked visibly distressed, her eyes conveying what looked like utter heartbreak. But this wasn't the case at all. She was simply overwhelmed. Shocked and so completely overwhelmed.

Tara reached up, sweeping aside the fine, stray hairs from her forehead and lightly trailing her fingers down the sides of her face. She smiled gently, admiring how Pam's radiance shone through even now. Oh, how she missed this. She could even begin to describe her level of joy.

She traced the pads of her fingers down her temples and over her cheekbones and Pam tried to keep her body still, which felt like it was trembling. She wanted to cry, but she didn't.

Tara leaned in and gently placed a kiss on her forehead. Pam's lids slowly closed again and she tried to steady her breath.

"Are you real?" she whispered shakily.

Tara brought her palms to Pam's cheeks, cradling her face as she waited for her to open her eyes again.

Their eyes locked and Pam swallowed.

"Yes," Tara murmured.

They stayed like this for a while. Pam tried to stay calm as her lips quivered and her heart thudded forcefully in her chest.

Tara leaned in and brushed their lips together briefly before moving away again. She knew Pam still needed a moment to get a hold of herself, she was still too overcome to properly reciprocate anything, even a kiss. Tara lowered her head, closing her eyes and grazing her nose against her soft, milky before pressing her lips over her pulse point. She missed Pam's smell. Being this close to her again was heaven. She continued raking warm, wet kisses all over her neck and collarbone, and Pam could feel her whole body beginning to ache. Every touch was electric, and her skin felt like it was on fire. It was almost alarming how worked up she felt herself getting.

Tara was going to touch her. Tara wanted her, and she wanted to touch her. She was here with her and she was ready. No one had touched Pam for so long. And never had it been out of love. And never had it been Tara. Pam was almost positive now that her limbs were shaking, and when she felt Tara begin to drag her shirt up her body, she unconsciously expelled a breath of hot air onto her face.

Tara slowly pulled the article off, setting it beside them before bringing her palms to her hips and gradually drawing them up her body. She moved agonizingly slow and it was driving Pam insane. Tara slipped off her sneakers, pushing them off with the ball of her foot, and then bending forward to remove Pam's heels. She lifted her up again, standing to turn them both around. She slowly lowered her onto her back, causing Pam's abs to tense. Her body melted into the bed as her back molded into the mattress and fluffy white comforter. She felt Tara drag her warm palm down her stomach before grabbing under her armpits and pulling her up higher. Pam's head was now by the top of the bed, resting over a pillow. As Tara kneeled beside her, she unbuttoned her own shirt and removed it before moving to sit over Pam's hips. She reached around her back and unclasped her bra. She dragged the straps down her arms and Pam's eyes slipped shut again. Tara made her way down her body, kissing her just below her bellybutton and Pam swallowed.

Tara's hands found the zipper at the side of her skirt and she dragged it down as far as it would go. She pulled it off until all that was left on Pam was her black panties that were already thoroughly damp. Tara moved in between her legs, continuing with her excruciatingly slow pace as she began to tend to Pam's neck again. She kissed and sucked on patches of skin as Pam panted and felt her whole body throbbing. Tara leisurely ran her hands over her body, trailing them down her stomach and over the tops of her thighs. When she dragged them slowly over her breasts, she heard Pam softly moan as her nipples tightened from the touch. Her body was screaming for release, but Tara continued to take her time. And when she brought her hand between Pam's legs and began lightly stroking her over the fabric of her underwear, Pam's forehead grew pinched and she whimpered.

Tara knew Pam already so close that even a few more movements of her hand would get her there, so she pulled away. She hooked her fingers inside her underwear and dragged them down her legs. Pam was now completely nude as she lay on the bed, and she stared at the ceiling with an open mouth, her stomach rising and falling with each deep breath. Tara slowly pushed on the inside of her knees until her legs opened, and then settled between them again.

She continued to kiss her all over, pausing as she reached the swells of her breasts. She kissed her way down the soft, pillowy flesh, and then gently took one of her pink nipples between her lips. Pam immediately moaned, feeling herself grow even wetter as Tara sucked on the sensitive tip and lightly squeezed her hips. She was so turned on that it physically hurt.

Tara eventually began to tend to her other breast and Pam arched her lower back, trying to stay patient, and still trying to adjust to the shock of this all. She reached around and lightly rested her hands on Tara's smooth, sculpted back. Tara leaned down, gently taking her lower lip between her teeth and sucking. When she pulled away, she began travelling down her body. She left a trail of fiery kisses down her stomach, and when she moved lower she felt Pam tremble as she exhaled audibly. Tara pushed herself down the bed until she was settled right between her legs. She could now see and smell the level of Pam's arousal, but she still didn't move any faster. She turned her head and kissed the inside of her thigh, occasionally moving closer to her destination before coming back up again. She licked and nipped her inner thighs, and Pam tried to keep her legs from wobbling. Tara was about to drag her nails lightly over the tops of her thighs, but she stopped when an image of what happened last time rapidly flashed through her mind.

When Tara finally moved her face closer, Pam's pants quickened and deepened. She tried to steady her hands by pressing them flat against the bed. She felt Tara's warm breath right between her legs and she became almost dizzy with arousal.

Tara waited another beat, but then, just once, flattened her soft, velvety tongue and ran it up through slick heat. Pam's mouth fell all the way open as she gasped. Tara moved in again, this time flicking her swollen bundle of nerves just twice before pulling away. As she continued to do this, she reached underneath Pam's thighs, lifting her legs and placing them over her so that her feet rested on her back.

Each flick and each lap of her tongue elicited a high-pitched, breathy moan from Pam, who was even more frustrated now with the teasing, torturous nature of Tara's movements. She wanted to hold her, and she wanted release, but Tara wasn't giving her either.

Tara moved up and began to place gentle kisses all over her stomach. She then brought her hand to the apex of her thighs. She very slowly slipped her middle finger inside, immediately causing Pam's abs to tense and quiver. Tara moved inside of her for a few more moments, but soon withdrew it again. Pam whined, so frustrated she could scream, but instead she bit the inside of her lip as her chest continued to heave.

Tara teased her opening for a moment, but then moved her finger even lower. As Pam felt this, she blew out a deep breath and closed her eyes.

Tara very gradually worked the digit inside. Pam's head dug into bed as her brow furrowed tighter. When Tara was done, she leaned down and closed her lips around Pam's clit, beginning to suck fervently. Pam let out a choked moan, beginning to claw at the bed as she could feel herself becoming overloaded from sensation. It felt so good she became light-headed and faint. Tara began alternating between flicking, sucking, and something Pam didn't even know how to describe or fathom but that made her moans sharp and strained.

Tara trailed her free hand up Pam's torso to squeeze her breasts and massage her pelvis as she quickened the movements of her tongue and lips. Pam's moans became louder and more drawn-out, all fueling Tara further.

Pam was right there, and Tara pushed her finger in further and increased the pressure of her tongue. Pam reached her arms down and gripped the back of Tara's head as she dug her heels into her back.

"Ohgodtarapleasejesusdon'tyoustop."

Tara didn't, and a few moments later, Pam was crying out. She turned her head to the side and pressed her thighs hard against Tara's shoulders as her body began to writhe and shake. Tara continued sucking on her sensitive flesh and Pam breathed in shuddering spurts, her ribs shaking as she inhaled.

Tara finally pulled her mouth away, and slowly she withdrew her finger. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and licked her lips before leaning down, beginning to place sweet kisses all over her body again. But Pam didn't let her for long; she reached for her and tried with any ounce of strength she could muster to pull her up to her. She was spent to the point of exhaustion, but she needed to feel Tara. She tugged impatiently at her jeans, but was too weak to remove them herself. As Tara brought her hands down to unsnap and unzip them, Pam managed to take off her bra and she dragged her hands down the toned, defined planes of Tara's stomach. She yanked until Tara's pants and briefs fell down her knees, and Tara moved to the side to drag them off her legs completely. When she returned, kneeling beside Pam, their lips immediately found each other. Pam wrapped her arms around Tara's back as Tara slowly pushed her back onto the bed. She hovered over her, in between her legs, running her hands everywhere they could reach. They kissed as if on a mission, their lips overlapping and their warm, wet tongues eagerly seeking the other.

For how long they were like this, neither of them knew. Part of Pam still felt like she was dreaming.

There was a draft in the room, so Tara tugged at the comforter, pulling it down the bed. She grabbed the sheets and drew them over them both. She eventually shifted, adjusting her body until their pelvises were settled against each other. She pushed open Pam's legs further and brought her hands to the sides of her waist, squeezing and kneading lightly while leaning down to reunify their lips.

Tara slowly began to rock her hips over Pam, and she looked down to gauge her expression. Pam's eyes gently squeezed shut as her lips parted. Tara gradually began to speed up her movements and Pam reached around to hug her back. Tara felt just like she remembered: so warm and smooth. Having Tara's weight over her, being so closely embraced by her was a dream. She never thought she would have this again. Tara was right here. She was here. As she truly realized this, an overwhelming amount of emotion suddenly swelled inside of her.

Tara began to tenderly kiss her neck, and Pam brought her hand to the back of her head and sighed with a tensed brow.

"Oh God I missed you," she cried.

Tara responded by burying her face further into the crook of her neck, and as she shifted slightly over Pam, the perfect spot for both of them was found and Tara groaned as Pam dug her fingers into Tara's back.

Pam cradled the back of Tara's head as Tara grinded her hips deliberately. Pam's eyes had been shut, but when Tara pulled her face away from her, she opened them.

Pam's mouth was open and her brow was tense; she was completely exposed as she gazed right into her. They locked eyes amidst the warm, wet friction of their bodies and Pam brought her hand to Tara's cheek while the other draped itself down her back. They truly felt like they were looking into each other's souls. Whoever conjured the phrase "the eyes are the window to the soul" must have been making love when they discovered it.

Tara tilted her pelvis and never stopped moving, and Pam could already feel the waves building inside her once more and an array of colors dancing before her eyes. Tara leaned down and began sucking on her breasts, biting gently and flicking her tongue, making Pam whimper. She pushed her hips up as she was brought to the edge again, her body soon shuddering and spasming as she lay beneath a still moving Tara.

Tara soon followed, gritting her teeth and shutting her eyes in focus. Pam reached her arm up, resting her slender, delicate fingers against the side of her face. She lovingly stroked her cheek with her thumb before slipping her hand down to the nape of her neck. Tara felt Pam's soothing, gentle touch and she soon found release. A white heat seared through her and her lips parted in a silent moan. She quaked and twitched for a moment, but recovered quickly. She bent forward and sought Pam's lips, and they kissed and touched for several minutes. Pam's hands tangled into Tara's hair and Tara held onto the undersides of Pam's thighs, slowly stroking and massaging them.

When they broke away, Pam brought her hands to Tara's face again, brushing her thumbs over the arches of her eyebrows and then down across her jaw. It felt so wonderful, to no longer have any doubt or repression between them. If Pam had an impulse to touch Tara, she could touch her. If she wanted to say something, she could say it. It was the most gratifying freedom she knew. She wanted to stay like this forever.

"Turn over," Tara murmured, dragging her hands up under her hips.

Pam almost protested, wanting to remain longer like this with a view of Tara's face. But she felt Tara pull on her hips again, and she eventually turned so that she was lying on her stomach. She brought her head to the side and rested her arms beside her, swallowing as she waited.

Tara was on her knees beside Pam, and she bent forward to kiss her shoulder blade as she pushed open her legs. She trailed a hand down her back, her fingers splayed out and dancing down her spine. She kissed the back of her neck and brought her hand between her legs. Pam grabbed a fistful of sheets as her eyes slipped shut. As she felt Tara slide two fingers inside of her, she whimpered and tightened her fists.

Tara started at her agonizingly slow pace again. She occasionally sped up, but only to slow down again. Pam's hips were already twisting at the touch, and she began arching her lower back. Tara began thrusting harder into her, and she leaned forward, sweeping her hair off of her neck and kissing her cheek. She watched her moan as her face contorted. She slowed down again, and as she felt Pam relax, she slipped in a third digit. Pam's knuckles turned white as she tugged at the sheets, and as Tara sped up her movements and twisted at her wrist, Pam cried out.

Tara bent forward and dragged her free hand over Pam's body as she occasionally placed kisses down her back. Pam was clenching against her fingers and felt like she was going to pass out, but she wanted to feel Tara again, to see her. Her voice felt like it had seized in her throat but she tried to speak anyway.

"Tara," she breathed.

Tara's fingers continued driving into her and Pam tried to stop moaning so she could speak again.

"Tara," she repeated. She began to push her body up so she was on all fours, and as she turned around, Tara sat back onto the bed, pulling Pam with her into her lap. Tara's feet were flat against the mattress and her legs were almost completely extended. She slid two fingers inside again and then gradually worked in a third. She suddenly sped up her moments without any warning and Pam reached around to grab her upper back, clinging to her with everything she had. She hugged her close and rested the side of her face in the space between Tara's neck and shoulders. Tara curled her fingers and pressed her palm into her clit and Pam screamed. She rocked her hips into Tara's hand and squeezed her forearms against her back as she came again. Her body shook and jerked and Pam gasped for air. Tara slowly withdrew her soaked fingers, but then cupped her hand and held it against the pulsing area for a while. She felt Pam adjust her head against her shoulder and her heart rate gradually slowed.

She was sweaty and soon became cold, so Tara reached for the comforter, draping it around Pam's back and shoulders, covering her body. Pam pulled the blanket over Tara as well, and they looked adorable as Pam sat in her lap with a large comforter engulfing them. She gazed admiringly at Tara, so overcome by her beauty and still needing to pinch herself to know that this was her reality. Her beautiful Tara was here with her. Pam swallowed and suddenly a sadness appeared in her eyes. She cast her eyes down at the bed for a moment before returning to look at her.

"I can't ever lose you again..." she whispered, peering at her with a vulnerability and fear that was almost palpable.

Tara met her eyes, then pressed her palm against her cheek.

"I'm not going anywhere," she murmured soothingly.

They sat there in silence for a while. But soon a curiosity surfaced within Pam, and she needed to satisfy it.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" she began. "I never knew how you felt until tonight…"

Tara reached for her hands and intertwined their fingers.

"Why didn't _you_ tell _me_?" she replied faintly.

Pam stayed quiet.

Tara squeezed her hands and ran her thumbs over her knuckles.

"I didn't know where we stood. I didn't know what you wanted from me, or where you were in your life. I didn't want to make assumptions. And I wanted to get to know you again. The biggest thing for me was just being able to finally see you."

"I just… drove myself crazy," Pam returned softly. "I thought you were with someone... And then I just thought you didn't want... You just… never gave me any hint or sign." she explained as she stared down at the bed.

"Didn't I?" Tara retorted.

She waited for Pam to lift her head again, and then she peered at her intently.

"Why do you think I came to California," she uttered softly.

Pam's heart fluttered as her eyes widened. She gazed at Tara in disbelief.

"I never stopped loving you," Tara declared softly.

Pam's face crumpled. And as she gazed at Tara with a love so boundless she couldn't dare describe it, she now thought of that one saying that used to haunt and endlessly torment her for years.

And oh… how different it was now.

_If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours._


	23. Chapter 23

_**A/N**__ I know this chapter isn't much about Tara and Pam together, but I promise there's a reason for it. Sorry for the wait. And you know how important your comments are for me. Xoxo _

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Time had flown by. Almost a year had passed since that pivotal, indescribable night they shared.

They were living together. Tara had moved in a couple weeks later. Once everything was out in the open, there was no need to take things slow. They knew exactly what they wanted, so they made it happen.

In the beginning, they barely left their room, let alone the house. They spent hours in bed, making love and then just laying together, having deep, thoughtful conversations, and other times, resting in peaceful silence.

The commute to work was longer for Tara now, but she didn't mind. She continued working with the interns at the Foundation, but as they became more familiar with their jobs and got the hang of things, Tara was able to spend more time at home with Pam. By August, she was able to fully take off for a few weeks. Pam still had a little while before she began teaching again, so they finally had some time to spend completely to themselves. They drove to Hidden Valley one day, visiting the Joshua Tree National Park_. _ It was stunning there- a surreal landscape of jumbled rocks and pinyon pines, even more gorgeous at night. They lay on their backs and gazed up at the dark, midnight blue sky, where millions of stars were framed by stark, silhouetted limbs.

Pam still felt like she had to pinch herself occasionally. This was all real. This was her life. The next few months together were just wonderful. When fall arrived, Pam began teaching again, and Tara was back to her own regular hours in the city. But the time they spent together was when they were happiest.

And then something happened.

XXX

It was early April when Pam received a phone call. It was from Tabitha. The moment Pam glanced at the screen, she felt her pulse quicken. When her sister called, which was not often at all, it was never with good news.

Tara was sitting at the kitchen table while Pam stood by the sink counter. She swallowed and slid her phone open before bringing it to her ear.

"Hello?" she murmured. "Yeah… I'm fine… What's happened?" she asked guardedly.

Tara looked up at her. She watched as Pam clenched her jaw and her expression grew grave.

"Is he stable?… What does that mean? … Oh…" she said faintly. Her voice was low and subdued and Tara saw her body tense up as she wrapped her free arm around her stomach.

"When did this happen?" she continued. After a moment, Pam's eyes widened as her brow furrowed. "_Six _days ago!" she exclaimed. "What the fuck, Tabitha? Why didn't you – what?... No, I never said that… No, when you – I don't care… Fine… Yeah. Okay, right… fine… Bye."

Pam hung up and her arm flopped down the side of her body. She didn't speak, and Tara waited a moment as she gauged her reaction.

"What's happened?" she asked quietly.

Pam stared at the floor. She drew in a deep breath and fumbled with the fabric of her blouse.

"My dad… she murmured.

Tara stood up and crossed over to her.

"He had a heart attack," Pam whispered.

Tara suspected it was something like this. She reached out to caress Pam's arm.

"Is he okay?" she queried.

Pam bit the inside of her lip. "I… They don't know," she said softly. She had been away from him for so long, but the idea of truly losing him was terrifying.

Tara rubbed Pam's arm and gazed at her steadily.

"What are you going to do?"

Pam was quiet as she reflected. She looked down at the floor and swallowed.

"I'm going to go see him," she responded.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Tara inquired.

Pam very much wanted Tara to accompany her, but she knew this was a bad idea. She shook her head.

"Are you sure?" Tara pressed.

Pam turned her gaze up to the ceiling and exhaled audibly. "Yeah."

Tara in no way was going to object to Pam's wishes, but she'd be lying if she denied that she wasn't worried. Not just about the health of Pam's father, but about what was going to happen when Pam got there. Tara may never have met her parents, but she certainly knew about Pam's history with them. She wasn't surprised that Pam was making the conscious decision to go see them in a situation like this, but she had an unpleasant feeling in the pit of her stomach that this wasn't going to go smoothly.

Tara leaned in and gently kissed her. "I'll cook dinner tonight. You should email your students about class tomorrow."

Pam nodded, and for the first time, the reality of where she was returning to and whom she was seeing again truly sunk in.

XXX

Pam left the next morning. It was expensive booking a flight on such short notice, but there was no other option. California was three hours behind South Carolina, so when she arrived, it was only 10 in the morning there. She checked into a nearby hotel and let Tara know she got there okay.

She needed a minute before she left for the hospital. She deliberately didn't book a return flight yet because she didn't know how long she was going to be staying. She hoped that he was on the path to recovery, that God forbid she wouldn't need to stay longer for a funeral.

She had rented a car, so when she felt ready to leave the hotel she got directions and made her way to the hospital.

She parked and went to the third floor designated for Cardio-Thoracic Intensive Care. She went to the front desk and waited as a woman with sleek, swept-back auburn hair finished writing something on a clipboard.

"Hi, I wanted to know what room Henry Beaufort is in," Pam remarked quietly.

"Are you a family member?" the woman asked.

Pam nodded.

"Room 30," she replied.

"Thank you," Pam murmured, and she turned to continue down the hallway.

Pam felt her heart beat a little faster as she neared the room. When she arrived, she paused right beside the door and blew out a breath of air. She then slowly peered inside the room. There were no visitors there, much to her relief. But the moment she looked at her father, her heart sank.

He was hooked up to a series of tubes. There was an IV to one side of him and his lids were gently closed. She observed beside him the EKG, pulse oximeter, and the temetry unit that monitored his heart rhythm and pulse. Pam didn't know if he was in a coma or was simply asleep. She had never seen him like this. It had been six years since she last saw him and he had visibly aged. The top of his head was covered fully in white and silver, and his limbs were thinner. He looked so fragile as he lay there. The only traceable movement was the gradual rise and fall of his stomach. Pam moved closer to the bed, sitting right beside him. She gazed at him intensely, her eyes filled with sorrow and dread. This was so hard. Their history didn't matter. It was never easy see a parent like this, to watch them deteriorate. She remembered how vigorous and active he used to be. When he used to play football with Lucas, the arm and the stamina he had. She remembered how he would teasingly chase Lydia around the house, usually to her chagrin. The thought of losing him forever was agonizing. She still loved him, very much.

She sat there for almost an hour. A nurse came and checked in for a moment, but didn't stay long. Pam reached over and clasped his hand between her own. She squeezed it gently and sighed.

_I'm sorry, daddy. _

She looked back on their past interactions, to the good memories, of which there were plenty. Pam had pushed them away for so long because her rage and hurt often got in the way, but they most certainly were there.

Her thoughts were only interrupted when she heard a rustling through the corridor. She looked up and saw a bewildered Tabitha standing in the door-frame. She had just come back from lunch it appeared, as she was holding a plastic bag that had a couple styrofoam containers inside them. She glared at Pam with wide eyes before checking down the hallway to ensure it was empty.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

Pam stared at her. What kind of question was that?

"I came to see Dad," she replied quietly.

Tabitha shook her head as she wrinkled her brow. Her expression conveyed a mild panic. And as a series of footsteps in the hallway began to amplify, she swallowed.

"The design of this building is _terrible_!" Lydia exclaimed as Tabitha turned to look at her. "I don't understand why they have the parking lot all the way on the oth-"

But she cut herself off. As she approached the room, her eyes moved to Pam. She saw her sitting right beside her husband, holding his hand in her own.

She was so taken aback that she was temporarily rendered speechless. Pam cautiously looked at her, suddenly apprehensive and unprepared for this.

"Hi Mom," she practically whispered.

"Why are you here?" Lydia demanded.

Pam stayed silent. Lydia shook her head. She turned to glance at Tabitha before muttering, "I can't believe this. This is not right."

A tense, palpable silence plagued the room. Pam didn't know what to do.

"What did the doctors say today?" she eventually queried.

Nobody answered. Tabitha felt guilty for deliberately ignoring her, but she didn't want to further upset her mother.

"Tabitha. What did they say?" Pam pressed.

Lydia spun around and marched inside the room.

"Why are you here?" she ordered.

The sudden motion startled Pam but she maintained her calm demeanor.

"Mom, can we please not do this…" she entreated faintly. She was not in the proper frame of mind to be yelled at right now.

"I will do and say what I want," Lydia snapped. "How _dare_ you come here like this!"

Tabitha crossed her arms as a fretted expression swept over her, wondering if she should try to intervene before this escalated.

"I just want to know how Dad is…" Pam explained.

"You have no right!" Lydia exclaimed. "How dare you!"

"_Mom_," Tabitha breathed, signaling for her to keep it down.

Lydia tried to lower her voice, but was already so worked up that she was unsuccessful.

"You left this family six years ago," she spat out. "And betrayed us long before that. You do not belong here."

Pam bit the inside of her lip and drew in a deep breath, trying to stay composed.

"Did you tell her about this?" Lydia demanded as she turned to glare at Tabitha.

Tabitha's eyes darted all across the room and she looked down at the floor. "Yes, Mom, of course I told her…" she mumbled feebly. "I didn't think she was going to come, but she had a right to-"

"She is _not_ a part of this family anymore," Lydia asserted. "She should not be here."

Pam gazed at her mom, baffled at her behavior, yet at the same time, totally unsurprised.

"Can we please not do this, Mom…" Pam implored quietly.

"_Don't you dar_e," Lydia retorted. "_You_ started this. You should not be here."

"Mom, please!" Pam suddenly cried. "I just want to sit with Dad for a while. Please can we not do this right now?"

But Lydia continued to rant. Pam sat there and took it all. This was all so horribly typical.

"She should not be in here," Lydia uttered to herself. "No one wants you here."

"Will you stop it?" Pam breathed feebly, feeling herself on the verge of tears. She stared down at her lap and clenched her jaw.

"How can you be so cruel..." she whispered hopelessly to herself.

"_I'm_ cruel?" Lydia roared as she dug her pointer finger into her chest. She took a large step toward Pam as her upper body bent forward towards her.

"_You_ chose to abandon your family. _You _chose to live your life in sin. _You_ chose to leave without ever saying another word to us. Not a single word."

"You never reached out to me either!" Pam blared, again feeling the emotion rising in her throat which she tried desperately to hold back. "It wasn't just me, Mom. You never wanted to see or speak to me again. I _know_ you didn't. It wasn't just on me to try and fix this."

"It can't be fixed," Lydia declared. "You are not even recognizable to me anymore."

"Well I didn't come here for you," Pam asserted bitterly.

"You have no right to be here!" Lydia bellowed.

"He's my _father_!" Pam cried, lurching up to standing. "He's _dying_! Were you never going to tell me what happened to him?"

Lydia held her tongue and Pam shook her head .

"I'm still his daughter and I have a right to know, regardless of how you-"

"No you do _not_ have that right," Lydia returned. "_You_ left this family. You think you can come here in his last moments to try and make up for everything you've done, for the way you've treated him?"

"That's not why I-"

"Enough, Pamela. I've heard _enough_."

Lydia was livid, and Pam's chest was heaving as she panted. The two of them locked eyes and Pam felt as though her stomach was twisted into a dozen painful knots. It wasn't until she sensed something stirring below her that looked down to the bed.

All the noise had awoken her father. His lids slowly opened and he reacquainted himself with his surroundings.

"Dad," Pam gasped. She sat down and gently clasped his forearm. "Hi," she whispered.

She gazed into his steely blue eyes, still full of life, and she smiled tenderly.

He met her eyes, but he didn't appear very responsive. A few moments later, a disgruntled nurse appeared.

"Excuse me…" she began. "What is going on in here? We have patients right next door and we can hear you all the way down the hallway..."

Lydia and Tabitha had been here for several days, so the nurse knew who they were. After noting them, she turned to look at Pam, warily taking her in in an almost accusatory manner.

"Are you a visitor?" she queried.

Pam nodded.

"She shouldn't be here," Lydia declared.

Pam blew out a breath and gritted her teeth.

"Are you a family member?" the nurse inquired.

Pam nodded her head, but at the same time Lydia uttered a vehement "No."

The nurse wrinkled her brow. "I'm sorry? Which one is it?"

Tabitha had stepped out into the hall a while ago, staying away from this all. Lydia glared at Pam while Pam slowly stroked her father's forearm. She wasn't going anywhere, and didn't care what her mother had to say.

The nurse had a thought, and turned her attention to Pam's father.

"Hi Henry. How are you feeling?"

He looked at her and eventually nodded.

"Henry, tell her to get out," Lydia announced.

The nurse briefly touched Lydia's shoulder, a way of politely requesting that she let her handle it.

"Let's all stay calm, all right?" She moved closer to the bed and tilted her head.

"Mr. Beaufort?" she began. "There seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding going on. I just need you to confirm something for me. Do you know this woman? Is she your..." the nurse turned to glance at Pam, and then continued. "Your daughter?" she finished tentatively.

The question didn't even faze Pam. She was glad the final decision wouldn't rest with her psychotic mother. She continued lovingly gaze at him as he blinked slowly.

He eventually turned to look at her and Pam smiled subtly, giving his arm another squeeze. She watched as his lips parted, ready to speak.

"No," he stated.

Pam's heart stopped. She stared at him, completely paralyzed.

Lydia smirked. Pam stood up and backed up step. She felt like the wind had just been knocked out of her. She gazed at him, in shock and despair, desperately hoping that he had misheard the question.

His eyes now bore straight into hers, and in a low, subdued voice, he spoke again.

"She is not my daughter."

Pam's mouth fell open as all the air in her body rushed out of her in a sharp exhale. She stood there, immobile, her legs suddenly feeling weak and unstable. When she couldn't bear it any longer, she turned around and walked out of the room, moving past the nurse, her mother, and eventually, Tabitha as well. As she reached the end of the hallway, she passed a mature-looking Lucas who, after recognizing who it was, stopped and gaped at her. Pam felt dizzy and nauseous and there was an unremitting ringing in her ears. The surge of emotion within her was so potent it was debilitating, but she dug her nails into her palm so hard they almost pierced her skin, desperately trying to hold it all in.

XXX

Pam didn't book her flight in advance. She simply showed up at the airport and ended up waiting several hours for the next available flight. She felt empty and numb, waiting in her seat with a lost, blank stare. When she was back in California, she took a cab home. It was past three in the morning by the time she was unlocking the front door. She tried to be quiet, but once she put her things down, she could see that the light in their bedroom was on. She set her keys down and slipped her shoes off. She felt so drained, both physically and emotionally, but she tried to stay strong. As she walked over to the bedroom, Tara, who had heard her come in, opened the door. She was having trouble sleeping and had been reading in bed.

She waited a moment for Pam to say something, but Pam could barely look at her. Something was definitely wrong.

"Pam…" Tara began. "Are you all right?"

Tara took a few steps forward until she was right in front of her. She touched her cheek and peered at her intently with concern. "Babe, what happened? Is he okay?"

Pam suddenly traveled back to her last moment with him. To those words he uttered to her without an ounce of hesitation. And it broke her heart. It shattered it. Her face crumpled and she collapsed onto Tara's chest.

Tara caught her as all of Pam's weight fell onto her. She wrapped one arm around her back and held the other one against the back of her head. Pam's body began to shake as she sobbed. They were gut-wrenching cries that rattled her entire body, and Tara scooped her up. She walked over to the bed, sitting down and leaning against the headboard. She extended her legs and cradled Pam in her arms, whose face was still buried in her chest. Her cries were strained, grating harshly against her throat.

"Pam," Tara pressed. "What happened?" She stroked her hair and waited patiently.

Choked moans continued to fill the air, and Tara gazed down at her with a furrowed brow.

"I need you to tell me what happened," she said quietly.

Pam tried to speak, but it was difficult when her stomach kept convulsing and she felt as if she was hyperventilating. But she eventually managed to get out a few words in small spurts. Tara still didn't know everything that had happened, but it was enough that she understood why she was upset. Pam continued crying into her, and Tara's chest was now damp from her tears and runny nose. She held Pam close and sighed.

"Stop punishing yourself," Tara murmured. "You are not a bad person."

Pam whimpered and clung tighter to her. Tara pushed away damp strands of hair from her face and Pam sniveled. Tara rubbed her back and stared at the opposite wall.

They stayed like this as the sun began to rise. Pam eventually calmed down, and when she finally drifted off to sleep, Tara tucked her in.

Two days later, Pam's father passed away.


	24. Chapter 24

Pam eventually found out about her father. She was devastated, and for more reasons than one. It was a constant struggle not to think about his last words to her, to ever feel like she could come to accept his true and final impression of her. Losing him was agony enough, but it was the guilt that ate away at her. She didn't know when the funeral was, but she knew she wasn't welcome. And she couldn't bear to go anyway.

The next few weeks weren't easy. She took a couple days off work, but when she returned to classes she was noticeably different. She was quiet and subdued, her stares empty and blank. Her students had heard what happened, so they understood the change in behavior. Pam still made the same comments and ran her classes like she always did, but not with nearly the same enthusiasm. She would try and smile, but her eyes still gleamed unmistakably with sorrow.

But Tara took care of her. She tried to touch and comfort her as much as possible. She insisted on doing most of the cooking and cleaning around the house, and she only talked when Pam seemed receptive to it. When she heard faint sniffles in bed as Pam cried quietly on her side at night, she would reach over and wrap her arm around her stomach, holding her close.

And gradually, Pam improved. With each passing day, she had a little more spirit in her. She initiated conversations, asking Tara about her day. She ran errands, like going to the grocery store or picking up dry cleaning. Tara could see she was making an effort to feel better, but she also wanted her to take her time. She wanted her to properly work through her pain, rather than push it all away. She also knew in due time they could really talk about what happened, because Tara had been abandoned and betrayed by family more times than she could count. She had been able to make peace with this as she grew older, but she also knew that no matter how she thought she felt now, Lettie Mae one day passing away would have a significant effect on her, one that she could never properly prepare for.

While they didn't talk about Pam's family, they remained affectionate with each other. There were times Tara knew Pam needed distance, but right now was not one of them. She tried to shower her with as much love and care as she could without smothering her. One night, they made love for the first time since her visit to South Carolina. Tara led the entire time, moving slowly and touching her gently and tenderly. She could feel Pam clinging to her a little tighter than usual, and she stayed quiet except for light, breathy moans and tiny whimpers. Tara could occasionally feel Pam tense up, and she sensed this was when her guilt was resurfacing. Pam felt compunction for reveling in Tara's touch, for enjoying herself so much when she held the knowledge that there were loved ones who hated her. She felt shame in those moments for trying to take a short break from her inner turmoil and self-inflicted punishment.

They didn't try it again for a while. Tara wanted Pam to be back to a completely sound state of mind, and even when Pam wanted to, her guilt would reemerge. She felt selfish for trying to forget, for carrying on with her own life like what had happened had no effect on her. It might not have been rational, but it's how she felt. It's how she felt she needed to think, at least for a while.

She did appreciate Tara's affection though. She craved it and relied on it. Tara knew Pam was strong and independent, but the thought of her having to carry this burden all on her own worried her. She knew how painful it was to go through something like this and she couldn't stand the idea of Pam going through it alone. Any way she could help, she did.

And it did help. A few more weeks went by and Pam was much better. With time and with Tara's support, she slowly began to heal, to forget. She was still a little more reserved than usual, but as long as no one brought up her father or the rest of her family, she was fine. She and Tara were almost back to how they usually were as well.

Tara knew it was time now to bring something up she had been meaning to for a while. She wanted to wait for the timing to be just right, and she determined that now was exactly it.

XXX

"_Fuck!"_ Pam exclaimed as she ruffled through the drawers of her nightstand. She slammed one shut in frustration and brought the palm of her hand to her forehead. She continued to scavenge the entire room hastily yet painstakingly. She was loud, and Tara could hear her from the kitchen.

"Pam?" Tara called in the midst of her frantic search. "Everything okay?"

"God dammit!" Pam breathed, not really listening.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Tara asked.

"I can't find my fucking ring," Pam answered, aggravation and panic lacing her voice.

It was a special ring that her father had bought for her many years ago. The idea of having permanently lost it was starting to freak her out, because she honestly had no idea where it could be.

"When were you last wearing it?" Tara queried, remaining in the kitchen as her heart began to pound.

Pam stopped moving, standing still as she pondered.

"Um… three nights ago. I took it off when we were, you know…" she answered, finishing with a gesture that would have signaled for Tara to fill in the blanks had she been in the same room.

They both had been sitting in bed that night, and Pam had taken off her ring to apply lotion onto her hands, dropping it into a quaint pottery bowl that sat on her nightstand. Tara saw this out of the corner of her eye and knew this was her opportunity. As Pam reached for her bottle of lotion, Tara pulled on her shoulder, interrupting her with a kiss. Pam eventually dropped the bottle onto the mattress, forgetting about it as well as her ring as Tara moved to sit over her hips. Tara ended up fucking her and pleasuring her for the next two hours, to the point that Pam was so exhausted that she fell asleep the moment they were done. She did not know that any of this was part of Tara's plan, instead figuring Tara was feeling extra frisky and generous that night.

Pam didn't always remember to wear her ring after taking it off, but when it wasn't on the ring finger of her right hand, it always remained in the same place. And now it wasn't there. Now she had probably lost the most significant and meaningful keepsake her father had given her. She felt like an irresponsible idiot.

"Which ring?" Tara inquired, although she knew exactly the one Pam was referring to.

"With the inscription on it! The one from my…"

But Pam didn't continue. She brought her hands to her brow and shook her head. A horrible dread always swept over her when she lost something.

"Ohhh," Tara replied. _"That_ one. I think I know where it is."

"You do?" Pam called as her eyes widened. "Where?"

Tara stood up and moved over to her purse to retrieve something. She set it down before beginning to walk away.

"I'm leaving it on the kitchen table," she announced. "Meet me on the deck afterwards," she added, clearing the room before Pam could enter.

Pam's brow furrowed in confusion. She didn't know what was going on, but she scurried into the kitchen. As she arrived, her eyes landed on a square ring box sitting on the table. She didn't question it, figuring Tara put it in there to keep it safe. As she opened the lid, her lips parted as she blinked slowly.

This wasn't her ring. No. It was a round-cut, one-third carat diamond ring with a white gold band. There was a row of round diamonds sweeping from one side to the other and it was absolutely breathtaking. And Pam did stop breathing. She gazed at it in shock as her heart began to thump forcefully inside her chest. After a few moments, she swallowed and looked up, remembering where Tara was. She closed the lid and curled her fingers around the box, gradually making her way to the deck where she saw Tara standing with a subtle smile on her face.

Pam gazed at her, trying to remind herself how to speak. There was a cool breeze outside that rustled locks of her hair, and the sun shone down on her golden hair like a halo.

"This isn't my ring…" she mumbled stupidly.

"No?" Tara asked as her smile widened. She was having so much fun with this game of hers, and she almost laughed as she stared at a still-dumbfounded Pam. But she finally dropped the act, moving closer to tuck a strand of Pam's hair behind her ear.

"I have your other ring, don't worry," she reassured her. "I just wanted to make sure they made it in the right size."

Pam felt like her limbs were beginning to tremble. Was this really happening?

Tara was nervous as hell too, but on the outside she appeared nothing but confident. She took the box from Pam and temporarily slipped it inside her pocket before reaching for Pam's hands. She interlocked their fingers and squeezed her hands.

"Hey," she said softly.

Pam had cast her eyes down at the ground, but slowly looked up to peer at Tara. She already looked visibly overwhelmed and Tara gently stroked her hands with her thumb.

"I know the past few weeks have been really hard for you," she began.

Pam swallowed and looked down at the ground again.

"I can't even tell you how angry it makes me, what happened…" Tara explained. Even uttering this now made her clench her jaw and grit her teeth. She had held her tongue about her feelings of how Pam's family had treated her, but the rage within her knew no bounds.

"I know you've been beating yourself up endlessly over it," she said faintly. "And I understand that the loss you feel is irreplaceable. I know how much it hurts, to feel alone and abandoned like that."

Tara spoke slowly and deliberately, and she released Pam's hands, moving her own to the sides of her waist. She waited a moment before speaking again, drawing in a deep breath.

"But you got me," she whispered.

Pam's eyes began to brim with tears.

"You'll always have me," Tara said gently. She brought her hands around to Pam's back and held her securely.

"They don't deserve you," she asserted, seeking Pam's gaze. "You know why?"

Tara waited until Pam met her eyes to continue.

"Because you are the most selfless, beautiful, and kind-hearted person I know. And I truly mean that."

Tears began to slip down Pam's cheeks and she blew out a shaky breath of air.

"You are so full of love. Of compassion. You have helped me and have guided me more than I could ever put into words. And you are so brilliant. You continually awe and inspire me. You make it so easy to enjoy life. You make the days so fun. I will always fight for you," she vowed. "And there is not a shred of doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Pam tried to hold back a sob. Her chest almost collapsed as she let out a heavy exhale and another tear slid off her chin.

Tara moved her hands back to Pam's side, stroking her hips.

"You of all people deserve a happy ending. And I just hope I can be part of that. I hope I can be enough."

Tara waited. Clearly her words had had an effect on Pam, but she was still staying quiet. As the moments continued to pass, Tara began to panic.

_Please say something…_ she thought.

Maybe this had been the wrong time to ask. Maybe she should never have asked at all. Tara didn't know what Pam was thinking, but she started to worry that her tears were not the kind she wanted.

Pam lifted her head and gazed up at the sky as she wiped underneath her eyes with the pads of her fingers. She held steady for a moment, still feeling so overcome and taken aback.

She travelled back to twenty years ago, to the first time she had been proposed to. It was only now that she truly realized that _this_ was what it was supposed to feel like. There was no fear or hesitation. Tara's words and Tara's wish comforted her to her very core, spreading a warmth and an electricity to the very tips of her fingers and toes.

Pam reached out, cradling Tara's face between her hands as she peered at her with glistening eyes.

"You are more than enough," she whispered.

Tara gazed at her and she beamed. They stayed like this for a while. Tara eventually took out the ring and Pam extended her long, slender fingers, watching her slip it on. Pam admired it for another moment and then pulled Tara in close. Their lips overlapped and Pam sighed into her mouth. They kissed like it was their first and their last. When they finally broke away, they stayed close, eyes remaining closed as their foreheads touched. They smiled and reached for the other's hands, intertwining their fingers again.

Their lives together were just beginning.

* * *

_**A/N**__ I was thinking about finishing this story with a short epilogue of sorts, so let me know if that's something you'd like to see. If not, it does look like we've come to the end. xoxo._


	25. Epilogue

_**A/N** Hey guys. So sorry for the wait! This has ended up becoming a full-blown chapter, per some people's requests of specific things they wanted to see. If you want to see what some of Pam's outfits look like, you can go to my tumblr blog, where my username is seeimsmiling360 and it will be tagged as "epilogue."_

_I know many are sad to see this story come to an end, and I've certainly had a blast writing it, but I have many other stories that I am looking forward to writing. I hope you enjoy how I ended this one, but please let me know either way. Much love to all of you. Xoxo_

* * *

It was a lovely, intimate ceremony. They had both contributed to the planning of the wedding, but Tara let Pam take hold of the reins. She knew Pam was a huge romantic, even if she didn't outwardly admit this, plus she had agonized over her engagement ring forever, so it was a relief to let Pam handle the rest of the decisions.

It was all tasteful; nothing was excessive or grandiose. There were arrangements of gardenias and baby's breath in elegant centerpieces and light orchestral music was playing throughout. The wedding was held in Sierra Nevada in late summer. Pam loved her lakes, so the ceremony was at Lake Tahoe, surrounded by the mountains with views of ponderosa pines in the Squaw Valley. Pam's colleagues and friends were there, including some from back home, and she was glad to see them all. One of the biggest surprises though, was seeing her family there. Her siblings, that is. She hadn't invited them, even though she knew she would keenly feel their absence, so when she passed them as she was walking down the aisle, her heart leapt in her chest. Even if some of them were uncomfortable with the idea of her marrying a woman, they didn't show it. They brought their full support and love and they made the entire ceremony for Pam.

Tara invited her own co-workers and friends, and her cousin and best friend had been able to travel up from Louisiana as well. That was enough for her. Only the good people and good memories were there to be with her. Lettie Mae did cross her mind, but she only dwelled on this for a minute. She didn't even wish for her to be there; she simply pondered how the woman was doing, because it had been so long and she honestly had no idea.

Even before the day of the wedding, so many cliché traditions that the two of them originally laughed off ended up becoming realities they abided by. Pam joked that Tara wasn't allowed to see her in her dress, but they ended up staying true to this. And while it didn't have to be white, that's what Pam ended up eventually choosing.

They were careful not to spend an excessive amount on the wedding, but Tara knew when it came to a dress Pam wanted the very best. And what she ended up picking was simply stunning. She wore an ivory strapless gown, which was simple yet striking. The layered, billowing fabric swept across the torso and draped down to the floor. Tara wasn't picky about her own outfit, but Pam chose for her a dark, two-buttoned blazer to wear over a white collared shirt with charcoal merino wool pants. They both knew each other's style well, and Tara liked what Pam had picked.

XXX

It was finally the day of the ceremony. And it was now that they truly came to realize that all of the conventions that were so easy to mock and laugh off existed for a reason. Because the moment Tara first saw Pam come out in her dress, she stopped breathing. Everything else in her line of vision blurred and heart swelled as she gazed at her. Pam had never looked more beautiful. Half of her long, flaxen hair was pinned up, and the rest fell down her back and shoulders. Her face was fresh and glowing, with her cheeks rouged lightly with lavender pink and her plump lips the color of French rose.

She had been planning to walk the aisle by herself, but Tara had asked Lucas, her younger brother, to escort her. So when he jumped up from his seat and took her by the arm, Pam nearly started crying. The shock of simply seeing him again, and so grown and so mature after so long, was enough to do that. He confidently took her arm with his own and smiled, making her melt.

While Pam felt an tug of disappointment that her father couldn't be here to do this, the moment she turned her head to see Tara waiting for her, she forgot about everything else entirely. Tara pursed her lips so hard to try and restrain her smile and remain composed, and Pam's eyes sparkled as she beamed at her. She tightened her grip on Lucas and felt her heart begin to race as she sensed everyone's eyes on her. She had done this all before, but this honestly felt like the first time. This time it felt truly real. Truly right.

The exchanging of vows was beautiful. They were both writers, so their words were as well-crafted and touching as they could be. A while ago, Tara had found her journal that she had once given Pam as a goodbye in one of the shelves at their place. It was surreal, rereading what she had once written after just getting to know Pam as a student. She ended up choosing a few lines in there to include in her vows, words that captured exactly how she felt about Pam, even from so many years ago. And while Pam knew she still had that notebook and that it was stored away safely, it hadn't been on her mind for so long that she had almost forgotten about it. So when she heard Tara's words coming straight from her lips, and straight from her heart, her eyes welled with tears.

How had she been so lucky? To find someone like this?

The minister, who was also a woman, led the rest of the ceremony. The both of them couldn't stop smiling at the other as they listened on. At its conclusion, Tara wrapped her arms around Pam's waist, and Pam brought her palms to Tara's cheeks as their lips connected.

There was a subtle, general sigh from their friends and family, and while Tabitha bit her lip at the sight, it was impossible to deny how elated Pam looked. She stared at them in wonder as an 11 month old Chinese girl in her lap burbled and trilled her lips.

XXX

The reception was great fun. Pam changed into a Mischka frock with raw-edged, organza swirls sewn on airy lace. The dress reached her knees, and on her feet were three-inch ivory satin peep-toes.

A few different attendees made toasts, which were all sweet and heartfelt, and for their first dance, Me'Shell Ndegéocellos's "Love Song #1" played. They smiled at each other and swayed with the music, and eventually, other couples joined them on the floor.

They danced in silence, but Pam's curiosity had been piqued a while ago and she had a pressing question on her mind. She had been looking out past the gathering to admire the Persian blue waters in the nearby lake, but she turned her head to look at Tara, who eventually met her eyes.

"Tabitha and Lucas and ... how did-?"

"I invited them," Tara answered quietly.

She knew Pam would be too conflicted to do it, but Tara also knew that she desperately wanted them there and would deeply regret not seeing them.

Pam gazed at her, her eyes gleaming with gratitude.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Tara smiled and nodded. To be honest, she had been a little concerned that if her siblings did decide to come, seeing them would only bring up bad memories for Pam or cause some other sort of distress for her. Now Tara was thankful and relieved that they were nothing but appreciated.

Isabel had arranged most of the reception, and she had done a fabulous job. And she was having a great time now. She was just past tipsy from champagne and was fraternizing with everyone. As Pam caught her eye from the dance floor, Isabel gave her a wink, followed by a loving smile. Pam's lips curled and she gripped Tara's lower back a little more firmly.

Everyone stayed for two or three hours. In that time, Pam got to catch up with her brothers and sisters. She met her niece for the first time. She was absolutely precious, and it was wonderful to see Tabitha and George finally have what they wanted for so long. She knew there must have been some backlash with their mother over the child's ethnicity, which just made her more proud of the two of them. She got to speak more to Lucas, who had brought his steady girlfriend of over two years with him and seemed to be on a great path for himself. Pam was happy to see that all of them were doing so well. She didn't ask about Lydia, but luckily no one else brought her up either. There was an unspoken understanding about it all.

When the reception was over, Tara and Pam headed to a hotel. The next day they would be flying to Italy where they would stay for a week and a half before going over to Greece. Tara had never gotten to travel much, so Pam was more excited for Tara than for herself.

It started out as a joke, but when they were moving down the hallway, Tara lifted Pam up underneath her knees and carried her to the room. Pam laughed, but she remained in her arms. She wrapped her own around Tara's neck and a goofy smile lingered on her face. It was almost as if they were playing wedding, but it was really happening. It had really happened. They were married.

The hotel room was simple and spacious. All their things were already there, with their packed bags neatly sitting in the corner of the room. There was a large bed in the middle of the room with a thick, royal blue comforter and several fluffy pillows atop it. The moment Tara put Pam down, she looked around, about to comment on how nice the view was, but Pam had already disappeared.

"Hey, where're you going?" Tara asked, turning her head to see her gently close the bathroom door shut.

"I'll be out in a minute," called a muted voice.

Tara twitched her lips, then sat down on the bed. She drew in a deep breath and exhaled. She looked down at the fourth finger of her left hand, where there now rested a golden band. She had never planned on getting married. Had never fantasized about it since she was a little girl. It wasn't even legal where she lived. But no matter how sure she was of Pam's love, there was something about this particular commitment that was unlike any other. Pam wanted her always, just like Tara wanted her. And to have shared that with the world that day was pretty special.

Tara began to wonder if Pam was having stomach problems, because a few more minutes passed as she sat on the bed alone. She chewed on the inside of her lip and thought about what Italy would be like. She imagined riding in a gondola in Venice and taking pictures of the architecture in Rome. She wondered if Pam would just want to spend all day in boutiques buying clothes. Tara was so deep in thought that she didn't hear when Pam come out. When she finally lifted her head to see her standing before her, her jaw hit the floor.

Pam was wearing a black lace and mesh teddy and a pair of garters. Her ample breasts were practically spilling out of her bra, and her hair was now down, falling in golden curls down her back and shoulders. Tara stared at her, agape, like a twelve year old boy who had never seen a woman's body before. Pam had some lovely lingerie in her closet at home, but had never worn anything like this before. Tara couldn't even register how majorly turned on she was because she was still in shock.

Pam smirked as she stared at her. "You all right over there?"

Tara closed her mouth and swallowed. "Jesus."

Pam sauntered over to her and rested her fingers lightly on her thighs while her chest fell directly into Tara's line of vision. Tara stared hungrily at her as Pam sat over her, straddling her thighs. Tara's lips parted again as she looked her up and down.

"I have the hottest wife ever," she mumbled.

Pam smirked again. "Is that so?" she drawled.

"Yeah," Tara breathed.

"Hm," Pam replied. "Mine's pretty sexy herself."

"Oh yeah?"

"Mhmm."

Pam licked her lips before leaning in to capture Tara's. Tara immediately sought Pam's tongue, and reached up to hold the sides of her waist. Pam quickly removed them though. She pushed Tara's hands into the bed and then let go.

"No touching," she murmured.

Tara's brow wrinkled. "Why?" she asked, sounding hurt and irritated.

"Because I said so," Pam returned.

"That's not fair," Tara replied, almost petulantly.

"Too bad," Pam purred.

Tara huffed and then returned her gaze to Pam's breasts. They looked fucking glorious right now. She then moved her eyes up, to her long, graceful neck that she longed to kiss. Instead, she passively sat there and felt a cool air begin to greet her skin as Pam started unbuttoning her shirt.

She pulled off her jacket too, so that Tara was sitting in just her bra. Pam pushed her down towards the bed until her back was settled against the mattress. Pam traced her fingers down her taut abdomen and Tara blew out a shaky breath.

Pam unbuttoned her pants and pulled them off, revealing her smooth, dark legs. Tara was staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore the heavy pulse between her thighs when she felt Pam climb on top of her. Pam sat right over Tara's hips and began to trail her hands up and down the sides of her body. The touch made Tara shiver, and she tried to lay there motionless as her frustration continued to grow.

Pam moved down to press her lips to her bellybutton, placing a few more kisses over her stomach. Her warm breath heated her skin and she pressed her palms into the bed on either side of Tara's body. She then arched her lower back and dipped down towards Tara until her chest was resting on her pelvis. Then, very slowly, she began to drag her body up Tara's, up past her hips, up past her torso. When Tara felt Pam's breasts dragging over hers, directly over her nipples, she began to pant. She reached up and grabbed Pam's hips, but Pam politely shoved her hands down again.

She continued to tease and torture her, eventually bringing her hand between Tara's legs. After a moment, she brushed her fingers against her damp underwear and felt Tara shudder. Pam did it again and Tara arched her lower back. She was aching now, throbbing. Pam began to lightly rub her pointer and middle fingers circularly against her bundle of nerves and Tara moaned. Pam leaned down and kissed her neck before biting it as she slipping her hand beneath her panties. The touch made Tara whimper, and it took all her strength not to latch onto Pam's shoulders. Instead, she dug her nails into the bed and clenched her jaw.

"I want to fucking touch you," Tara grumbled.

"Too bad," Pam giggled, and the next stroke of her hand through Tara's slick heat successfully silenced her again.

Pam eventually withdrew her fingers and began to slide Tara's underwear down her legs. She tossed them aside and moved up to unclasp her bra. She dragged the straps down her arms and took in Tara's newly revealed body for a moment. She slowly dragged her hand down her tummy and leaned down to suck on her already stiff nipple. She traced a circle around it and then bit it gently. Tara's lips parted and she moaned on an exhale. Pam's hair had fallen in front of her face and all across Tara's chest, so Tara reached up and swept it to the side. Pam slammed her hands back onto the bed.

"Stop," she warned.

"I was just getting it out of the way!" Tara protested.

Pam continued to push Tara's hands hard into the mattress until she was certain she could let go.

"I kind of hate you right now," Tara griped.

Pam lifted her head and stared at Tara while she swiped her fingers over her clit and momentarily teased her opening. "Oh? You want me to stop?"

Tara's voice caught in her throat, and her hips jerked.

"Didn't think so," Pam purred.

"I thought wedding nights were supposed to be romantic," Tara muttered.

"Sweetie, if you really want to be traditional, then _you_ should be a virgin and I should be a man," Pam murmured before pushing her legs open.

The corners of Tara's lips turned up. It was at that moment that Tara realized that Pam's fiery spirit was fully back, a side of her that had been significantly dimmed and at times gone altogether after her whole situation with her father a few months ago. As frustrated as Tara was in this current situation, she was pleased to see this Pam.

And for Pam, part of this _was _about romance. The amount of love she felt for Tara was utterly consuming. It was heightened by the incredibly beautiful, thoughtful vows she gave, and how she made sure her family was here, and everything else she had done for her. It made Pam want to pamper and shower Tara with as much as affection possible.

Pam tugged at the peaks of Tara's breasts and smoothed her hands down her legs. She moved to tend to the other breast and felt Tara's abs contract and release at the touch. Pam began to kiss her way down her body. She licked and sucked patches of her skin, and when she reached her belly button, she traced an outline with her tongue. As she moved lower, she licked and lightly nipped her inner thighs and opened her legs wider.

Tara's heart pounded as she waited. And when she felt Pam's soft, warm tongue find her clit, her brow furrowed and she squeezed her eyes shut.

Pam closed her lips around her swollen bundle of nerves and sucked. Tara's moans grew in volume, and she reached her arms down to hold the sides of Pam's face. Pam quickly removed her hands, pushing them back down to the mattress. She alternating between flicking her tongue and suckling while she massaged her pelvis and then reached up to squeeze and cup Tara's breasts.

Tara's chest heaved as she moaned. She was going insane. Pam gave the best head on the planet. Her heart was all Tara needed, but she would be would lying if she denied that this wasn't a delicious bonus.

Pam devoured her, feeling every shudder and twitch of Tara's body vibrate on her lips and tongue. She held her legs open forcefully while Tara rocked her hips against her mouth. And when Pam plunged two fingers easily inside, she let out a choked moan and shoved her hands under her back to stop herself from grabbing hold of Pam's head.

Pam pumped her fingers steadily and looked up at Tara, whose brow was pinched and mouth was open as her body trembled. Pam knew Tara was right there, and every time her whimpers rose in pitch and increased in frequency, she would pull her mouth away while fucking her harder with her fingers. Tara clamped down on them and bunched her hands into fists, which were still underneath her and made her knuckles dig into her back.

Pam curled her fingers, thrusting up with unapologetic force and Tara repressed a scream, trying to open her eyes.

"You taste so good," Pam hummed.

Tara let out a heavy exhale. Pam hadn't been this dirty and dominant with her in a while, nor had Tara been expecting it. She wasn't complaining, but it had taken her surprise.

This time when Pam latched onto Tara's clit again, she didn't stop. She worked her tongue, lips, and fingers in a rhythm until Tara's hips were bucking uncontrollably and she was crying out. She tensed and shuddered, and then removed her hands from underneath her and pressed them into her pelvis as she rode out the rest of the waves. Pam lapped up her arousal and eventually moved up Tara's body. She leaned down and captured her lips while she slipped her hand between her legs again. She waited a few more moments, but all of a sudden began moving the pads of her fingers rapidly over her pulsing clit. Tara groaned and covered her face with her hands. She extended her legs and pointed her toes so much they threatened to cramp, and seconds later she was coming again. She arched her back and Pam pushed her back onto the bed. When she finally was still again, Pam resumed straddling her and leaned down to fervidly suck on her lower lip.

Pam sat up and Tara blearily opened her eyes.

"Fucking hell," Tara let out breathily.

Pam grinned. "Only the best for my wife," she winked.

Tara chuckled as she exhaled, and then reached up to run her hand down Pam's arm. Pam shooed it away soon after. Tara rolled her eyes, but she was too spent to be irritated. She just lay there gazing at Pam, whose lips were now glossy and her cheeks rosy and flushed.

"Do you think everyone was thinking about us fucking when we left the reception tonight?" Pam asked with a smirk.

Tara's eyes widened. "What the hell, Pam? What's gotten into you?"

Pam shrugged and bit her lower lip as she smiled. The truth was, she was just so happy. And it was bringing out a boldness and playfulness in her. She felt like a little girl almost, giddy that her dreams had come true.

She brushed her tousled hair off of her shoulders, leaving her chest fully visible again. She bit her lip again and stared at Tara more seriously now. They locked eyes and Pam brought her hands behind her back. She held Tara's gaze and began to undress ever so slowly. Tara watched her vigilantly, eyes only straying to observe Pam unhook the last remaining hooks on the tight garment. Her freed breasts bounced once as she pulled the article off her body, and she then ran her hands up to squeeze and caress herself while her steel blue eyes bored into Tara's.

Tara's eyes conveyed nothing but hungry lust. She tried to be patient, but it was damn hard. Pam slowly rocked her hips into Tara's for a few moments, and then paused and brought her hand to her stomach. She sat up on her knees now and laid her palm flat against her soft, milky skin for a moment. She tilted her head, causing stray strands of hair to fall across her face. Gradually, she began to drag her hand lower. She eventually slid her fingers beneath her panties and waited. Tara swallowed and gazed at her. Pam pushed her hand down a little further and her eyes slipped shut as she moaned, so faintly that it was almost indiscernible.

Tara could already feel herself getting worked up again. She watched as Pam continue to touch herself, feeling her arousal spike when Pam opened her eyes to calmly look at her again.

Pam knew she was putting on a show, but she wasn't faking it. Her fingers were soaked and she was aching with need. She slowly slid a finger inside and soon added another while her other hand reached up to knead her soft, full breasts. When she increased the pressure of her fingers, she moaned louder as her lips parted. She withdrew her fingers to stroke the length of her before sliding them inside again.

Tara gritted her teeth, trying to keep her hands to herself. But when Pam brought her fingers to her lips and began sucking on them as she circled her hips and gave Tara a piercing stare, Tara couldn't take it any longer.

"Enough," she uttered, and with that she reached up and aggressively flipped Pam over so she was on her back. She tugged impatiently at her garters before figuring out how to remove them. She dragged Pam's panties down and threw them halfway across the room before lunging back on top of her. In one swift motion she thrust three fingers inside Pam, who held back a scream and reached around to clutch Tara's back. Tara drove her fingers in hard and fast and Pam bent her knees and brought her legs up, trying to rest her feet on the bed. Tara curled and flexed her fingers and Pam wailed. She pulled Tara closer against her and tried to gain control of her breathing. Tara fucked her as hard as she could and her palm began pressing against her clit. Pam grabbed the back of Tara's head and held it against the side of her neck. Tara eventually turned her head and sucked on her pulse point before moving down to tend to her breasts.

She eventually slowed down her movements to the point that Pam could actually muster up the ability to speak. Pam pulled her up closer and nuzzled their cheeks together. She sighed as Tara continued to work her fingers inside of her, as their bodies moved as one. She let her eyes slip shut as she held onto her firmly.

"I love you," she rasped.

Tara didn't stop touching her, but she turned her head so her lips were right beside her ear.

"I love you too," she breathed.

It didn't take much after that. Tara pressed the heel of her palm over Pam's clit and moved it in circles as she continued to pump her fingers inside of her. Pam gripped Tara hard as she whimpered, and a few moments later she was shuddering against her. She opened her eyes and saw spots as an intense heat warmed her belly and spread to her fingers and toes. Tara slowed her movements down to a stop, then began to place loving kisses all over her body. She removed her hand and licked her fingers before crawling up so their faces were close again. Pam pulled on the nape of her neck and their lips overlapped. Pam's tongue moved past her lips and found Tara's.

They kissed for over an hour. They caressed each other and they sighed, realizing they would never grow bored of this.

XXX

Their honeymoon was wonderful. They went to Rome, Florence, Venice, and Naples. They ate the best food, saw gorgeous architecture, and met many warm, friendly people. Of course they spent many hours in bed as well, but simply being with the other as they explored the world was more than they could ask for.

After another week in Greece, they flew back to the U.S. Before going to California, they visited Louisiana first.

That's when Tara finally got to see Kiyana. As soon as Tara entered the room, the girl stood up and raced over towards her. She leaped into her arms and smile spread across Tara's entire face as she picked her up. Kiyana latched onto her like a koala and Pam couldn't help but beam as she watched on. The girl even resembled Tara in a way. They were so sweet together, and it warmed her heart to see them interact. Pam watched how good Tara was with her and knew that they would have to have a conversation about this sometime. About what she wanted, what they wanted. Who knows what the future held for them.

XXX

When they were back in California, they resumed their ordinary lives, but with an even deeper love for each other. Their commitment was real and everlasting, and would never waver. They had been apart for too long and knew the agony of each other's absence all too well. There would inevitably be arguments and fights, but never with the threat of an end.

They would travel again. They would meet friends on the weekend. They would venture into the city and they would frequent new restaurants. They would go on hikes and little adventures. The next year, when Pam went on sabbatical, she would begin to work part-time with Tara at the Foundation. She even began tutoring the kids of a few clients, some almost reaching their 20s. Pam loved doing it, and considered some possible adjustments to her career in the future. She had been a professor for a long time, but perhaps a change in environment would be refreshing and exciting and something she was ready for.

There were minor setbacks at the Foundation, but overall the place was doing well. Tara too didn't know if she planned on staying there forever, but for now, the work was still rewarding, especially when Pam was there with her.

They had built their life together. It might have been ordinary, but it was also extraordinary. How they had found each other. And how far they had come. They would occasionally think back to the first time they met and smile. They could still remember, even all the way back then, feeling something.

Pam would sometimes look back on Tara's proposal too. On a few of her words that forever stayed with her. And she knew Tara was right.

Pam had gotten her happy ending.


End file.
